"Be not afraid of life. Believe that life is worth living, and your belief will help create the fact." – William James

Sunday, October 31, 2010

Separating from Ed


I just got back from an amazing retreat put on by Thom Rutledge and Julie Merryman entitled “Beyond Eating Disorders.” It was my third time attending. I have gone into the retreat in 3 very different places in my recovery. The first time I was relapsing but was unaware of it until after the retreat. The second, I had just gotten out of residential at Timberline Knolls and was starting to struggle some after coming off a recovery high. This time, I was doing really well, getting through challenges and inspired to continue recovery so I had no idea what to expect. My mentor asked me what my goal was for the weekend. I had made goals in the past but for some reason it was much harder this time. I then realized how when I have been struggling, I tend to have difficulty separating my thoughts from Ed’s (eating disorder’s). I decided that my goal would be to have a reminder of the separation, to take notes and to blog about my experience. I will hit on 3 points: Notes taken and 2 exercises done.

Do not fret, with an eating disorder, it’s a good thing to hear a separate voice. Don’t worry, it doesn’t mean you are schizophrenic. By making this separation, it allows us to move from a place of possession where Ed receives the “I” statement to a place that Ed is speaking in the second person, a place that you can change. The reason we separate is because these thoughts/voices are NOT you. Transformation happens the more we separate.

The first exercise we did on Friday night was one in which Ed voices were talking at the recovery voices. We were told to split into two groups: Ed and Recovery. I normally choose “Ed” as it is easier for me to talk that way, after all, I hear it all day long. For the first time, I decided to be Recovery. Not only did I decide this, but I had a lot to say back toward those on the Ed side. I realized how irrational those voices are. How they are lies. Each and every one.

Another exercise was done on Saturday afternoon. This one is very hard for me to talk about but in order to get better understanding of how powerful this separation can be, I will be vulnerable. We were first told to write done 5 things that Ed is saying to us. My 5 were very different than the past. He used to just bash on body image and that was enough to get me. Now, he has to dig deeper and really strike some deep chords in order to get me to go to his side. These included:

1. Your voice is insignificant and no one cares.

2. Your body is disgusting and unattractive.

3. Why do you even try when you know you want to always run back to me?

4. You will get sexually abused again without me.

5. You do not deserve the love from your treatment team, family and friends.

We were then told to pick one person to be our Ed and one person to be our recovery voice. We positioned them where we thought those voices came from. For example, my eating disorder approaches me over my right shoulder, slightly behind me and my recovery voice sits facing me, holding my hand. These 5 statements were read to me by my eating disorder. Hearing them outloud is something totally incredible. Incredible may seem like an odd word to use. You see, while it’s hard to hear, it’s also eye opening. That voice can find exactly what hurts the most and hit it. However, I know that I’m more than that voice. I know that voice lies. Most importantly, I know that I have a future without that voice haunting me. Why? Because I have dreams, I have goals, all of which cannot be accomplished with my eating disorder, but without, they can be realized. I am NOT my eating disorder and neither are you!

What is your eating disorder telling you?


Thursday, October 21, 2010

Spiritual Experience


In AA or other 12 step programs, we often talk about having spiritual experiences. (Note: 'spiritual' does not have to mean God or religion.) I have had many throughout my life that have allowed my faith to remain through everything I have been through. Yes, it does get shaky at times and there have been times that I have completely shut him out, putting blame where it did not belong. At times I questioned my faith, wondering if there really was a God that loved me unconditionally, or if I was deserving of this so called love.
In the past week, I have begun to fall into this self pitying place of rejection of my faith, questioning my beliefs, and placing blame in God's hands. When I hit these places, it gets ugly really fast. I turn into a person I am not. I get angry with others, and myself, quickly, I become dishonest through withholding the truth, behaviors increase, urges increase, I say things I regret, and I blame it on anyone but myself.
A therapist gave me an assignment the other day and I had to report into her t
he next day to say whether I had done the following:
1. Journaled twice
2. Prayed 3 times
3. Followed my meal plan 100%
I hadn't done them all in completion but I had done parts of each which was better then what I was doing prior. My morning prayer went something like this: "God, I'm only praying because I've been told to. I don't really know what you can do for me right now. I'm not sure I want to get better. The fear outweighs the benefits in my mind. However, if you should feel so inclined to give me some motivation, that'd be great. Amen."
When I got home that day, I decided God wasn't going to answer that prayer. I concluded that I was "meant to" continue acting out on my behaviors. But then I got on facebook where I
had the following message:
I know I've never met you, but I was contacting you because I'm really inspired by you! You seem so confident and happy now, and even going to all the ed conferences and things that just makes me believe you are very strong in your recovery. I recently saw Rita Frickel at the creighton cardiac center, (now doing partial at childrens hospital) but when I was there I thought about how you were doing grad school at Creighton and thought I might ask for tips :) I'm super motivated and doing okay in treatment, but on the outside its SO much harder and being in college the support is not there like in high school and growing up. How did you find support? How are you doing now? I won't load you with questions, but I hope to hear from you. Thanks for the inspiration :)
There is no way this girl knows how much those words meant to me. Yes, up until the last 5 or 6 days, I had been doing really well. I was motivated. I saw a reason tot recover. But somewhere things flipped again. This message showed me again why I want to recover. I want to be able to get more messages like this (not that I'm greedy and wanting messages but its the principle behind it). I want to help people. I want to be an effective advocate, living by my words. I want to publish a book. I have all these dreams and this message awakened me to them yet again. So guess what, God did answer that prayer and it was a reminder that things don't always happen in my time, but in His, my higher power's.

What are your dreams?
How do you connect with your spiritual life? Do you need to reconnect?

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Living out Values


Life. Beauty. Wonder. Hope. These all occur more frequently when I'm living out my values, following my dreams, opening my heart to life and all thatcomes with it. I was recently given a homework assignment to one week, write down all my values and the next to live them out. My values are:

*relationships
*faith
*school
*helping others
*writing
*photography
*pilates
*running
*laughing
*art
*love
*painting
*spontaneity
*freedom
*coffee with the sunrise
*sunsets
*beaches
*a good cry
*counseling
*animals
*nature
*parks
*sobriety
*the first flowers blooming in spring
*relaxing nights with friends
*living in the moment
*gifts

These all give me life. They allow me to feel connected to the world. Relatio
nships are my number one value. I get energy from others. Whether I'm doing well or struggling in my recovery, being with others is important. It's how I learn who I am, who I want to be and reminds me of my dreams. This past weekend while in NY at the NEDA conference, I formed new relationships and built on others. I felt so charged up. Despite it being a challenging weekend, I still felt hope for my future. I was reminded of my desire to do advocacy and help others. This has powered me through this week so far.
Sobriety is another value I've been experiencing. While urges get high at times, I'm glad to say that I'm over a month sober now. I am experiencing life, not numbing out to it. I have been more cognizant of being in the moment, enjoying my surroundings and being grateful for the little joys such as laughter. I ate dinner with my mentor friday night and laughed more than I have in awhile. I throughly enjoy the meal, yes ENJOYED a MEAL.
The last thing I will talk about is a message I got from a friend today. Sh
e wrote:

I have struggled since I was 11 and never got better. Even in high school, I looked perfectly fine but my behaviors were all over. After high school, totally downhill into anorexia until this past year. And you were the first person to even be able to open my eyes about life and recovery and believe it was possible. You are so true to yourself the past few years and its so beautiful Jenn. Words can't describe how much you mean to me. And I know I was a jerk in school. It wasn't you, it was me. I used to be really successful like you were in school and extracurriculars until we moved here. So I just wanted what you had. I knew darn well you probably weren't happy. I never was, but at least people admired you. You've changed my life.

It is messages like this that keep me wanting to recover. Helping others is a passion and dream of mine. It brings a spark to me, an energy that is irreplaceable.

What are your values? Your dreams? What keeps you wanting to experience life?

Saturday, October 9, 2010

Dear Mommy and Daddy,



I'm so sorry for what I've put you through. I'm sorry for the
worry, the frustration, the lies, the arguments, the heartache and the distrust. You never deserved any of it. I was/still am sick. My disorder makes me so self-absorbed that I don't see how it affects other people. At times I don't even care enough about myself to stop my behaviors. It's those times that I only think they affect me. I can't change what I've done, but I hope my future dictates the appreciation, love and respect I have for you.

Love,
Jennifer


Friday, October 8, 2010

Where I Am


I’m sitting in the Baltimore airport, enjoying my Subway lunch. It only took me 15 minutes to find somewhere to eat today. In the past, I’ve spent up to 45 minutes roaming airports, trying to find a sandwich shop or anything that I felt comfortable enough eating. Normally I had to scan everything to decide what the lowest calorie item was, but today that was different. I ordered what sounded good. When I ordered my diet coke, the cashier said “Diet? You don’t need diet!” I chuckled and said thank you. This too could have

been a very triggering comment in the past, but today it wasn’t. I thought to myself “He’s right. I could make a regular soda fit into my meal plan if I wanted. “ I’m becoming confident with my meal plan. Even though I’ve had some unexplained weight gain, I’m sticking with it. I’m trusting my dietitian, trusting the plan, and trusting my knowledge that my body will work things out in it’s timing. I feel hopeful, encouraged, excited, and proud. I still have to be careful though, just because I’m in a good spot now, does not mean I can take down my guard as I haven’t been in this place for very long. Instead, it means that I use this time to challenge myself, enjoy the moment and make notes as to what true recovery feels like.

I’m waiting for my next flight to NYC for NEDA10. I’m more than excited. While I’m anxious, not knowing what to expect, the excitement is overruling the anxiety. I’m so glad to be in the place I am right now so I am able to fully embrace everything there is to be learned, taken in, and remembered. I can enjoy my time with my mentor and make new friendships without obsessing what they will think of me, whether my clothes fit ok, or what I’ll be eating for my next meal. Don’t get me wrong, some of those thoughts will surely creep in, but I know that I can push them aside because I’m stronger and better than that voice. Better t

han the voice that tells me I’m inadequate, unworthy, unlovable, fat, a disappointment. Stronger than the urges that tell me that acting upon them is the only way to feel strength and power. Even more powerful than my strength though is my faith and my desire to heal. God is here with me. He has his hand stretched out, all I have to do is reach mine toward His.


Sunday, October 3, 2010

Finding Freedom

Astonished. This is how I feel right now. "What have you done with Jenn?" my mentor has asked me. Actually, Jenn has been shining this week and Ed is the one that's been thrown to the corner, punched many times, followed by a roundhouse kick. My motivation toward recovery has been greatly increased. I feel hope. Power. Strength. Excitement. I do not know what happened to cause this turn around, but I want to remember what it feels like to be at this point. I am feeling a little more free every day. Doing crazy things like eating red meat, dessert, attending a meeting out of town, and not acting on urges.
I am really speechless about it all, as a result, I won't be writing much. For anyone struggling right now, keep working hard. Things can turn around if you want them to. There is hope. You can make your life what you want. Dreams can come true. Relationships can grow. Freedome can be found.

Monday, September 27, 2010

Blame...on ME?!?

I was sitting at an AA meeting at noon today. It was a topic meeting. The lady that introduced the topic talked about all kinds of things that I could relate to, but one stood out to me more than others: Blame. This past weekend, I was planning to go to Chicago for Alumni Day at Timberline Knolls, the residential treatment facility I went to. I was excited to staff, maybe instill some hope on the residents, but most of all, excited to see my best friend from treatment, Emily.
First it was my parents to voice their opinions about my best interests...aka they didn't agree with me going due to recent actions and lack of control over them. So I decided at this time, after talking to my mentor and seeing that she agreed with them, that I would shorten my trip to only 2 days/only 1 day overnight. Yes, I was staying in a hotel by myself, but I would be ok. I would just attend a meeting Friday night to keep myself in the right mindset. I would leave my credit card at home. I wouldn't bring anything with me I could easily cut with. I was finding everything to convince myself that I would be ok. I canceled the second day at the hotel and for a couple days, thought that would be my plan.
The day before I was suppose to go, I talked with girls at IOP along with the therapist. I suddenly got a reaction "You're staying alone?!?" I guess it was a big deal with everyone's reactions. I really couldn't be trusted on my own. It was again highly suggested that I didn't go. Right then and there, I picked up my phone and called to cancel the hotel reservation entirely. I made the decision not to go, with a lot of pushes behind me.
On Friday, the day I was suppose to leave, I was very depressed. I moped a
round the house. Ate, slept, ate, slept...that's all I could do. I didn't have any energy. I just wanted to disappear. For once I wasn't blaming others. I saw that the situation was my own fault and I was upset about that. However, I could not change the past. With a little motivation from my lovely mentor, I decided to finally get out of bed and do something productive. I had a nice break outside then moved on with my day. As stated, I cannot change the past, however, I can make my future. I can learn from this. My actions do have consequences. I can continue to act the way I have been lately, or I can turn things around so I don't miss out on more opportunities in the future. Life is truly a gift. In my disease, these gifts are not realized. I choose to live. I choose to enjoy these moments. I choose to recover.

Sunday, September 19, 2010

Clearing the Fog


It has again been a long time between posts. I just haven't found much to blog about. I have however been working on my book a lot. Have a proposal mostly done plus have a few chapters underway. This excites me a lot. I'm actually doing something toward accomplishing my dream. I have so many dreams. However, in the past they were merely that: dreams. Something I hoped to do but doubted my ability to do so. I can see some of them now. Granted they are still pretty dull, they are there. They get clearer with little steps forward. You see, my dreams can never be accomplished with my eating disorder, alcoholism, cutting or prescription drug use. They fog over the dreams. All that is left is my addictions. They are my life, my friend, my control, my everything. With each small step away from them, the fog begins to clear and those dreams can be seen.This weekend has been full of highs and lows. Friday night, I attended a baseball game with my parents. I planned on getting ice cream to challenge myself and to enjoy. I was craving it and thought I'd listen to my body for once and get what I wanted. I kept repeating "this fits in my meal plan." Self talk was crucial. So I stood in line for about 15-20 minutes only to have them run out one person in front of me. This little thing caused me to push everything aside and say "Forget it. It wasn't mean to be." (I use this "it wasn't meant to be" way too often). I instantly texted my mentor. After talking with her I decided to walk to another stand. "I can do this!" Standing in this line, my anxiety rose. As I approached the cashier, I felt the tears start and ran away. This was the end. I "failed." (At least that's what I thought.) After beating myself up for awhile, I decided to move on. I stood in line after all, that's improvement.
On Saturday I attended the University of Missouri football game. (GO TIGERS!)
During a bathroom break, I noticed a Dippin Dots stand. The wheels started turning and I realized I could make up for last nights events this night. So I went back to my seat, sat there for awhile, then told my parents my idea. I knew at this time that I needed to get it now before I chickened out. So I asked my parents if they wanted any and I went down to the stand. I again stood in line for at least 20 minutes. But this time I did not run away. I placed my order. Got a size I felt safe with. Then went back up to my seat to enjoy it. It had be
en many years since I had gotten one of these. I got my favorite flavor too: Banana Split. I'm happy to say that I ate it slowly, concentrating on the taste and enjoying each bite.
I finished this challenge with pride. I had overcome a hurdle. While it's important to do this challenge again as one time does not eliminate fears, I know that I did it once and can again. I did not die. I didn't even have an anxiety attack. Staying in the moment, I accomplished a goal, and today I feel good. I'm happy. Not restricting because of eating it yesterday. Instead, I'm telling you that challenges can be accomplished. I reached out for support from my mentor. Told my parents of my challenge and showed them my empty cup after so I could get a little praise. I'm not afraid to ask for a congrats now. I deserve it and you do too!

Friday, August 20, 2010

Another Wake Up Call


It has been awhile since I've written. There are many reasons for this...writer's block, struggles, time constraints, and fear. I feel like I've been on a roller coaster. This isn't that uncommon for me but a lot of times I change roller coasters and have a little break between the two. However, this time I've been on the same one for quite some time. Never staying in one place for an extended period until the last two weeks, when the coaster stopped suddenly after a hill. To be honest, I've been struggling and starting to fall into a deep relapse. This is not something I'm proud to admit to others. I'm especially not proud to admit that there have been days when I didn't want to move out of this dark place. For the past couple weeks this has been the case. I've refused to do what I'm told to do, not even wanting to look at or confess that my disease does have negative outcomes. My mentor has been wonderful and said so many encouraging, and tough love statements but I just let it go in one ear and out the other. My treatment team has told me what I need to do, and I do the complete opposite. I know this needs to change, however I couldn't find the motivation to do that.
Today something hit me though. I met up with a friend of mine. Someone that I hold very dear to my heart. Someone I've had many ups and downs with. I had a wonderful afternoon laughing and really being in the moment, not worrying about what I was going to do or not do later in the day. It was after dropping her off that I began to reflect on the day and the past. There was a time when she looked up to me and my recovery. I felt so honored and privileged to be able to teach her what I had learned through recovery while being a hand to hold as she walked on her path. However, this time ended as my path crumbled around
me and I found myself back into my disease. My heart hurt more at this time then I could ever imagine. Our communication would come and go from there depending on how I was doing. When communication had to be shut off completely, I again was hurt, but was proud of her for doing what she needed to do for herself. Since I have gotten back from treatment, our communication has begun to increase again and I am so glad for this. I have missed her tremendously but knew we both needed to focus on ourselves. Today reminded me of those hard times, and made me look back on how my disease takes, what it gives is false, and how it ruins relationships. In recovery I have gained relationships as opposed to being sick where I lose them. I'm so grateful to have had this wake up call today. God works in mysterious ways!

What makes you want to continue fighting for recovery?
What does your addiction take from your life?


Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Search for Motivation


I wish I could repeat this past weekend. It was wonderful, life-changing, memorable, and exhausting all at the same time. It all started with getting on an airplane to head to Nashville, TN for a weekend at a retreat: Beyond Eating Disorders, put on by Thom Rutledge and Jules Merryman. I was shaking, having difficulty breathing, my heart skipping throughout the whole plane ride. I had been really struggling for the two weeks prior, making my treatment team throw around the words In-Patient again. I never wanted to get stuck in the pattern of going in and out of facilities. I had to make this work. I WANT to make this work! So I told myself that I would give the weekend my all in hopes of finding motivation to take another step forward.
Over the weekend, I made myself vulnerable many times, got back to eating my meal plan, saw some amazing women who mean the world to me reminding me why I want to recover: to be able to form more memories with these woman, and I found what I was looking for: MOTIVATION.
Just in a weekend of eating well again, I have felt more energized, less heart palpitations, and less light headed. It feels great! I felt loved during the short 3 days. I began to believe again that I can recover. I can be a witness to the possibility that there is a life without Ed. I can help others some day after I help myself. I can accomplish my dreams. I am worthy of all these things!
My challenge to you is to write down your passions, your dreams, your joys and tell yourself with each one that with recovery, these are possible. Because they ARE! You won't be the only one for them not to happen for, you're not that special.

Sunday, July 18, 2010

Freedom


Freedom. This word carries so much power. An array of emotions and dreams. Freedom: what does this truly mean? I have had moments in my life where I thought I was experiencing freedom at the time, but looking back, I was really a prisoner. I had a fictitious thought of freedom when I had substances in me. I thought I could do anything, be anything, accomplish anything, ignore anything. But boy was I wrong. I could do anything, but the consequences always came with it. Same with my eating disorder. Restricting gave me a false sense of control. I thought I was all powerful. But reality was that I was not. Instead, I was a prisoner, entrapped within the world of disease, shame, and guilt.
You see, all these times that I thought I had freedom or control were not a reality. I was lying to myself. Now I long for true freedom. I have had glimpses of it, slight tastes. Whenever I'm playing with kids, I experience so much joy. Whenever I'm working as a physical therapist (student), I am able to get out of my head and be in the moment. I love painting and walking around with my camera, posed and ready for any moment to be captured. I've had times of enjoying new foods. Times that I've been proud of myself for turning the car around when I was about to buy alcohol (now that's a real sense of control). Other instances I have engaged in my inner child and played on a swingset, or hula hooped at the park with friends. Now all these are glimpses of freedom, time outside my head and in the world. Glimpses of a life without the disease plaguing my every thought. I long for more times like these. And I trust others when they say it will get easier. One day at a time, one moment at a time, I am looking forward to more free days.
What does freedom look like for you?

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Kansas City Eating Disorder Examiner

Today I was granted a dream job! I get to share my passion of eating disorder recovery with the world! Yes that's right, I was chosen as Kansas City's Eating Disorder Examiner for Examiner, an online news distributer. I was just looking through some jobs available in Kansas City, originally looking for photography jobs when I came across Examiner. I saw that they were looking for people to write about health related topics. I thought that would be fun. Little did I know at that time that I would later see a subcategory of Eating Disorders. I use this site to share some of my experiences, but now I can post articles to spread awareness and education about this awful disease. Words cannot express how blessed I feel to be given this opportunity. Hopefully word will spread. I am just one voice, but I hope my voice can be heard by others who will then use their voice. Word can spread if we allow it to.

The website my articles will be under: http://www.examiner.com/x-59135-Kansas-City-Eating-Disorder-Examiner

Sunday, July 11, 2010

Goodbye Ed

Dear Ed and all your cohorts,

I have had this screen pulled up on my computer for 3 days now, staring at the white page hoping the words would magically come. Praying that maybe I would magically wake up one morning and feel better about saying “goodbye” to you. But alas, that morning has not come. I still tremble in fear wondering what my life would ever be like without you. Yes there are all the wonderful things: freedom from body obsession and food, more fun, better relationships, closer to God, more energy, less lies or anxiety, being a better PT and having a family some day. All these things sound wonderful yet there is still a part of me that is afraid to give up the comfort, control, self-confidence, pride, worth, structure and the reliable friend you seem to be. That quick release of anxiety is addicting. However, I have to keep in mind the guilt and shame that follows. Nothing good comes from you in the long run.

You have taken away so much of my life, time that I cannot regain. I cannot take back my undergrad years, or the summer before college, or my first two years of graduate school. The longer I hold onto you, the more time I am throwing away. I never know what the day will bring, what miracles will happen, and I don’t want to miss out on any more. You make me robotic, dead to the world, merely a body walking around without a purpose. I know God has a purpose for me, a purpose that I want to follow out. I know longer wish to spend multiple days in the hospital throughout a semester. Yes, I’ve been fortunate that my teachers are understanding, but I cannot rely on that forever. I don’t wish to wake up feeling hung-over from the night before from either overdosing on meds or alcohol. You will ultimately take my life if I allow you too. I can’t have a small portion of you in my life. Sometimes I wish I could, but I know in my heart that it doesn’t work out that way.

This is why I have to tell you goodbye. I want my life back. I want all those positive things that I can have without you. It will be hard and there will probably be times that I try coming back to you out of fear and anxiety, but I know God will help me through those times. He will show me things to remind me of why I want a life with Him and not with you. He never fails me. You do. I cannot have the both of you. One gives me life and the other takes. And I want to live. So goodbye Ed, you are no longer welcome.

Dear Lord, Please help me live up my end of this letter. Give me the willingness and desire to take it one step at a time, focusing on what I will gain in a life with you instead of with Ed. Thank you.

Sincerely,

Jenn

Friday, July 9, 2010

Beginning a New Journey

I arrived at Timberline Knolls on May 17, lost, hurting sick and unsure of who I as or what I was searching for. Trembling, I signed the paperwork hoping that I had made the right decision. The relapse of my eating disorder that brought me to TK was worse than any relapse I had previously experienced. Pills and alcohol were added to my already deep rooted eating disorder.
After signing the paperwork, I made the walk from the administration building to the newly remodeled Maple
Lodge. I was greeted with an enthusiastic "Hi! Welcome to Maple" from who would become one of my most supportive BHSs. The rest of the evening was nerve racking: my first meal at TK, questioning whether I really needed to be here and meeting new people. LIttle did I know that some of those women I met on my first night would become some of my best and most trusted friends.
The next several days were filled with intake appointments, meeting my treatment team and adjusting to the schedule. The first week is a blur. I went through the motions but really struggled with whether I wanted to change or not. However, sometime in the next two months, things started to shift. While fear often overwhelmed me, I wanted to find the willingness to change. I needed to reach out for support from God to do so thought. Did I really want to let go of everything? It wasn't until about 5-6 weeks into my stay that I was able to honestly say "yes!" Praying for acceptance, working on being more gentle with myself, and challenging myself with meals, I started to see changes.
It was one day at Overeaters Anonymous that my eyes were opened to progress I had made. After reading "Acceptance was the Answer" in AA's Big Book, I looked back to my thoughts I had experienced when I read it previously. Before, acceptance was merely a dream that did not seem achievable as my perfectionism was constantly in the way. However, upon reading it the second time I began to recall times of acceptance over the past week. Times I had given into urges but not beat myself up, but instead got back on the saddle. Times I have accepted where I'm at in my recovery without saying "I should be better." Again, after doing a body racing in my last week, I saw improvements. I was able to pick out more good qualities of my personality than the lies my disease had told me for so many years, something I never thought I'd be able to do.
Today, I am back in my hometown. While I'm nervous to be out in the "real world," I'm exited to start a new leg of my recovery. I have truly began to gain my life back. I feel dreams may actually be accomplished. I have hope and a desire to live. TK has truly saved my life and I will always be eternally grateful.

Monday, May 17, 2010

Embarking on a Journey

I am currently using Panera's WiFi, 30 minutes away from Timberline Knolls, where I will be starting residential treatment. So many thoughts are swarming around my head. All I can do is write to get them out...

Increased level of care, those words still ring in my mind. Words that came out of my therapists mouth less than 2 weeks ago. She was not going to see me on an outpatient basis until I had a
higher level of care. I've had 3 years of outpatient treatment, why now? Why is it that I seem to keep winding in a circle, watching the world pass around me, not able to make sense of my own reality. I was very angry when she first told me this, but now I'm hoping it will be a blessing in disguise. I am sick of this winding life. Sick of the every day battles that could be so much easier if Ed didn't have such a grip on me. Just the other day at a ballgame, my dad spent 30 minutes walking around with me until we found somewhere that I could eat, somewhere that Ed would allow. This is not how I want my life to be. I want to experience life, not watch it pass by. I want to live. I want to laugh, a real laugh, not just a small laugh that covers up the pain inside. I want to love: love myself and others.

I'm about to leave to finish the driving journey, only to start a new journey. One that brings me much anxiety but that I know God will hold me through. While it will be awhile before I'm back again, I will continue to believe, hope and trust that this journey will lead me to something greater, something more rich and more full. What can you do to show your believe, hope and trust in your life??

Sunday, May 2, 2010

Being a Kid!


Today I took the opportunity to engage in my inner child. I love just spending time outdoors, doing the things I love. Playing on a swing set. Hula Hooping. Running around. Doing cartwheels. It reminds me of the times that I was young, the times I was free from the burdens I hold within me now. The times before I felt that I had to prove myself worth living, prove myself to be worthy of love, worthy of trust, and worthy of friendships. Life was much simplier then. It was fun. The little things didn't matter. In fact, it was the little things that brought us joy. The sound of the music playing on the ice cream truck as I ran quickly to my piggy bank. The bike rides around the neighborhood. The games of pick-up basketball or HORSE. Playing late night tag. Catching fireflies. Making "stew" out of grass, mud and anything else that we could find outside while playing "Little House on the Prairie" (I was always Laura). The little things are what life was made of. Life wasn't planned. It didn't have to be set in my calendar: "At 3:00 I will take some time for myself." I just did it. I would sit down and read just because I wanted to, not because it was time that I was "suppose" to spend for myself. So my challenge to myself this week, and to anyone that reads this. is to find those little moments in life that you do something for yourself, something that was unplanned. I would love to hear what you do!

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Needing a Distraction

The other day I was experiencing lots of urges...I didn't have any canvas to paint on, couldn't form the words to write for once, but I could focus on pictures. It was raining so I couldn't go take pictures myself, but I started looking through ones from the past year and made this video. I hope it reminds other, as it did me, of the good times they have been able to experience because of recovery versus a life with Ed.

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

NEDA Walk


My personal page is up and running for our NEDA walk that myself and two others have been putting together. If you would like to donate it would be much appreciated. http://neda.nationaleatingdisorders.org/site/TR/NEDAWalk/General?px=1031126&pg=personal&fr_id=1160
Just click on "support" and go from there!

Even better would be to be a participant yourself. To do so visit: http://neda.nationaleatingdisorders.org/site/TR?fr_id=1160&pg=entry
and click to register as an individual participant. It would be great to see some familiar faces out there walking with me! :-)




Sunday, April 18, 2010

Glimpses of Freedom


Yesterday I felt a bit of freedom. That glimpse of light. I felt free, and boy did it feel good! I wanted to write about this last night, but after not getting home until 1:30 and having (yes, HAVING) to upload pictures, I decided I needed to hit the hay. The day started out shopping with my second mom, friend, and fellow Renew group member. We had the same therapist at Renew and had to buy her a gift for her baby due in the next month, plus of course some good retail therapy coupled with laughter and stories. I was actually able to shop, grab two sizes not knowing which would fit me best, and pick out the one that did, not beating myself up if it was not the smaller of the two. I remember doing this at times in the past and if the smaller size did not fit me, I would refuse to buy it period and probably stomp out of the store like a 4 year old who had just gotten her favorite toy taken away. For once I felt free from the thought that I was only worthy of a new pair of jeans, or a new shirt if the smallest size fit me, with room to spare.

Following that, I went and grabbed some groceries to take home and ate some lunch before heading over to my grandparents house to visit with them. On my drive home, I was talking with a friend of mine whom attended the Beyond Eating Disorders retreat in March. We were both talking about what freedom we were experiencing now in comparison to then. She said that she really did not feel that Ed had any hold on her any more and that she felt that she was able to eat whatever she wanted and exercise freely without Ed’s nasty thoughts bringing her down. This idea just made my jaw drop. I long to have that feeling as well. While I have made tremendous strides in the past month since the retreat, I cannot yet say that I feel free, yet I do feel that I am in more control. Yes, ME. Not the fake control that Ed convinces me that I have when I am listening to him. I am the one making the final decisions. In fact, I made a decision to eat a major fear food after leaving my grandparents house for the first time in years. And guess what, it was delicious, I didn’t even spontaneously combust like my mind told me I would.

After surviving the experience of the fear food, I went to City Market to meet up with another friend. We walked around, looking for fresh produce, spices and of course went in our favorite place: The Nut House. Well, that’s what we like to call it. It’s a middle eastern shop with a ton of different types of nuts and dried fruit. I love tasting new ones that I haven’t had before. I remember the first time I went there. I was counting every nut I ate to make sure to log it later, but yesterday I did not care. I tasted, and I ate some that I bought as well. Not keeping track. Again, experiencing freedom from a number that was not going to rule me!

Then came the spontaneous part of the day. Just a week prior, I had found out that my prior mentee was visiting a nearby school where she would be attending college in the fall. So I made the last minute decision to go down and visit her and attend the African Opera that would be held that night. So that was victory number 1 of the trip to Nevada, MO: just deciding to make 2 hour trip, last minute, without having planned it a month in advance, and inviting a mutual friend of ours to come as well. After raiding my friend’s closet when I went to pick her up in order to find a dress to wear for the night, it was decided that I needed some heels, not the flip flops I was wear. Good thing the Plaza was nearby where I could run into ALDO and buy a new pair of heels before heading off. Spontaneous decision numero dos.

After the heels were bought and my friend could now approve of my outfit (ok only joking, slightly), we were on our way to the thriving metropolis of Nevada, MO. Well, somewhat. First we had to stop at Panera to grab dinner, then get lost trying to find a gas station that my GPS told me was only .2 miles away but EVENTUALLY we were on our way. We passed some cows, many carpet outlets (who needs that much carpet for the run down barns, I’m not sure!), lots of nothing, and a little bit more of nothing. But the drive was filled with a lot of laughter, near choking experiences while taking a drink and laughing at the same time, and good music. We finally arrived to Cottey College where we attacked our friend with giant hugs, causing the people behind us at the door to have to wait. Finally, we got to meet face to face and I was filled with joy! You see, I was suppose to meet her about a month and a half ago but my relapse kept me from doing so. Ed truly does take, and recovery truly does give! Cheryl is right on with that quote!

We had a night filled with an African Opera, which we could definitely relate to our recovery and the King’s evil ways (Ed) to deceive his kingdom. Yet with the support of those around her, the main character was able to prevail and be true to herself and gain more out of life then she probably ever dreamed. Talk about recovery all in a two act play. The music and dancing were great but most importantly was the company I had. I just so much enjoyed the entire night, even the drive home in the dark (I get scared driving in the dark in the middle of nowhere). The spontaneous, random pictures afterward of course were a blast! I was present in the moment the majority of the night. I was able to enjoy the company around me and I felt loved. I felt life, freedom, and that glimpse of hope of something greater.


Friday, April 16, 2010

Reflection on the day


I've been doing a lot of thinking in the last hour, reflecting back on the day. It has kinda been a long one, but short at the same time. I slept through my alarm (apparently my body was still a little knocked out from the past 48 hours before that), and then rushed to get ready to go home because I had a meeting with a counselor in Overland Park at 2:30. It was neat to meet with this counselor. She is doing a lot of research for a presentation she is giving at a coming conference. It was just nice to sit down, talk about my experiences, knowing that she was going to use that information to hopefully help others. That is my dream: that I make it through all of these trials now with my perfectionism, eating disorder, anxiety, self-harm, etc so I can really truly show hope to others and help them find a place of healing. While I'm making great strides, I know I still have a ways to go because I'm a ways from where I want to be. One thing she asked was if I could picture myself without my perfectionism, and for once I was able to say yes. I told her that while its a far off picture, almost dream-like, I am able to picture it now.
I then had a nice time shopping for some clothes for my clinical with my mom before picking up my dad at the airport. We then went to dinner and I really felt like I was part of the experience for once. I wasn't having to self talk my way through every bite. I was present in the moment. And now, I sit here writing this with my dog curled up along my side thinking how grateful I am to be where I'm at. I am loved. I am supported. I have faith. I believe in myself. I have passions and desires. I wish for more, but am enjoying the moments that I experience now. My future is mine and I can't wait to see where it brings me.

Thursday, April 15, 2010

Life is Hard, but Worth it

Life is definitely hard sometimes. There are curveballs thrown when you least expect them, or least want them. Days when you just want to lay around and relax, but you can't. The last 2 hours have been extremely hard for me. The prep for the colonoscopy was really triggering but I knew that I needed to take care of myself and do exactly what was told of me, so I did. Yes, I was extremely exhausted from fighting all day, but I did it. Why? Because one day of letting Ed have control is 1. never just one day, 2. one day too many, 3. another day of opportunities for me that I have lost. Life
is too short, too precious and too wonderful to spend any more of it with his rules. So I'm slowly breaking them. Slowly embracing the life I was made to have. So now I'm having to battle getting back on my normal eating as currently every bit of food has made me curl into a ball in pain, but I will continue to eat in small portions. Pushing through the pain just a little bit each time. I know my body needs it. It was made to need energy through food.
It's been awhile since I've written as things have been really busy this week with finishing up school then I was just really taking some time for myself. I spent a couple days, while still staying on track with recovery, not focusing so much on eating disordered things. I got a pedicure. I did some painting. I took pictures on a walk. I talked with friends. I spent time at church laughing with people I love. I lived life! Life without Ed knocking at my door 24 hours out of the day. It's a glorious reminder of what life can be, and what God intended for it to be.


Saturday, April 10, 2010

New Life

My good friend and author of “One Life,” Naomi Feigenbaum, writes about her journey in recovery and how we are given one life, one chance and our abilities to make the best of it through recovery, rediscovering who we are and embracing that person. What I find to be interesting is how we are given one life, yet I feel like recovery has given me a NEW life. Not only have I been able to form new relationships that are irreplaceable, but I have been able to find my passion in life. I know my desire to help people, to bring a smile to someone’s face, to be there as ears to listen and arms to hug. These longings are burning inside of me now in place of the dead, empty space I had before.

Another thing that is interesting though is how we can then break down new life into a new day. Every morning the sun rises, no matter what happened the day before, the sun always rises. My favorite mornings are ones that I wake up to having slept with my window open (as I am tonight) and hear birds chirping, or look outside and see the turkey or deer in the backyard having their breakfast. It’s so calm and serene. This new day brings about new opportunities. New chances. New risks to take but excitement to go with them.

What is a “day” though? Does it start at the time your alarm goes off and end when you go to bed? I don’t think so. I think the day can start and restart multiple times. Sometimes we just need to take a breath and say to ourselves “Ok. I’m restarting the day and I’m going to make the most of it!”

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Fight On!

It has just been one of those evenings...you know, one of those when you wish parts of life were just a little easier. Or that you could take a break from recovery just for the day so that you can surpass the day of uncomfortable feelings that seem to be accompanying it so that you can focus on something else (school/finals in my case). But alas, I have learned that this "just for the day" syndrome is not a "just for the day." So fight on I have. But yes, it has been uncomfortable. Thoughts have plagued my mind. Fight on. Lies have crept in. Fight on. Some things just don't seem to be going as planned. Fight on. Those "rules" seem impossible to break. Fight on....fight on!
Through all the self talk, affirmations, prayers, music, I have managed to fight on. I sit here eating my night time snack reflecting back on the day and feel some pride. I did fight on. The thoughts were there, but they did NOT rule over me. My faith pulled me through. In listening to Mark Schutlz's "He will Carry Me" tonight, I found that hope:

And even though I’m walkin’ through
The valley of the shadow
I will hold tight to the hand of Him
Whose love will comfort me
And when all hope is gone
And I’ve been wounded in the battle
He is all the strength that I will
Ever need
And He will carry me

God carried me through the day. He gave me the strength to fight on!

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Relapse to Realtiy


I want this to be something that you can do, feel good about, that is realistic.It was with these words from my dietitian that I gained back some exercise privileges after the hardest, quickest, and most daunting relapse I have ever had. While for a runner, a short walk seems like nothing, this walk was more then just a walk. It was a symbol of trust. My dietitian trusted me to maintain certain conditions in order to walk. It was a symbol of progression. It was a symbol of recovery. Reality had hit, and I was back on the road of recovery, a road that I was afraid had completely disappeared. I road that I had almost come to the conclusion I did not deserve. A road that my eating disorder had lied to me about saying that it was worse then his road. Well, he was and is wrong! The road of recovery, while unknown, scary, and hard to walk down, is also a road with flowers lining it instead of thistles, a road with sunlight to show the way at times instead of a darkness that not only blinded my eyes but also my heart, a road that leads to freedom, to laughter, to love and to life.

Monday, April 5, 2010

Recovery as a Marathon


A friend just sent this to me and I HAD to share! Its so empowering. As a runner, I feel so much power when I run the distances that I never dreamed I could. Finishing races with a healthy body that can take me those distances is the most freeing thing I've experienced in my life. Recovery takes time, patience, work, HARD work. It takes walking the walk, not just talking the talk. There may be pain, but the reward is worth every ounce of pain. Freedom. Love. Laughter. Relationships. Its all worth it!

a modern fairy tale



Once upon a time, in a kingdom not unlike ours there was a common serving boy with dreams of knighthood. In those days, you had to be a knights son to be trained as a knight. Sometimes if a dragon was slain or a particularly clever irrigation system was invented they would make an exception. But you had to be extraordinarily lucky since dragons were few and far between and this was before American Idol had been invented.

One day, on the advice of his wizard, the king made a new decree. All through the land it was proclaimed;

"Any person who can complete a marathon will be granted a wish from the king. This offer is good as long as the kingdom stands and the offer is open to all."

This was exciting news. The whole country was abuzz. Everyone wanted a wish from the king. Everyone made plans to run the marathon.

The marathons were to be held once a year. The boy signed up for the first one. Surprisingly there were few names on the list.

"I'll do the next one" said a friend, "I'm pretty busy right now".

"I'm not sure if I want the king to make me a knight or a minstrel, so I'm going to wait till I figure out which I should be" said another.

"My boyfriend wants me to wait till he can run it too said a pretty lass."

And so on the first marathon only half the town showed up. When the bell was rung, they started running the 26 miles they had to complete. (this was before the metric system). After about 2 miles, the first person gave up. At about 5 miles the boy was too exhausted to go on. He crawled for awhile till he passed out. No one from their town finished the marathon.

The next day, people were talking again, about how the king had set an impossible task. It was obvious that as many people could run marathons as could slay dragons. The general populace went back to living the way they did before.

A year later though, a skinny tailor won it. And the year after that a couple other people did. They all had their wishes granted. Still the people did not hope because many had tried and most had failed. They were not genetically predisposed to running marathons. They were a short and stocky people.

One day a knight came to town to talk about how he won the marathon.

The town hall was full because people always have dreams. The knight shared his secret:

"Almost no one can run a marathon at first try." he said and everyone nodded their heads at this truth. "No matter how hard you try." And the boy knew this was true because he had tried with all his heart but that had only taken him to mile 5. "but I know a secret that will help you pass the marathon" said the knight and everyone leaned forward.

"when I ran my first marathon, after 2 miles it became impossible and I quit. I went home defeated. But the next day I woke up mad because I am not a quitter and so I went back to where the marathon was held and though no one was there, I ran it again. And this time it was even harder because I had blisters, but I ran it anyways and at 2 miles it became impossible again and I went home defeated. Because I am stubborn, I came back the next day and ran it again. I did this all week purely because my nickname is stubborn joey. After a week though, I found that I could run 3 miles. So I was a little encouraged. I resolved to complete the marathon for my own pride and every day I ran and every week I found I ran a little farther. When the next year's marathon came around, I failed yet again, but this time I got to 18 miles before I had to quit. I ran every day until the next marathon and suddenly and easily I won the next marathon. As you can see, the king granted me my wish, I am a knight".

The people were angry.

"We want a proper secret!" they yelled. No one wanted to run everyday for 2 years.

"but don't you see?" the knight told everyone still listening "you can have your dream, you can have anything you want if you just dedicate some time to it every day. Even a little daily effort will get you closer to your dream. You just have to learn to push yourself a little farther every day. It's not that hard once you get used to it"... but by that time the only person who was listening was the boy.

So the boy resolved to train for the marathon. He ran a mile every day for a couple days... then things got busy and he told himself he would run 4 miles on the weekend when he had more time, but he ended up going to the beach with his friends. He always intended to start running again, maybe tomorrow or for sure by next week. He never gave up on his dream, he bought some very nice running shoes and did a lot of research about running. He did a lot of planning and made a lot of resolutions. But he rarely actually went running. He thought of himself as a runner and was bitterly critical of other people who trained and he was especially bitter about the people who won marathons. He drank a lot of ale and grew heavier but he kept telling himself that one day he would start training again, he would run the marathon.

Finally years later, he found the knight who gave the speech and he asked him how the king granted his wish.. did he rub a lamp and a genie came out? Did he wave a magic wand? The knight explained that the king sent him to see the wizard who told him this:

"You have already learned the secret to getting what you wish in life. Almost any change you desire can be brought about by daily practice. While your goals may seem impossible at first, with enough faithful training you can achieve them. Now go and spread this knowledge."

And the boy who was now a man became angry and hit the knight with a rock because he really didn't want to hear that the power to change his own life was in his own hands.

A great sadness fell over the knight because no one wanted to hear the fantastic truth and also he had just been hit with a rock.

and while the knight went on to live happily ever after, very few other people did.

Sunday, April 4, 2010

Start Over and Washed Clean

My mind is somewhat foggy tonight. Ed thoughts are filling it, but I am battling against them. I deserve better and I want better, therefore I will fight for better. However, it is tiring to fight and does cause my mind to become slightly overwhelmed. So where else do I go but to my itunes play list where the first song that starts playing is "Start Over Again" by Addison Road. The lyrics start off as:

Open up your eyes
Awake, arise
Love like a hand reaches down
And pulls us up from the dirty ground
Now is the time
To step from the dark into the light
Cause you can’t change what you’ve done
But you can choose who you’ll become

(CHORUS)
Every moment is a second chanceAt starting over, at starting over
Move from the past to the present tense
You can start over, start over again

If you feel ashamed
Of the choices that you’ve made
You can be whole again
And return to your innocence

It is perfect for the day. Yesterday was just an ordinary day, but today we woke up in remembrance of Christ's rising. His death symbolizes all our sins being washed away. Guilt, pride, ignorance, idols, perfectionism, addictions. He takes them all away if I allow it. Our pastor asked today if we truly believed in the resurrection. This question caught me off guard because I mean, obviously I believe. But then he went on to say how if we truly believed, then we would not worry about the little parts of life, we would give over our sins, because we know that we exit from this life instantly into the our next, eternally with God. Later he posed the question of: "What are you doing with your life?" Again this got me thinking, and overthinking, then back to reality. Right now, I am proud to say that I'm gaining my life back. While I may at times "feel ashamed of the choices I've made" today Christ rose so I "can be whole again and return to innocence." I can make whatever I want of my life. The opportunities are endless. The canvas of my life is blank, I can paint it however I like. This excites me. While there may be some things that come up that I don't necessarily want on my canvas, I can always develop it into something new. Everything that happens does not have to be the end of that happening; instead it can continue to develop into something greater, better; something that I desire and that God wishes for me.

Saturday, April 3, 2010

Angels

"For he will order his angels
to protect you wherever you go.
They will hold you up with their hands
so you won’t even hurt your foot on a stone." Psalm 91: 11-12

Angels. I remember watching 'Touched by an Angel' every Sunday night as a young girl, wondering if I would ever experience something like that. I have read about angels, been told about angels, but never felt like I had one in my life until the end of 2009. But even then, I didn't realize that this person that God sent into my life was my angel. It wasn't until recently that I had this revelation. Psalm 91 says that God will send us angels to protect us, lift us up so we don't get hurt. In my case, my angel did more then protect me, she helped show me the way. If I did get hurt, she was there. God sent her at a time in my life that I did not realize the impact she would truly have on me. We laughed, until we cried. We talked about the most random things. She was like my big sister that I always wanted. Then when I did need her, she was already there. God had already placed her in my life and formed a relationship that was trusting, loving (unconditionally), and real. Nothing could break the bond that held our hearts together because that hold was God, faith and love. While distance can separate, pain can cut through, disease in whatever form can fence off a relationship, there is still something connecting us I believe. Something that can never be broken. My angel saved my life. It might be cliche, but its 100% true. If my angel had not appeared when she did, the bond wouldn't have formed, the trust wouldn't have developed and the secrets wouldn't have been told. Then when I truly needed the angel, I would have run away, but I couldn't. God kept the tie between us tied. Whether it's through talking now, or remember old things said, reading past journals, listening to music that reminds me of her, my angel's purpose will forever reign in my heart and mind.
So yes, I do believe in angels, and I know I have been touched by an angel.

Friday, April 2, 2010

God's Love

What makes me aware of God's love?

This question was posed at Celebrate Recovery tonight which got me thinking....
God's love runs deep. It is unconditional. Forgiving. Grace giving. God's love does not start and stop with the rising and setting of the sun. It does not have boundaries. Even in the darkness, God's love is there. While it easy for me to feel God's love outdoors as I see his works of beauty and feel the warmth of the sun on my face, it is at the times of darkness when his love feels greatest. When I cannot see the light, his love becomes that light. Music plays in the background as I write this, telling of God's love.
God's love is beyond measure. Words cannot begin to describe its depths.

You are a Child of Mine- Mark Schultz

I’ve been hearing voices
Telling me that I could
Never be what I wanna be.
They’re binding me with lies,
Haunting me at night,
And saying there’s nothing to believe.
Somewhere in the quietness,
When I’m overcome with loneliness,
I hear You call my name.
And like a father You are near
And as I listen I can hear You say

Chorus:
You are a child of Mine
Born of My own design
And you bear the heart of life.
No matter where you go,
Oh, you will always know
You have been made free in Christ.
You are a child of Mine

And so I listen as You tell me who I am
And who it is I’m gonna be.
And I hang on every word,
Knowing I have heard
I am Yours and I am free
But when I am alone at night
That is when I hear the lie
You’ll never be enough
And though I’m giving into fear
If I listen I can hear You say

Chorus

I am calling…
I am calling…
I am calling…

Chorus