Spiritual Experience

In AA or other 12 step programs, we often talk about having spiritual experiences. (Note: 'spiritual' does not have to mean God or religion.) I have had many throughout my life that have allowed my faith to remain through everything I have been through. Yes, it does get shaky at times and there have been times that I have completely shut him out, putting blame where it did not belong. At times I questioned my faith, wondering if there really was a God that loved me unconditionally, or if I was deserving of this so called love.

In the past week, I have begun to fall into this self pitying place of rejection of my faith, questioning my beliefs, and placing blame in God's hands. When I hit these places, it gets ugly really fast. I turn into a person I am not. I get angry with others, and myself, quickly, I become dishonest through withholding the truth, behaviors increase, urges increase, I say things I regret, and I blame it on anyone but myself.

A therapist gave me an assignment the other day and I had to report into her t

he next day to say whether I had done the following:

1. Journaled twice

2. Prayed 3 times

3. Followed my meal plan 100%

I hadn't done them all in completion but I had done parts of each which was better then what I was doing prior. My morning prayer went something like this: "God, I'm only praying because I've been told to. I don't really know what you can do for me right now. I'm not sure I want to get better. The fear outweighs the benefits in my mind. However, if you should feel so inclined to give me some motivation, that'd be great. Amen."

When I got home that day, I decided God wasn't going to answer that prayer. I concluded that I was "meant to" continue acting out on my behaviors. But then I got on facebook where I

had the following message:

I know I've never met you, but I was contacting you because I'm really inspired by you! You seem so confident and happy now, and even going to all the ed conferences and things that just makes me believe you are very strong in your recovery. I recently saw Rita Frickel at the creighton cardiac center, (now doing partial at childrens hospital) but when I was there I thought about how you were doing grad school at Creighton and thought I might ask for tips :) I'm super motivated and doing okay in treatment, but on the outside its SO much harder and being in college the support is not there like in high school and growing up. How did you find support? How are you doing now? I won't load you with questions, but I hope to hear from you. Thanks for the inspiration :)

There is no way this girl knows how much those words meant to me. Yes, up until the last 5 or 6 days, I had been doing really well. I was motivated. I saw a reason tot recover. But somewhere things flipped again. This message showed me again why I want to recover. I want to be able to get more messages like this (not that I'm greedy and wanting messages but its the principle behind it). I want to help people. I want to be an effective advocate, living by my words. I want to publish a book. I have all these dreams and this message awakened me to them yet again. So guess what, God did answer that prayer and it was a reminder that things don't always happen in my time, but in His, my higher power's.

What are your dreams?

How do you connect with your spiritual life? Do you need to reconnect?