"Be not afraid of life. Believe that life is worth living, and your belief will help create the fact." – William James

Sunday, April 15, 2012

Truth or Lie

Recovery is a journey

Yesterday I got the random idea to go back and read old blogs from this time in 2010, aka the point in time where shit was hitting the fan, where life was becoming unmanageable, where I prayed each day for God to take me in my sleep. I was expecting to relive this horror a little through these readings, end up in tears, call my mentor and her ask me what the heck I was thinking when I went back to read them. First of all, there was 13 posts...13 in April alone! Apparently I was a writing fool while being a full time student. These writings included:

* a video of pictures showing why recovery is better then a life with Ed
* logs of my life in "recovery"
* talk about the "great strides" I had made
* info "following the guidelines" required for the prep/post colonoscopy I had done
* talk about relationships being better
* my desire to continue fighting
* many other positive, inspiring comments....

Who was I lying to? Others? Most definitely. Myself? Possibly. Did I really have myself convinced that everything was ok? Looking back now, I can see my life at this time from the outside. I can see it spinning out of control. I can see my depression, my misery, my giving up. However, I honestly think that at that time, I thought everything ok. I really was lying to myself as much as I was lying to everyone else. I put on such a mask that I had myself confused as to who was the real Jenn.

I'm so grateful that I don't have to lie to myself or other today. I am able to be myself and feel my emotions. When I'm feeling down, I'm ok with telling someone else that as I know they will not judge me. It's so much easier to just be myself then trying to keep 18 stories straight with who I told what to. Today I can say that I truly am grateful for recovery. Yes, I do still have my struggles, mostly with body image in particular, but I choose not to act on it these days. I do still have days that I choose sweat pants over jeans because yes, I'm not perfect and I'm still a work in progress, but that's ok. I haven't given up. I thankful for my willingness to put one foot in front of the other. Even if just for today. After all, today is what matters.

Saturday, April 7, 2012

Miracles

Easter Egg from 2 Years Ago

I've been thinking a lot lately, which at times is good and at others is bad, but what I wanted to write about was the miracle of the good. The gratefulness I have for my life today. It was nearly 2 years ago that my life really was hitting bottom, that I felt more comfortable in a hospital then I did in my own house, and that I prayed every night for God to take me in my sleep. However, on this Easter weekend, I am so grateful to say that I can see so many miracles in my life and not only in my recovery but in really living life. First, I am alive. Medically, I don't know how my body survived. Spiritually, I know that God is the only reason I'm here. He still has a plan for me.
Secondly, the most important thing to me that recovery has given me is the ability to form relationships with people again, and repair relationships that were broken. I am beginning to learn to trust people, which is something I never dreamed I could do again. That in itself is a miracle.
Third, I am able to feel emotions. Yes, I did say "Able To." Don't get me wrong, there are still many times that I want to feel numb, that I don't want to feel those "negative" emotions, however, having the ability to feels those today also gives me the ability to feel the positive ones. I can feel happy. I can enjoy myself. I can REALLY laugh. I don't have to wear that fake smile 24 hours a day. (Yes, I think I kept it on while sleeping just in case someone caught me). I have laughed so many times just today, it amazes me.
Forth, I can remember each day. I don't have to have people tell me what happened a week ago any more because I'm actually cognizant of what's happening to me and those around me. I had to look back at pictures from Easter 2 years ago to try and recall what happened. It's scary how much time I've lost, but I have so much to gain now.
Fifth, and lastly, I have a future today. I am able to live in the moment, but know that there is a greater plan for each moment. I am able to help other women through similar struggles as mine which is such a miracle. It reminds me of where I've been and keeps me working on myself to continue to better myself.  I have dreams, goals and ambitions. I don't want to die today. I want to live. I want to love. I want to sing and dance. I want to be me.