Blessed

I am blessed. While my decisions are showing more and more consequences, quicker and more often then I'm used to, I continue to see how much God has blessed me in life and continues to do so. While I don't feel that I deserve his never ending grace and forgiveness, He continues to give it to me. He continues to give me chances. I know this is because He has a purpose for me, one that I cannot deny or ignore. I mean seriously, the guy keeps throwing things at me to make me aware that He isn't going to give up on me! But in all reality, while I don't have much to say tonight, I just wanted to tell anyone who reads this to really look at your life and while some times might seem hard, we are all blessed in so many different ways. Just within the last couple days, I've seen how I've been blessed with roommates who are there for me when I need them, friends who care, a family who will do anything to support me and loves me unconditionally, a therapist who really cares and wants the best for me, but above all, God is always there. He continues to offer his hand, reaching down to cut away anything blocking my path, a hand to comfort and guide me, a hand just to let me know he is there.

Mysterious Mind

Our minds are a funny thing. From running on autopilot, to a small song or occasion making us remember a specific memory, its all quite amazing. Sometimes this amazing mind can haunt us though. As I lay in bed, after finishing studying outside and becoming very aware of my headache not being completely gone due to the bright sunshine (don't get me wrong, I'm very glad the sun was finally shining!), I find that my mind is no longer on neuro notes, but instead on the next meal. What things I can shave off, how I can make it look like I'm eating more than I am. Then I remember that my roommate is cooking and suddenly I go into panic mode. How can I avoid the inevitable, eating what I don't have control over? Sleep! So I instantly decide to go to sleep, all because of my headache of course, or so I thought I was reasoning it into. No, I wasn't listening to Ed, I was simply decreasing the effect of my headache so I could have more productive studying later.

Three minutes before my alarm went off, another roommate came upstairs to wake me up for dinner. I groaned, moaned, rolled over, squinted at the light and then BAM! The light. Suddenly I realized what the last hour had been spent doing. Following Ed's commands. Ignoring my needs. What else was I trying to avoid? Confrontation. Uncomfortable feelings. I was seeking safety which only I could control. Yet it all happened so fast that I did not even label the thoughts as being Ed's until after I had slept an hour. He continued to talk to me all through dinner and even now as I am typing this after dinner, but I know that it's him now. These thoughts about me being inferior, inadequate, unworthy, unlovable, poor student, bad friend....these are not mine. They are lies. Lies that sometimes seem like truth, but if I sit down and really take the time to think about them, I find that they are not. They are strong, they hit me straight in the heart but that's because Ed knows what he can use to get to me most. He can tag up with my perfectionist and my critic, as he is at this very moment, and really hit me where it hurts, making me want to curl into a ball and surrender. But that tough love voice that is slowly developing, and that inner child, they both want to be loved and taken care of no matter what it takes.

So I will sit through this feeling. I will listen to the songs on the radio and what they are speaking to me. I remember moments I've had laughing, singing, running, experiencing the wind in my face and those are the moments I want back. If it takes tough love to get there, then bring it on. I may hate it right now, but I'll love myself for it later.

Blindfolded

I recall saying "But I'm working so hard!" a lot lately, among other excuses that I did not always see as excuses. Something else I was blinded to was that the work I was doing was merely to keep me afloat, if that. It did seem hard at the time, I cannot minimize that, but I was not giving the 110% that I thought I was giving. Excuses became second nature. They rolled off my tongue just as easily as the hateful comments, lies and ignorant thoughts did. No longer was I in my own mask but instead I had been blindfolded. I could not see reality. I could not see the pain in others eyes as I looked them in the face and denied, lied and cried. I could not hear truth. I could not feel love. I was in my own bubble, one that was self created, then somehow locked without me realizing it. Somehow that blind fold was taken off though. God pulled and tugged at it for awhile and I held on. I did not want to see reality. While my world that I had created was nothing but pain and sorrow, something about it was comforting. It was mine. But God prevailed as always and I surrendered and let him have the blindfold, let him unlock the bubble and let him hold me as I opened my eyes, heart and mind to what I had turned away from before.

Suddenly in front of me was love, light, hope, desire, another chance, a fork in the road and I had a choice to make. I could continue along the side that I had been traveling on, or I could go the opposite direction. I couldn't see far along that path but I heard a voice telling me "Trust" "Believe" "You can do it!" So I made the turn and set one foot in front of the other. I am now aware that the hard work I thought I was doing was not truly hard work. This path, now this is hard. Having a migraine all weekend, in my past, would have given Ed all the power in the world to keep me from eating all weekend. But every time I woke up from naps, I got up and ate. I told Ed that he did not have power over me. I am becoming alive! I have a voice. And my voice is louder than Ed's.

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God is Alive- Fee

Let the darkness flee. It’s got no power over me. I have been set free, God is alive.
Death where is your sting. Sin has got no hold on me. I am free indeed. God is alive.
We’ve been redeemed. So rise and sing.
Everyone glorify the risen Son. The Holy One has overcome. Jesus is alive. The enemy is broken underneath His feet. Death is crushed in victory. Jesus is alive. Jesus is alive.
Let us wake and rise. Lift your voices lift our eyes. We’re gonna shout we’re gonna shake the skies. God is alive.
We’ve been redeemed. So rise and sing.
Everyone glorify the risen Son. The Holy One has overcome. Jesus is alive. The enemy is broken underneath His feet. Death is crushed in victory. Jesus is alive. Jesus is alive.
The empty grave is singing now it’s shouting out. He is alive, He is alive. And we are free.
The empty grave is singing now it’s shouting out. He is alive, He is alive. And we are free.
We’ve been redeemed. So rise and sing.
Everyone glorify the risen Son. The Holy One has overcome. Jesus is alive. The enemy is broken underneath His feet. Death is crushed in victory. Jesus is alive. Jesus is alive.

Weekends

Weekends seem to bring upon a sense of quietness. This could be taken as a good thing, but sometimes it turns bad. The quietness becomes emptiness and loneliness. Ed wants to creep in and tell me how he can be my friend during this time. Oh what a nice friend... WAKE UP Jennifer! This so called friend also will yell at you, becoming your drill sergeant, making you his slave. This is NO friend. Today has been a reminder of how the weekends can be if I listen to him. I slept in this morning. Something that would normally cause me to skip breakfast. But I didn't. I still ate. I was a little behind though so when I went to lunch with a youth member, I got a little more then I normally would. Full sandwich verses half. Then I came down with a migraine. I worked through it for awhile so I could get one paper finished (or at least my portion of it). But by the end of that, I could no longer look at light, I felt nauseous, and my head was pounding. Great! This was just what Ed could have used in my past to throw the day down the drain. I mean, heaven forbid I got a headache, something completely out of my control. So I decided to take care of myself and nap until I needed to get ready for our annual banquet for school. I set my alarm to get up for that and when I woke up, if anything, I felt worse. Instantly Ed was happy because I could skip dinner there. I didn't want to do that though. I wanted to go against what he said. So I tried to sit up then felt like I was going to throw up so lay back down I did. Instantly I started thinking "Oh no. If I don't show up, that's just going to be another way for people to think that I'm isolating and not being a part of social situations." Then I heard a little voice in my head saying "What others think of me is none of my business." I needed to take care of myself at this time. So I went back to sleep, woke up later feeling a little better and ate some dinner, responded to emails and sent a few more out. Now I'm getting ready to head back to bed again. I slept for about 5 hours during the day. Ed doesn't like it. But you know what, I don't care. He can be as mad as he wants. Others can think whatever they want to think about me. I know that I was taking care of myself. Something that I'm just learning how to do and tomorrow my body will thank me.

So while this could have been a feeling of emptiness and loneliness today, it wasn't. At times those feelings snuck in, but I then connected with others and realized that I'm not alone. And on top of that, I always have God.

In conclusion, weekends don't have to be a way for Ed to creep in. They don't have to be this "unstructured, lonely time" that I always thought they were. They can be embraced. Used as time to take care of yourself. Extra time to relax, catch up on work, do something you enjoy, talk with friends, and just be in the moment. For it is only this moment that matters. We never know what tomorrow will bring and we can't change that. But we do have a choice as to what we make of this moment.

Dreams

I have had many dark days in the past 4 or 5 months, not all days, but more then I would have wished for. However, that darkness has a bit of light to it right now. While it might just be a flicker of a candle, it is light. It has hope. It contains a flame that not only burns on the wick, but also in my heart. My heart desires more. It has been broken, yet God offers to repair it still, even after everything I've done. Everyone I've hurt. He still mends. But not only does He mend, He gives me even more. He gives me strength, desire and dreams, or rather awakens me to all those that the darkness had overshadowed. My dreams that I have had before had been shut off. They were no longer dreams but almost had become nightmares. Fear of achieving them had overcome me. Now that I realize that, I have pulled down the fear and can see the excitement that it was covering up. Yes, the future is scary in that it is unknown, but it has endless opportunities as well. As I head to bed tonight, my dreams are full of desire, passion, and trust that God has me in His hands so there is no reason to fear. Its all going to be alright.

Arms That Hold The Universe- Fee

I know it seems
Like this could be
The darkest day you've known
But believe you me
The God of strength
Will never let you go
He will overcome, I know

And the arms that hold the universe
Are holding you tonight
You can rest inside
It's gonna be alright
And the voice that calmed the raging sea
Is calling you His child
So be still and know He's in control
He will never let you go

Through many dangers, toils and snares
You have already come
His grace has brought you safe this far
(And) His grace will lead you home

And the arms that hold the universe
Are holding you tonight
You can rest inside
It's gonna be alright
And the voice that calmed the raging sea
Is calling you His child
So be still and know He's in control
He will never let you go

You can hope, you can rise, you can stand
He has still got the whole world in His hands
You can hope, you can rise, you can stand
He's still got the whole world, the whole world in His hands

And the arms that hold the universe
Are holding you tonight
You can rest inside
It's gonna be alright
And the voice that calmed the raging sea
Is calling you His child
So be still and know He's in control
He will never let you go

He will never let you go

(He's) Still got the whole world in His hands
in His hands, yeah
Still got the whole world in His hand

Tough Love

Tough love. Its the greatest form of love I believe. I've received it from many wonderful friends and family members. Sometimes this love is so tough that I tell myself that they don't love me and that's why they're being so mean, when actuality is that they love me so much that they are having to put themselves through the pain of being that tough one in order for me to really hear what they have to say. Jesus sacrificed his life for us. That love is unmeasurable and he was in tremendous pain.

Someone told me today that I should create that tough love voice for myself. I have seen how much the love people have given me has impacted me, so why not create a voice inside me. One that goes with me always. One that I can have to constantly remind me of how much I am loved. Maybe this voice will allow me to love myself. This is not to be confused with the critical bully voice that gets after me for every wrong turn I make, even though Ed told me it was the right turn. Instead, this is a voice that tells me that I am worth the pain and frustration because on the other side is freedom. This voice believes in me and isn't going to settle for anything less than me being true to myself. How to begin this process of creating a voice that if I ever had, has been silenced for years, I do not know. However, I will explore this.

First, I can say what it isn't. Tough love does not expect perfection. Perfection is unattainable and unrealistic, not to mention not real. Tough love is not critical or judgemental. Tough love is not a punishment.

So if its not all those things, tough love must be real. It must be genuine and full of compassion. It must be a reward, ongoing. It must be something that I deserve having. Lastly, tough love brings about happiness and joy for it is a pure and devoted love, one that does not come and go, but is unconditional and true.

What Faith Can Do

This song reminds me of someone very special in my life and I've been listening to it all night. Eating Disorders do have consequences and while I've been blessed to not have many physical consequences from my time I have spent wrapped up in the darkness of my eating disorder, I am having to face, head on, social and emotional consequences. However, I will continue to fight them head on because falling down and staying down will not solve any problems. It will just keep me in the darkness, in the depression, guilt and shame, and away from life, love, happiness, freedom and my passions. My faith in God, other's faith in me, and my growing faith in myself will pull me through this. I will become the real person that I am again. While I'm scared to step forward, I must do it. I trust God. I trust my friends. I trust my treatment team. And I will learn to trust myself.

Like the picture, I have been stuck within the trees waiting for a wind to let me blow lose and into the sky, floating, freedom. However, at times that wind has come but I've been too stuck to allow myself to let loose. However, God has given me a gust of wind to show me that I deserve to be out of the trees and into the world. So watch out world, I am willing to let go and see where God continues to blow me.

What Faith Can Do- Kutless

Everybody falls sometimes Gotta find the strength to rise From the ashes and make a new beginning Anyone can feel the ache You think it's more than you can take But you are stronger, stronger than you know Don't you give up now The sun will soon be shining You gotta face the clouds To find the silver lining I've seen dreams that move the mountains Hope that doesn't ever end Even when the sky is falling And I've seen miracles just happen Silent prayers get answered Broken hearts become brand new That's what faith can do It doesn't matter what you've heard Impossible is not a word It's just a reason for someone not to try Everybody's scared to death When they decide to take that step Out on the water It'll be alright Life is so much more Than what your eyes are seeing You will find your way If you keep believing I've seen dreams that move the mountains Hope that doesn't ever end Even when the sky is falling And I've seen miracles just happen Silent prayers get answered Broken hearts become brand new That's what faith can do Overcome the odds You don't have a chance (That's what faith can do) When the world says you can't It'll tell you that you can! I've seen dreams that move the mountains Hope that doesn't ever end Even when the sky is falling And I've seen miracles just happen Silent prayers get answered Broken hearts become brand new That's what faith can do That's what faith can do! Even if you fall sometimes You will have the strength to rise

Believe

Today I believe that there is a life ahead of me. While I do not know what my future holds, I believe that God has a purpose for whatever he is throwing at me right now. He has a plan. He will use me and my experiences. Life is a journey and I want to experience that journey. I have spent too much time just being a part of society, a statistic on the census, but I want to experience what is actually happening on my journey. I want to walk. Not just stand there and watch it pass by. I will be active in my journey. My journey is not only mine, it is intertwined with those I love and whom love me. They come. Some go. Some stay. But they are all a part of the journey and for that I am grateful. Every action. Every happening. Every person. Every tear. Every laughter. They all have molded me, shaped me, and formed me to who I am. While I need all those things, I am now choosing to take some of my own ideas, my own passions, and my own goals to add into the mix. I will no longer be passive. I believe that I have a future and more molding to be done.