Where I Am

I’m sitting in the Baltimore airport, enjoying my Subway lunch. It only took me 15 minutes to find somewhere to eat today. In the past, I’ve spent up to 45 minutes roaming airports, trying to find a sandwich shop or anything that I felt comfortable enough eating. Normally I had to scan everything to decide what the lowest calorie item was, but today that was different. I ordered what sounded good. When I ordered my diet coke, the cashier said “Diet? You don’t need diet!” I chuckled and said thank you. This too could have

been a very triggering comment in the past, but today it wasn’t. I thought to myself “He’s right. I could make a regular soda fit into my meal plan if I wanted. “ I’m becoming confident with my meal plan. Even though I’ve had some unexplained weight gain, I’m sticking with it. I’m trusting my dietitian, trusting the plan, and trusting my knowledge that my body will work things out in it’s timing. I feel hopeful, encouraged, excited, and proud. I still have to be careful though, just because I’m in a good spot now, does not mean I can take down my guard as I haven’t been in this place for very long. Instead, it means that I use this time to challenge myself, enjoy the moment and make notes as to what true recovery feels like.

I’m waiting for my next flight to NYC for NEDA10. I’m more than excited. While I’m anxious, not knowing what to expect, the excitement is overruling the anxiety. I’m so glad to be in the place I am right now so I am able to fully embrace everything there is to be learned, taken in, and remembered. I can enjoy my time with my mentor and make new friendships without obsessing what they will think of me, whether my clothes fit ok, or what I’ll be eating for my next meal. Don’t get me wrong, some of those thoughts will surely creep in, but I know that I can push them aside because I’m stronger and better than that voice. Better t

han the voice that tells me I’m inadequate, unworthy, unlovable, fat, a disappointment. Stronger than the urges that tell me that acting upon them is the only way to feel strength and power. Even more powerful than my strength though is my faith and my desire to heal. God is here with me. He has his hand stretched out, all I have to do is reach mine toward His.