Separating from Ed

I just got back from an amazing retreat put on by Thom Rutledge and Julie Merryman entitled “Beyond Eating Disorders.” It was my third time attending. I have gone into the retreat in 3 very different places in my recovery. The first time I was relapsing but was unaware of it until after the retreat. The second, I had just gotten out of residential at Timberline Knolls and was starting to struggle some after coming off a recovery high. This time, I was doing really well, getting through challenges and inspired to continue recovery so I had no idea what to expect. My mentor asked me what my goal was for the weekend. I had made goals in the past but for some reason it was much harder this time. I then realized how when I have been struggling, I tend to have difficulty separating my thoughts from Ed’s (eating disorder’s). I decided that my goal would be to have a reminder of the separation, to take notes and to blog about my experience. I will hit on 3 points: Notes taken and 2 exercises done.

Do not fret, with an eating disorder, it’s a good thing to hear a separate voice. Don’t worry, it doesn’t mean you are schizophrenic. By making this separation, it allows us to move from a place of possession where Ed receives the “I” statement to a place that Ed is speaking in the second person, a place that you can change. The reason we separate is because these thoughts/voices are NOT you. Transformation happens the more we separate.

The first exercise we did on Friday night was one in which Ed voices were talking at the recovery voices. We were told to split into two groups: Ed and Recovery. I normally choose “Ed” as it is easier for me to talk that way, after all, I hear it all day long. For the first time, I decided to be Recovery. Not only did I decide this, but I had a lot to say back toward those on the Ed side. I realized how irrational those voices are. How they are lies. Each and every one.

Another exercise was done on Saturday afternoon. This one is very hard for me to talk about but in order to get better understanding of how powerful this separation can be, I will be vulnerable. We were first told to write done 5 things that Ed is saying to us. My 5 were very different than the past. He used to just bash on body image and that was enough to get me. Now, he has to dig deeper and really strike some deep chords in order to get me to go to his side. These included:

1. Your voice is insignificant and no one cares.

2. Your body is disgusting and unattractive.

3. Why do you even try when you know you want to always run back to me?

4. You will get sexually abused again without me.

5. You do not deserve the love from your treatment team, family and friends.

We were then told to pick one person to be our Ed and one person to be our recovery voice. We positioned them where we thought those voices came from. For example, my eating disorder approaches me over my right shoulder, slightly behind me and my recovery voice sits facing me, holding my hand. These 5 statements were read to me by my eating disorder. Hearing them outloud is something totally incredible. Incredible may seem like an odd word to use. You see, while it’s hard to hear, it’s also eye opening. That voice can find exactly what hurts the most and hit it. However, I know that I’m more than that voice. I know that voice lies. Most importantly, I know that I have a future without that voice haunting me. Why? Because I have dreams, I have goals, all of which cannot be accomplished with my eating disorder, but without, they can be realized. I am NOT my eating disorder and neither are you!

What is your eating disorder telling you?