Is This Really Happening?!?

Someone please pinch me. I don’t think this life I’m living can really be mine. It’s too good to be true. It’s St. Patty’ day, I’m sober, I went to a St Patrick’s Day Parade, by myself and left sober after just missing my friends since they didn’t get there until just before I had to leave. I cried on my drive to meet up with a friend while talking to another friend about her recent relapse. I hurt me so much to know the pain she must be experiencing. Yet the hurt I felt did not cause me to drink, cut, to engage in ED. Instead I ate lunch with my friend even though she had already eaten. Then we went on a walk and laughed, real laughter. Later in the day I found myself craving frozen yogurt. A craving?!? Something I would have run from in the past if I experienced at all. I definitely wouldn’t have texted or set my facebook status in a way to find someone to go get fro yo with me. When I had almost lost all hope in finding someone, that same friend that I had hung out with earlier, whom I had met in IOP, said she would love to get frozen yogurt with me. So we hit it up. Three flavors, gummy bears, tapioca, and sprinkles later I felt good. Not anxious. Not guilty. But good. I was happy. We had eaten it together. Who would have thought that the two girls that rocked in the corner on the night of a meal challenge or that sat at Applebee’s crying through a meal would go out for frozen yogurt together for FUN and laugh and talk throughout it, not shake and stare off in space. After AA, I headed home to have corned beef and cabbage for dinner: the traditional St. Patrick’s Day dinner of which I have not participated in for awhile. On that drive home, I called both my sponsor and mentor either in tears or near tears, in awe. This is not the life I have lived. When did my life change? My sponsor said “It sounds like the effects of having a God in your life and using Him.” She could not be more than right. My mentor said to me “I told you one day it would just click. I believe today is your day.” Today is my click-day.

Wow. I am speechless. I wish I could explain to everyone what this feeling feels like. It is truly like nothing I have ever felt before. It’s like I have suddenly woke up from a deep sleep that I’ve been in for years. But the sky is bluer, the grass is greener, the jokes are funnier, relaxing is more restful and friendships are more meaningful. Everything is worth more to me. I appreciate every part of life a little more. God, I hope I’m not imaging this.

A Weekend of Reflection

This past weekend I attended a retreat in Nashville, TN put on by Thom Rutledge and Julie Merryman entitled Beyond Eating Disorders. This was my forth time attending this retreat with my first time having been exactly a year ago. I actually contemplated canceling coming to the retreat this time. I kept thinking that I didn’t need it, especially since my bank account is really running low as it is. However, something inside of me said to go and I’m sure glad I did.

I get something different out of every retreat just as I’ve always been in a very different place in my recovery: everywhere from a relapse to the strongest I’ve ever been. I cry during different times for different reasons, I feel pain at different parts, I am a different person. I spent much of the retreat reflecting on this thought: the differences in where I am now versus where I was a year ago. I came to one conclusion: I NEVER want to go backward.

During recent months, I have had a few hard days at a time that I forget how bad things used to be. Days that Ed’s voice becomes so enticing, that the positives of an eating disorder seem to outweigh the negatives. Yes, I did say positives of an eating disorder because yes, there are positives otherwise we wouldn’t keep it. For me, my ED gave me protection, security, a way to escape, minimize myself both physically and symbolically, a sense of control and confidence, and something that I felt I was good at. However, after this weekend’s reflection, I know that none of these things are enticing enough to bring me backwards. I have had too much of a taste of true recovery. Too much of a taste of life, of laughter, of fun, of freedom, of real relationships.

Recovery has given me the chance to do things such as not back out on plans with friends. I can go out to eat and order what I WANT off the menu versus what I think has the lowest number of calories. (And that’s if I even were to go out to eat at all). I can watch TV without having to do something else at the same time just so I am “productive.” I have real relationships with people. I can be myself. I can laugh, a real laugh, not a fake one! I can take time out of my schedule to help someone else, even if it wasn’t in my plan. I don’t have to be such a perfectionist. I get to truly be a part of my own life now instead of having it pass me by.

I am so grateful to have had this weekend to reflect on how my life has changed. I am so blessed for those in my life who have been a part of these changes. It has not been an easy journey at all and I still have a long way to go, but I know now that I don’t want to turn back. There is too much to look forward too, too much life to live, and too much to give.

ABC's Who am I?

Thought I'd switch things up with a light hearted get to know me blog since I've added some new followers lately.

A = Age: 24, approaching 25. A kid at heart. But an older soul.

B = Bed Size: At my parents house its just a double, but I consider "MY bed" to be my bed at school where I'll be returning next month and it's a queen. I can't wait to go back to it. It's so comfy!

C = Chore you hate: I don't know that there's any chore I ENJOY, but the thing I hate the most is vacuuming the stairs. I swear the vacuum gets heavier throughout the process.

D = Dogs: My parent's dog, Wendy. I love her to death. She makes me smile every day.

E = Essential start to your day: Once I've decided I've hit snooze long enough, I get up and eat breakfast and check my emails while eating.

F = Favorite Color: I can't pick one. Purple and blue....today.

G = Gold or Silver: Silver.

H = Height: 5’6'... 5'7" on a good day if I got a lot of sleep and my vertebral discs really got filled up

I = Instruments you play: Flute and piccolo

J = Job title: Permanent Student

K = Kids: I think I have it pretty good right now...I get to play with other people's kids and return them. :)

L = Live: I have lived for 24 years...I've lived in St. Joseph, MO, Liberty MO, Kirksville MO, Omaha NE and for 3 weeks in both Cedar City UT and Dallas TX if that counts. I'm really excited to live in NYC this fall!

M = Mom’s name: Kathleen Elizabeth...or Kathy

N = Nickname: Jenn. Freshman year of college one girl called me Jenny from the Block when we were out. My brother calls me Jenny when he's trying to be cute, otherwise I will NOT respond to Jenny.

O = Overnight hospital stays: Several. 4 days when I broke my leg. I think I was just overnight once (well, multiple nights with that occurrence) from alcohol/benzos. Then another psych stay.

P = Pet peeve: bad grammar

Q = Quote from a movie: Finding Nemo-Dora "Just keep swimming"

R = Right or left-handed: Right handed. Left footed- at least with dance and gymnastics I was always stronger on my left. I kick a soccer ball right footed though. Weird.

S = Siblings: One brother. 21. One of my best friends.

T = Time you wake up: Its so varied right now....need to be back on a schedule!

U = Underwear: in my top drawer, on the right

V = Vegetables you dislike: I really like most vegetables. I do pick onions off of sandwiches though so I guess that will work.

W = What makes you run late: Forgetting to pack a snack and then remember as I'm about to walk out the door.

X = X-Rays you’ve had: Teeth. Ankle from spraining it many times. Foot when I tore ligaments pretty bad from slipping on the side of a pool. I couldn't put any weight on it. Many on my leg over a year period when I broke it. My back and neck at chiropractor. My back again checking to see what the tumors were but they followed up with a ultrasound and they're benign. CT scan/MRI of my head with concussions and migraines.

Y = Yummy foods you make: I've been slacking on cooking lately since I've been home but I've been told that my Apricot Chicken is good along with my family's Red Beans and Rice.

Z = Zoo favorite animal: Monkeys for sure!

International Women's Day

Today is International Women’s Day, a day to recognize women’s struggles for equality and justice. Today’s society is much different then it was many years ago. It is not out of the ordinary for women to be in the workplace or to hold high positions within the field. However, these women can still be looked up to just as they were many years ago. Years ago, it took a lot of guts to walk into a workplace of primarily males. While today’s society may be different, we still have many reasons to look up to women.

In honor of the day, I began thinking about the past year and a handful of women who have reached their hand out when I needed it, offered words of wisdom, set an example for me to follow or just became the friend I needed at that time.

First, my mom. While we have had our arguments over the past year, she has stayed by my side. She has done everything in her power to help me in my recovery. She always encourages me to do what I desire which has helped me to find what I really want out of life.

My mentor, Kendra. I do not know where I would be today without you. You have taught me to find my voice and I’m learning to use it. Through your example, I have seen that there is life without my eating disorder, an exciting life at that. Without you, I don’t know if I would have ever found a reason to fight for myself instead of everyone else. You have taught me that I am worth more that I ever thought I was.

My sponsor, Bridget. From the first day I entered the doors, you kept telling me I needed to get a sponsor, but you let me do things in my time. Eventually I came around and from that day, my life has been different. I take responsibility for my actions, I keep my mouth shut when it needs to be shut (for the most part…), my relationship with God is present again, and I am finding happiness none of which would have been possible without you and your example.

Lindsay A- You stuck around when not many others did and for that I am forever grateful

Wendy- You went out of your way so many times for me. I can’t believe how much you put up with. You have shown me what true friendship is all about.

Lexi- My best friend. You are always there, no matter the distance.

Emily- You taught me how to laugh again. You brought me out of the shell I had been hiding in for so long. Thank you.

Jeanette- You constantly show me that the glass is half full. I am always amazed at your attitude about life and hope to have just half that outlook.

I am so blessed. I could keep going but for the sake of time and your eyes reading, I will stop. What women are you grateful for today?