"Be not afraid of life. Believe that life is worth living, and your belief will help create the fact." – William James

Sunday, December 30, 2012

New Year....the Real Me

Life is more then merely waking up, going to work, dreadfully eating each meal, trudging along until my head again hits the pillow. Life is full. I never dreamed that life, at least MY life, would be more then the previously mentioned. I was used to living by the clock. Alarm goes off. Wake up. 7:00 Breakfast. 9:00 snack (if I felt like it). 12:00 lunch. 3:00 snack. 5:00ish leave work. Then fit in dinner, meeting, a snack (ok let's be serious, sometimes a snack) before 10:00. It was as if an alarm would go off at each time, on the dot, and my robotic self would make its way toward the desired destination.  But that isn't the case any more. Yes, I still need an alarm, or two, or three, to wake me up, followed by a caffeinated beverage, but the rest of my day is so much more open, yet so much more full.
Freedom from self, freedom from bondage, freedom from the every day torture that I put on myself and thought I deserved. Freedom. Something I had only dreamed of, yet I never dreamed would be possible for me. I didn't deserve it, or so I thought. But this is far from true. I am worthy of love, worthy of compassion, worthy of a full life. I had to let myself experience this though to believe that I was worthy of it, to see that bad things wouldn't happen to me if I tried it. I learned who I was, who I wanted to be, what I enjoyed, what made me happy. Then I had to set aside the fear and actually be that person. Yes, setting aside the fear was and still is hard, but the freedom that comes from it is worth it. I no longer feel encapsulated by the strings that were trying to hold together the person I thought I should be. The person that society says is "normal."
As the new year approaches, I am striving to continue to learn more about the person I really am and growing to love that person. Instead of making resolutions that in the past have never been healthy, or have set me up for failure, I made a list of 10 things I want to accomplish/do by the end of the year (ex: go on a random weekend trip, go back to TK and speak, continue to learn to love myself, etc). Why should we make resolutions to change ourselves? Why not make goals to become more of who we really are?
What do you want to do in the next year to learn more about yourself and grow to love who you really are?

Thursday, May 10, 2012

The Beauty of Living

Walk in the Park this weekend with friends



It seems like only yesterday that I thought my world as I knew it was over. Partially, it was, but what I didn't know was the beauty of what was to come. Two years ago at this time, I was walking around the halls of a hospital, trying to manipulate every nurse that I could there. Making them believe I was an innocent girl who only wanted to do the right thing, until their backs were turned. I was angry at just about everyone, except the nurse that gave me medicine because at least that allowed me to numb out some. I was angry at my school's rules that I had to drop out for a year because of missing some of my rotation. I was angry that I couldn't leave the hospital until I agreed to residential treatment. I was angry that my parents now knew more of what was going on. Simply put, I was angry that I was alive.

Today, I write this after finishing my last day of physical therapy school classes, 1 day before my hooding ceremony and 2 days before I walk across the stage and graduate with my Doctor of Physical Therapy degree. This degree means more to me today then it ever meant 2 years ago. At that time, I was merely going through the motions, graduation was suppose to be a year away and it was just the "next step." It didn't really mean anything to me. You see, I wasn't living life then. I did what I had to do to get by. I studied, went to school, slept, ate (sometimes), numbed out however I could, and made sure my mask of happiness was always securely on. In the last 2 years, I have lived, truly lived, more then I had in the 6 years prior. Not only have I made accomplishments academically, but I have personally, mentally, and emotionally. I hate that I spent so much time in life stuck, not living, not experiencing, not loving, not truly laughing, but I'm SO glad that I'm able to do so now. What's holding you back from living?

Sunday, April 15, 2012

Truth or Lie

Recovery is a journey

Yesterday I got the random idea to go back and read old blogs from this time in 2010, aka the point in time where shit was hitting the fan, where life was becoming unmanageable, where I prayed each day for God to take me in my sleep. I was expecting to relive this horror a little through these readings, end up in tears, call my mentor and her ask me what the heck I was thinking when I went back to read them. First of all, there was 13 posts...13 in April alone! Apparently I was a writing fool while being a full time student. These writings included:

* a video of pictures showing why recovery is better then a life with Ed
* logs of my life in "recovery"
* talk about the "great strides" I had made
* info "following the guidelines" required for the prep/post colonoscopy I had done
* talk about relationships being better
* my desire to continue fighting
* many other positive, inspiring comments....

Who was I lying to? Others? Most definitely. Myself? Possibly. Did I really have myself convinced that everything was ok? Looking back now, I can see my life at this time from the outside. I can see it spinning out of control. I can see my depression, my misery, my giving up. However, I honestly think that at that time, I thought everything ok. I really was lying to myself as much as I was lying to everyone else. I put on such a mask that I had myself confused as to who was the real Jenn.

I'm so grateful that I don't have to lie to myself or other today. I am able to be myself and feel my emotions. When I'm feeling down, I'm ok with telling someone else that as I know they will not judge me. It's so much easier to just be myself then trying to keep 18 stories straight with who I told what to. Today I can say that I truly am grateful for recovery. Yes, I do still have my struggles, mostly with body image in particular, but I choose not to act on it these days. I do still have days that I choose sweat pants over jeans because yes, I'm not perfect and I'm still a work in progress, but that's ok. I haven't given up. I thankful for my willingness to put one foot in front of the other. Even if just for today. After all, today is what matters.

Saturday, April 7, 2012

Miracles

Easter Egg from 2 Years Ago

I've been thinking a lot lately, which at times is good and at others is bad, but what I wanted to write about was the miracle of the good. The gratefulness I have for my life today. It was nearly 2 years ago that my life really was hitting bottom, that I felt more comfortable in a hospital then I did in my own house, and that I prayed every night for God to take me in my sleep. However, on this Easter weekend, I am so grateful to say that I can see so many miracles in my life and not only in my recovery but in really living life. First, I am alive. Medically, I don't know how my body survived. Spiritually, I know that God is the only reason I'm here. He still has a plan for me.
Secondly, the most important thing to me that recovery has given me is the ability to form relationships with people again, and repair relationships that were broken. I am beginning to learn to trust people, which is something I never dreamed I could do again. That in itself is a miracle.
Third, I am able to feel emotions. Yes, I did say "Able To." Don't get me wrong, there are still many times that I want to feel numb, that I don't want to feel those "negative" emotions, however, having the ability to feels those today also gives me the ability to feel the positive ones. I can feel happy. I can enjoy myself. I can REALLY laugh. I don't have to wear that fake smile 24 hours a day. (Yes, I think I kept it on while sleeping just in case someone caught me). I have laughed so many times just today, it amazes me.
Forth, I can remember each day. I don't have to have people tell me what happened a week ago any more because I'm actually cognizant of what's happening to me and those around me. I had to look back at pictures from Easter 2 years ago to try and recall what happened. It's scary how much time I've lost, but I have so much to gain now.
Fifth, and lastly, I have a future today. I am able to live in the moment, but know that there is a greater plan for each moment. I am able to help other women through similar struggles as mine which is such a miracle. It reminds me of where I've been and keeps me working on myself to continue to better myself.  I have dreams, goals and ambitions. I don't want to die today. I want to live. I want to love. I want to sing and dance. I want to be me.