Embarking on a Journey

I am currently using Panera's WiFi, 30 minutes away from Timberline Knolls, where I will be starting residential treatment. So many thoughts are swarming around my head. All I can do is write to get them out...

Increased level of care, those words still ring in my mind. Words that came out of my therapists mouth less than 2 weeks ago. She was not going to see me on an outpatient basis until I had a

higher level of care. I've had 3 years of outpatient treatment, why now? Why is it that I seem to keep winding in a circle, watching the world pass around me, not able to make sense of my own reality. I was very angry when she first told me this, but now I'm hoping it will be a blessing in disguise. I am sick of this winding life. Sick of the every day battles that could be so much easier if Ed didn't have such a grip on me. Just the other day at a ballgame, my dad spent 30 minutes walking around with me until we found somewhere that I could eat, somewhere that Ed would allow. This is not how I want my life to be. I want to experience life, not watch it pass by. I want to live. I want to laugh, a real laugh, not just a small laugh that covers up the pain inside. I want to love: love myself and others.

I'm about to leave to finish the driving journey, only to start a new journey. One that brings me much anxiety but that I know God will hold me through. While it will be awhile before I'm back again, I will continue to believe, hope and trust that this journey will lead me to something greater, something more rich and more full. What can you do to show your believe, hope and trust in your life??

Being a Kid!

Today I took the opportunity to engage in my inner child. I love just spending time outdoors, doing the things I love. Playing on a swing set. Hula Hooping. Running around. Doing cartwheels. It reminds me of the times that I was young, the times I was free from the burdens I hold within me now. The times before I felt that I had to prove myself worth living, prove myself to be worthy of love, worthy of trust, and worthy of friendships. Life was much simplier then. It was fun. The little things didn't matter. In fact, it was the little things that brought us joy. The sound of the music playing on the ice cream truck as I ran quickly to my piggy bank. The bike rides around the neighborhood. The games of pick-up basketball or HORSE. Playing late night tag. Catching fireflies. Making "stew" out of grass, mud and anything else that we could find outside while playing "Little House on the Prairie" (I was always Laura). The little things are what life was made of. Life wasn't planned. It didn't have to be set in my calendar: "At 3:00 I will take some time for myself." I just did it. I would sit down and read just because I wanted to, not because it was time that I was "suppose" to spend for myself. So my challenge to myself this week, and to anyone that reads this. is to find those little moments in life that you do something for yourself, something that was unplanned. I would love to hear what you do!