"Be not afraid of life. Believe that life is worth living, and your belief will help create the fact." – William James

Monday, December 12, 2011

Overcoming Fear


From the time I was really young, I used to hide from my fears. The comfort of being under my bed, surrounded by my stuffed animals, on my pink carpet, in the darkness, always seemed to make everything bearable. As I got older, I would run away. Run to the woods behind our house. Or just outside to our backyard where I would cry with my dog. Or I'd just sprint down the street and back. The fear seemed to disappear, at least for the moment. However, it wasn't until recently that I realized that it never really disappeared. In fact, it always came back heavier. Making me feel heavier. And more scared.
Today my fears are much bigger then when I was younger. I fear relapse, abuse, moving, never finding love, never being comfortable in my own skin, gaining weight, not getting a good job, not being able to move back to NYC, etc. While in some aspects, these fears keep me grounded, at times they can become all encompassing. I have days I don't want to leave my room, or even my bed, because the outside world is just too scary. Or other times that I become so focus on body image in order to avoid thinking about what's really underneath, which is often one of my fears. Other days I'll bury myself in work in order to avoid my feelings, my thoughts and my phone. 
These past 5 months, while living in NYC, have been different though. Yes, I've had my fears, A LOT of them, but I've tried to act opposite of them.  I've lived in a city where my temptations stare me in the face constantly. Where fashion and the external appearance seems to be of upmost importance. When I first moved here, that's all I could focus on. I constantly compared myself to others. All I could see is what they had that I did not have. I lost focus of all the things in my life that I do have. The things I've been so freely given. The blessings I have. Before I knew it, I was in this place of thinking I was never going to be good enough, pretty enough, skinny enough, rich enough... to do anything. Fear of the future overwhelmed me. But what did I do? I kept stepping forward, as uncomfortable as it was. I kept speaking about my feelings, even though it wasn't always nice words. I asked for help. I didn't let my fears lead me into the darkness. 
This pattern is one that I'm sure I'll continue to have throughout my life, but I'm learning how to deal with it. Again this past week, I've had a lot of fear come over me as I again move to Wyoming for 5 months for another clinical. I'm scared to leave New York, a place that has become safe for me. A place that has become my home. However, I know its temporary. I know that I don't have to look at the whole picture either. I just have to stay in today. And enjoy today. Because today is all I have right now. Why should I be overtaken by fear and lose the one day I know I have? As my best friend always quoted "Today is a gift, that's why we call it the present." Cheesy, but true. 

Monday, July 11, 2011

Adios Ed, A Reflection



A year ago I wrote a Goodbye letter to Ed. Reading over this, I can feel the emotions that I felt when I wrote it. Remember the anxiety, the fear of giving up something so precious to me, yet so detrimental to my future, a future that I longed for. A part of me really did not want to say 'goodbye' but instead wanted to keep just a little hold on, even if only by a string. There was comfort in my disease. A security in knowing that if I felt unsafe, out of control, misunderstood, or ashamed that I could run back to my blanket and again feel protected.
I did not know that after writing that letter, I would have some big falls before I had my major turn of heart in December. I did not know I would drink many times before I decided that October 23rd would be the date that I would stay sober one day at a time. I did not know anything when I wrote that letter. But I did know one thing, I wanted a future and that is one thing that I still know today. However, there is one thing that is a little stronger today as well: I see that future unfolding. The future excites me more then it scares me. I know I will have some struggles, but I also know how I will deal with them. I don't hate the person I am today, I'm actually starting to like who I am.
So today's letter to Ed would be much shorter. It would simply say this:

Dear Ed,
Thank you for all that you have done in my life. It might seem odd to some that I am thanking you, but today I can see the blessings you have brought, or at least the blessings God has brought into my life because of you. I have learned who I am, what I want from life, what I value, and how to appreciate life.  While there are certain aspects I will probably always miss about you when it comes to body image, I'm not willing to trade anything to get those aspects back. So Ed, it's been a long, hard, roller-coaster ride, but I'm sorry my friend, I'm getting off. Adios!

Friday, May 27, 2011

Pushing through the Battle

Photo credit: Me!


I sometimes live within a double standard. I tell others to write or talk about their struggles but I find myself hiding in my own little world when I am struggling. I do talk to my sponsor, mentor, therapist, etc but I don't often share outside of those handful of people that I am struggling. I get this idea in my head that I have to be a strong statue of recovery. A warrior. Beating my battles. Not falling down. I forget what I tell my mentor all the time: that what I love about her is that she is real with me. She doesn't hide when she has her struggles. I am able to relate to her, feel that I can be honest with her, because I see her as a human being, not as a robot. 
So I have not written since I moved back to school. I knew this would be a tough transition but I did not realize to what extreme, or how I would need to brace myself. Things that I thought would be hard turned out to be easier and things I thought would be easy turned out to be hard. It goes to show that you never know what life will bring. While restricting has been a small problem, the biggest problem is my head space. I'm finding Ed lurking in every corner. Or even yet, the larger problem is that sometimes I don't even see him but he is there. I'm lucky in that I have others who are able to see him for me, not everyone has that. He gets in my head, picks my body apart, finds ways for me to avoid eating or just procrastinate eating. Slowly destroying any bit of confidence I had built up over the past year. Making me believe I am unworthy of the support I have, or the love I receive. Thoughts that isolation would be better off for everyone so that I don't cause pain for them. When I step back and look at my thoughts though, I can see that they are not mine. Those are thoughts of my disease. MY thoughts are ones of recovery, ones of life, hope, dreams and a future. So despite the discomfort, the tears during meals, the arguments on the phone, I keep pushing through. My RD may have given me permission to run X number of days this week, but I know deep down that if I do that many times, it's going to go straight to me head, especially since the last 3 weeks I haven't been able to run at all. So for my own recovery, for my own life, I will drop that number down because in the grand scheme of things, a couple weeks of running is not going to make a difference but a couple weeks of relapsing can take awhile to get out of and that's IF the relapse stops right away. I'm grateful to have people in my life to help me make these rational decisions. 
I was reminded yesterday of how bad my life was last year. I do NOT want to go back to that point. I will keep pushing through because no matter how hard the battle is, no matter how bad my day is today, my worst day today is still better then my best day a year ago. 

Why do you keep pushing through the battle? What helps you?

Friday, April 15, 2011

20 Lessons Learned


A lot has changed in the past year. It's been a roller coaster ride. Up, down, all around. Throughout all the chaos though, I've managed to come out with a lot of lessons learned and I thought I'd share 20 that I came up with today.


1. Don’t give up before the miracle happens: it’s more then just a quote I’ve heard a thousand times. It’s truly a motto I’ve learned to live from and something that has come true in my life. I’ve been so close to giving up on life and have given up on recovery at times but this past December, I was just about ready to give up on recovery yet again. My depression was just so bad, recovery was so hard, I didn’t know if I could do it. But I kept pressing forward and things started to change. My miracle happened and my turning point hit.

2. Always follow my mentor’s advice. There has yet to be a time that my reason to not follow it turned out to be reasonable and the right choice.

3. Alcohol does not fix problems, it only adds to them and changes your sobriety date.

4. Always bring 3 sizes of pants into the dressing room.

5. I truly am insane without my higher power.

6. I deserve forgiveness.

7. I really am not that special- Thanks to Thom Rutledge for that one!

8. I DESERVE recovery

9. The simple joys in life make it worth waking up every morning. These can be as small as doggy kisses, enjoying coffee with a friend, having a shoulder to cry on and actually feeling better for crying, noticing the colors of a sunset and feeling the sun on your face on a nice spring day.

10. I can survive without coffee. In fact, I now am not awake until I eat breakfast.

11. I can accept myself where I am. Afterall, I’m not going to move forward if I can’t accept where I am in the now first.

12. Peanut butter goes with everything! Ok, maybe not EVERYthing, but A LOT of things.

13. God is my strength and without Him, I would not be where I am today. I have to start and end my day with Him.

14. Feelings don’t kill, what you do to avoid feelings can.

15. It is possible to eat fast food as well as other meals out in one week, and not engage in other behaviors, and still not gain weight.

16. By nature, I am selfish and self-centered, but with God’s help, I can work to overcome these defects and become a more helpful person.

17. My perception of my body is truly skewed. What I see in the mirror is NOT reality no matter how many times Ed tries to tell me it is.

18. I’m ok with things not being perfect. Yes, it might still bother me at times, but overall, I actually like not feeling like I have to put so much pressure on myself all the time.

19. Having to take a leave from school for a year is not the end of the world. In fact, it has allowed me to gain my life back.

20. Others believe in me, and I believe others, therefore I can believe in myself.

Thursday, March 17, 2011

Is This Really Happening?!?


Someone please pinch me. I don’t think this life I’m living can really be mine. It’s too good to be true. It’s St. Patty’ day, I’m sober, I went to a St Patrick’s Day Parade, by myself and left sober after just missing my friends since they didn’t get there until just before I had to leave. I cried on my drive to meet up with a friend while talking to another friend about her recent relapse. I hurt me so much to know the pain she must be experiencing. Yet the hurt I felt did not cause me to drink, cut, to engage in ED. Instead I ate lunch with my friend even though she had already eaten. Then we went on a walk and laughed, real laughter. Later in the day I found myself craving frozen yogurt. A craving?!? Something I would have run from in the past if I experienced at all. I definitely wouldn’t have texted or set my facebook status in a way to find someone to go get fro yo with me. When I had almost lost all hope in finding someone, that same friend that I had hung out with earlier, whom I had met in IOP, said she would love to get frozen yogurt with me. So we hit it up. Three flavors, gummy bears, tapioca, and sprinkles later I felt good. Not anxious. Not guilty. But good. I was happy. We had eaten it together. Who would have thought that the two girls that rocked in the corner on the night of a meal challenge or that sat at Applebee’s crying through a meal would go out for frozen yogurt together for FUN and laugh and talk throughout it, not shake and stare off in space. After AA, I headed home to have corned beef and cabbage for dinner: the traditional St. Patrick’s Day dinner of which I have not participated in for awhile. On that drive home, I called both my sponsor and mentor either in tears or near tears, in awe. This is not the life I have lived. When did my life change? My sponsor said “It sounds like the effects of having a God in your life and using Him.” She could not be more than right. My mentor said to me “I told you one day it would just click. I believe today is your day.” Today is my click-day.

Wow. I am speechless. I wish I could explain to everyone what this feeling feels like. It is truly like nothing I have ever felt before. It’s like I have suddenly woke up from a deep sleep that I’ve been in for years. But the sky is bluer, the grass is greener, the jokes are funnier, relaxing is more restful and friendships are more meaningful. Everything is worth more to me. I appreciate every part of life a little more. God, I hope I’m not imaging this.

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

A Weekend of Reflection


This past weekend I attended a retreat in Nashville, TN put on by Thom Rutledge and Julie Merryman entitled Beyond Eating Disorders. This was my forth time attending this retreat with my first time having been exactly a year ago. I actually contemplated canceling coming to the retreat this time. I kept thinking that I didn’t need it, especially since my bank account is really running low as it is. However, something inside of me said to go and I’m sure glad I did.

I get something different out of every retreat just as I’ve always been in a very different place in my recovery: everywhere from a relapse to the strongest I’ve ever been. I cry during different times for different reasons, I feel pain at different parts, I am a different person. I spent much of the retreat reflecting on this thought: the differences in where I am now versus where I was a year ago. I came to one conclusion: I NEVER want to go backward.

During recent months, I have had a few hard days at a time that I forget how bad things used to be. Days that Ed’s voice becomes so enticing, that the positives of an eating disorder seem to outweigh the negatives. Yes, I did say positives of an eating disorder because yes, there are positives otherwise we wouldn’t keep it. For me, my ED gave me protection, security, a way to escape, minimize myself both physically and symbolically, a sense of control and confidence, and something that I felt I was good at. However, after this weekend’s reflection, I know that none of these things are enticing enough to bring me backwards. I have had too much of a taste of true recovery. Too much of a taste of life, of laughter, of fun, of freedom, of real relationships.

Recovery has given me the chance to do things such as not back out on plans with friends. I can go out to eat and order what I WANT off the menu versus what I think has the lowest number of calories. (And that’s if I even were to go out to eat at all). I can watch TV without having to do something else at the same time just so I am “productive.” I have real relationships with people. I can be myself. I can laugh, a real laugh, not a fake one! I can take time out of my schedule to help someone else, even if it wasn’t in my plan. I don’t have to be such a perfectionist. I get to truly be a part of my own life now instead of having it pass me by.

I am so grateful to have had this weekend to reflect on how my life has changed. I am so blessed for those in my life who have been a part of these changes. It has not been an easy journey at all and I still have a long way to go, but I know now that I don’t want to turn back. There is too much to look forward too, too much life to live, and too much to give.

Thursday, March 10, 2011

ABC's Who am I?

Thought I'd switch things up with a light hearted get to know me blog since I've added some new followers lately.

A = Age: 24, approaching 25. A kid at heart. But an older soul.

B = Bed Size: At my parents house its just a double, but I consider "MY bed" to be my bed at school where I'll be returning next month and it's a queen. I can't wait to go back to it. It's so comfy!

C = Chore you hate: I don't know that there's any chore I ENJOY, but the thing I hate the most is vacuuming the stairs. I swear the vacuum gets heavier throughout the process.

D = Dogs: My parent's dog, Wendy. I love her to death. She makes me smile every day.

E = Essential start to your day: Once I've decided I've hit snooze long enough, I get up and eat breakfast and check my emails while eating.

F = Favorite Color: I can't pick one. Purple and blue....today.

G = Gold or Silver: Silver.

H = Height: 5’6'... 5'7" on a good day if I got a lot of sleep and my vertebral discs really got filled up

I = Instruments you play: Flute and piccolo

J = Job title: Permanent Student

K = Kids: I think I have it pretty good right now...I get to play with other people's kids and return them. :)

L = Live: I have lived for 24 years...I've lived in St. Joseph, MO, Liberty MO, Kirksville MO, Omaha NE and for 3 weeks in both Cedar City UT and Dallas TX if that counts. I'm really excited to live in NYC this fall!

M = Mom’s name: Kathleen Elizabeth...or Kathy

N = Nickname: Jenn. Freshman year of college one girl called me Jenny from the Block when we were out. My brother calls me Jenny when he's trying to be cute, otherwise I will NOT respond to Jenny.

O = Overnight hospital stays: Several. 4 days when I broke my leg. I think I was just overnight once (well, multiple nights with that occurrence) from alcohol/benzos. Then another psych stay.

P = Pet peeve: bad grammar

Q = Quote from a movie: Finding Nemo-Dora "Just keep swimming"

R = Right or left-handed: Right handed. Left footed- at least with dance and gymnastics I was always stronger on my left. I kick a soccer ball right footed though. Weird.

S = Siblings: One brother. 21. One of my best friends.

T = Time you wake up: Its so varied right now....need to be back on a schedule!

U = Underwear: in my top drawer, on the right

V = Vegetables you dislike: I really like most vegetables. I do pick onions off of sandwiches though so I guess that will work.

W = What makes you run late: Forgetting to pack a snack and then remember as I'm about to walk out the door.

X = X-Rays you’ve had: Teeth. Ankle from spraining it many times. Foot when I tore ligaments pretty bad from slipping on the side of a pool. I couldn't put any weight on it. Many on my leg over a year period when I broke it. My back and neck at chiropractor. My back again checking to see what the tumors were but they followed up with a ultrasound and they're benign. CT scan/MRI of my head with concussions and migraines.

Y = Yummy foods you make: I've been slacking on cooking lately since I've been home but I've been told that my Apricot Chicken is good along with my family's Red Beans and Rice.

Z = Zoo favorite animal: Monkeys for sure!

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

International Women's Day



Today is International Women’s Day, a day to recognize women’s struggles for equality and justice. Today’s society is much different then it was many years ago. It is not out of the ordinary for women to be in the workplace or to hold high positions within the field. However, these women can still be looked up to just as they were many years ago. Years ago, it took a lot of guts to walk into a workplace of primarily males. While today’s society may be different, we still have many reasons to look up to women.

In honor of the day, I began thinking about the past year and a handful of women who have reached their hand out when I needed it, offered words of wisdom, set an example for me to follow or just became the friend I needed at that time.

First, my mom. While we have had our arguments over the past year, she has stayed by my side. She has done everything in her power to help me in my recovery. She always encourages me to do what I desire which has helped me to find what I really want out of life.

My mentor, Kendra. I do not know where I would be today without you. You have taught me to find my voice and I’m learning to use it. Through your example, I have seen that there is life without my eating disorder, an exciting life at that. Without you, I don’t know if I would have ever found a reason to fight for myself instead of everyone else. You have taught me that I am worth more that I ever thought I was.

My sponsor, Bridget. From the first day I entered the doors, you kept telling me I needed to get a sponsor, but you let me do things in my time. Eventually I came around and from that day, my life has been different. I take responsibility for my actions, I keep my mouth shut when it needs to be shut (for the most part…), my relationship with God is present again, and I am finding happiness none of which would have been possible without you and your example.

Lindsay A- You stuck around when not many others did and for that I am forever grateful

Wendy- You went out of your way so many times for me. I can’t believe how much you put up with. You have shown me what true friendship is all about.

Lexi- My best friend. You are always there, no matter the distance.

Emily- You taught me how to laugh again. You brought me out of the shell I had been hiding in for so long. Thank you.

Jeanette- You constantly show me that the glass is half full. I am always amazed at your attitude about life and hope to have just half that outlook.


I am so blessed. I could keep going but for the sake of time and your eyes reading, I will stop. What women are you grateful for today?

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

IOP Testimonial


I just wrote a little testimonial for my IOP program that I just graduated last week and I thought I'd share it with you all. I was in awe as I was thinking back to how much my life has changed over the past year. It's truly remarkable!

********************************************************************************

I walked into IOP scared, but excited to continue along the path of recovery I had already begun. Fresh out of residential treatment, I was on a recovery high, wanting to do everything to put my past behind me and move on with a new life. What I did not know was that the outside world, the world beyond the walls of the safe bubble built by residential treatment, was a difficult one. So difficult that I would soon come crashing down. While the crash took me by surprise, I was so glad to have the support of the women and staff in IOP.

I had many ups and downs during the time I was in IOP, but I learned from each fall and I made my way back up. Each time I spent down was a little bit less as the months passed. I started applying the tools I was learning and really listening to what I was being told. I accepted things where they were, but knew, deep down, I was worth more. So I started doing what I was told, not just listening to it. I put one foot in front of the other, no matter how difficult it was. I cried through meals. I felt the pain. I sat through anxiety. I started to have glimpses of happiness, times where I was not obsessing, moments that my mind was quiet. Those moments kept pushing me forward.

Looking back to the time I started IOP, it’s hard to believe that it has actually only been the amount of time that it has been. I am a completely different person to who I was the day I walked in those doors. I am no longer fearful the moment I wake up in the morning. I actually look forward to what the day has to bring. I can enjoy going out to eat with family and friends, something I never dreamed would be possible for me. I can exercise because I want to, not because I HAVE to. And if I don’t want to some day, that’s ok, I can lay around and relax. After meals, I can sit around the table and talk and laugh with my family. I can feel and talk about emotions. I no longer have to lie about where I’m going or what I’m doing. Best of all, I have a better sense of who I am and who I want to become.

Monday, January 31, 2011

I Hate Ed!



“Um I may not be at IOP any more,” a friend told me a couple days ago. After dropping weight a couple weeks in a row she came to a place I am all too familiar with. A place which involves a treatment team dropping you as a client. A place filled with confusion and pain. A place of sorrow and destruction. A place of isolation and loneliness, fear and dishonesty. A place I never hope to return to. A place that hurts to think about. That brings tears to my eyes even writing about.

Another friend messaged me a week ago telling me she had entered a local IP treatment recently again. While I am grateful she is getting the help she needs, I am frustrated that her eating disorder has again taken a hold of her life to the point that this was needed. I met this friend in residential treatment. A girl with a bubbly personality, vivacious, caring, a heart of gold, but a past that no one should have to deal with. It pains me to see how much her eating disorder has taken hold of her life knowing what amazing things she could bring to the world.

Yesterday I received another phone call from a close friend informing me that she had been in the hospital since Thursday. Her liver enzymes were at levels in which she was lucky to be alive. Her eating disorder has put her in situations multiple times where she has barely escapes death. I have cried myself to sleep many times wondering if she will be alive when I wake up the next day. Sadly I have had to set a boundary with her in the last 6 months making me unable to see her. My eating disorder competes with hers to the upmost extreme, comparing my sickness level constantly. I am always wondering whether she will die and I will have not seen her.

I hate eating disorders. I hate what they do to people physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. All they do is take. They never give. They are selfish. I want my friends back. I want them to experience at least some of the life I am grateful to be experiencing today. Some of the joy I feel. Some of the freedom I have found. I want to again laugh with them, enjoy days at the farmers market, random dance parties, or a coffee at Starbucks without having to talk about how to avoid a crisis with Ed. Life can be full of so much more. I originally felt selfish writing this message, saying that I want this, I want that but that’s not all this is about. I’m pissed. Eating Disorders are taking away the lives of some amazing friends/women. I’ve lived it. I understand. It’s not an easy battle. But it IS worth the fight. One day at a time is all you have to focus on. Don’t get caught up in the big picture, that’s what I did for too long. Just focus on the task at hand. Recovery IS possible. You CAN do it!


Photo from http://www.hungertorecover.com

Thursday, January 20, 2011

Thank You, but No Thanks

Dearest Ed,

I have written many letters to you. Goodbye letters. Hate letters. Love letters. Letters simply because I had to write them. Questioning letters. All of these served their purpose at their time, just as you have served your purpose in my life. That’s what this letter is about: to honor what you have done for me, but also to tell you, again, goodbye because this time, I really sincerely mean goodbye. I am letting go of you slowly. I don’t desire or need you like I used to, but we’ll get into that later.

Self confidence. This is something that I always lacked but pretended to have. My perfectionism allowed me to achieve high merits in all activities giving me a reason to appear confident. After all, why would a person with perfect grades, playing varsity athletics, have state honors in band, president of a club, etc. not feel confident? This wasn’t true though. Deep inside I was falling apart without you. I never felt good enough. Never smart enough. Pretty enough. Skinny enough. Fast enough. Outgoing enough. Then I found you. You promised me all of these things. All I had to do was follow what you said. I could follow orders. That was one thing I was good at. Before I knew it, I started to feel a false sense of confidence through others comments. Others told me I was skinny. They were “jealous.” I had a drive I hadn’t had before. I found something I was truly good at.

Control. There were times when I ran away from you. I saw where my life was going and I did get scared. For good reason. At those times, my life did seem to spin out of control. My grades dropped. Alcoholism got bad. I gained weight. I ran back to you. You gave me exactly what I needed.

Protection. This is the one that touches me the most. The one that I have held onto the hardest. The one that makes me afraid to give you up. One of those times that I gave you up was when I was sexually abused. For a long time I blamed it on the fact that I had gained weight and was more appealing to men. I never wanted to be that weight again. For many years I refused to hit that number. If I ever got close, I would relapse, harder and harder each time. There came a point though when I realized that you were no longer protecting me. My mom told me that my family was worried about whether I would live or die. That is not protection. I can no longer rely on you for this, for if I do, I will die. My faith in God is what will protect me.

You have done a lot for me Ed. You really have. However, you have taken away more. I am rebuilding my relationship and trust with my family. I have to reorganize my school/career plans. My family and myself have medical/treatment bills coming out of our ears. I lost many friends. You have outstayed your welcome and I am ready to move on. I have life awaiting me. Last weekend I played with my little cousin. She’s only 5 years old. As we played, she did not judge me on my weight or how skinny I was. She did not care. She was simply thrilled to have someone to play with. We laughed together. We were carefree. You were not a part of that interaction and it felt great. Every moment I have without you now feels free. Before it felt lonely and anxiety provoking, but now I feel a sense of freedom. I feel like myself again. I am ready to be me. To experience life. To laugh. To dream. To explore. To fall. To get back up. I am ready to live.

Love, Jenn

Saturday, January 1, 2011

Clean Slate




10....9....8....7....6....

As we counted down last night, my stomach was turning. Not with excitement of a new year but with anger. 2011. A year I had been looking forward to for quite some time but for the past week, I had suddenly started resenting the year. 2011 was the year I was "suppose to" graduate from PT school, move to Cali, get a job I loved, and start really living MY life but as the end of 2010 came to a close I looked at what I was doing with my life and it was not at all close to that picture. I am not graduating in 2011, I have had to stop school and move in with my parents in Kansas City after treatment, I'm still in therapy many days of the week, if not in therapy, I'm at AA meetings (which don't get my wrong, I love the friends I've made there and wouldn't trade them for the world) and I don't feel like I'm living the life I want at all right now.

5....4....3...2...1....

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

So I could choose to sit in self-pity? Crying to myself about how my life sucks right now. But instead, I am choosing to look at 2011 as a clean slate. This is a new year with new opportunities. I get the chance to go back to school in April if I work my butt off between now and then. This is something to look forward to, not take for granted. I get to shape my future how I want it to be, while in recovery. I mean, how awesome is that! Ya, it's hard work, but a future in recovery is a lot less miserable then a future in my eating disorder, or a future using some type of substance. It all begins today, with this clean slate. I get to paint on it however I feel. And it's ok to mess up every once in awhile. It's all a part of the process. Two of the biggest lessons I learned in 2010 are 1). I'm not invisible and 2). I can pick myself up when I fall. I will take those two lessons with me into this year along with acceptance, self forgiveness and willingness.