Thank You, but No Thanks

Dearest Ed,

I have written many letters to you. Goodbye letters. Hate letters. Love letters. Letters simply because I had to write them. Questioning letters. All of these served their purpose at their time, just as you have served your purpose in my life. That’s what this letter is about: to honor what you have done for me, but also to tell you, again, goodbye because this time, I really sincerely mean goodbye. I am letting go of you slowly. I don’t desire or need you like I used to, but we’ll get into that later.

Self confidence. This is something that I always lacked but pretended to have. My perfectionism allowed me to achieve high merits in all activities giving me a reason to appear confident. After all, why would a person with perfect grades, playing varsity athletics, have state honors in band, president of a club, etc. not feel confident? This wasn’t true though. Deep inside I was falling apart without you. I never felt good enough. Never smart enough. Pretty enough. Skinny enough. Fast enough. Outgoing enough. Then I found you. You promised me all of these things. All I had to do was follow what you said. I could follow orders. That was one thing I was good at. Before I knew it, I started to feel a false sense of confidence through others comments. Others told me I was skinny. They were “jealous.” I had a drive I hadn’t had before. I found something I was truly good at.

Control. There were times when I ran away from you. I saw where my life was going and I did get scared. For good reason. At those times, my life did seem to spin out of control. My grades dropped. Alcoholism got bad. I gained weight. I ran back to you. You gave me exactly what I needed.

Protection. This is the one that touches me the most. The one that I have held onto the hardest. The one that makes me afraid to give you up. One of those times that I gave you up was when I was sexually abused. For a long time I blamed it on the fact that I had gained weight and was more appealing to men. I never wanted to be that weight again. For many years I refused to hit that number. If I ever got close, I would relapse, harder and harder each time. There came a point though when I realized that you were no longer protecting me. My mom told me that my family was worried about whether I would live or die. That is not protection. I can no longer rely on you for this, for if I do, I will die. My faith in God is what will protect me.

You have done a lot for me Ed. You really have. However, you have taken away more. I am rebuilding my relationship and trust with my family. I have to reorganize my school/career plans. My family and myself have medical/treatment bills coming out of our ears. I lost many friends. You have outstayed your welcome and I am ready to move on. I have life awaiting me. Last weekend I played with my little cousin. She’s only 5 years old. As we played, she did not judge me on my weight or how skinny I was. She did not care. She was simply thrilled to have someone to play with. We laughed together. We were carefree. You were not a part of that interaction and it felt great. Every moment I have without you now feels free. Before it felt lonely and anxiety provoking, but now I feel a sense of freedom. I feel like myself again. I am ready to be me. To experience life. To laugh. To dream. To explore. To fall. To get back up. I am ready to live.

Love, Jenn