“Um I may not be at IOP any more,” a friend told me a couple days ago. After dropping weight a couple weeks in a row she came to a place I am all too familiar with. A place which involves a treatment team dropping you as a client. A place filled with confusion and pain. A place of sorrow and destruction. A place of isolation and loneliness, fear and dishonesty. A place I never hope to return to. A place that hurts to think about. That brings tears to my eyes even writing about.
Another friend messaged me a week ago telling me she had entered a local IP treatment recently again. While I am grateful she is getting the help she needs, I am frustrated that her eating disorder has again taken a hold of her life to the point that this was needed. I met this friend in residential treatment. A girl with a bubbly personality, vivacious, caring, a heart of gold, but a past that no one should have to deal with. It pains me to see how much her eating disorder has taken hold of her life knowing what amazing things she could bring to the world.
Yesterday I received another phone call from a close friend informing me that she had been in the hospital since Thursday. Her liver enzymes were at levels in which she was lucky to be alive. Her eating disorder has put her in situations multiple times where she has barely escapes death. I have cried myself to sleep many times wondering if she will be alive when I wake up the next day. Sadly I have had to set a boundary with her in the last 6 months making me unable to see her. My eating disorder competes with hers to the upmost extreme, comparing my sickness level constantly. I am always wondering whether she will die and I will have not seen her.
I hate eating disorders. I hate what they do to people physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. All they do is take. They never give. They are selfish. I want my friends back. I want them to experience at least some of the life I am grateful to be experiencing today. Some of the joy I feel. Some of the freedom I have found. I want to again laugh with them, enjoy days at the farmers market, random dance parties, or a coffee at Starbucks without having to talk about how to avoid a crisis with Ed. Life can be full of so much more. I originally felt selfish writing this message, saying that I want this, I want that but that’s not all this is about. I’m pissed. Eating Disorders are taking away the lives of some amazing friends/women. I’ve lived it. I understand. It’s not an easy battle. But it IS worth the fight. One day at a time is all you have to focus on. Don’t get caught up in the big picture, that’s what I did for too long. Just focus on the task at hand. Recovery IS possible. You CAN do it!
Jenn it is sad but true to say that I understand what you are going through. But I am on the other side in some ways. I do HATE ED so bad. I hate the hold that he has on my life and those I see around me. I want you to know that the other side is my treatment team is doing just what your friend's is. I am scared. But for me I am seeing it as motivation. You see they have not given up nor told me they are letting me go. They are simply telling me that if I do not improve I must do IP. This is so scary to think about and even write done. This is the first time I have written it since I herd them tell me it a week ago. I am staying motivated. JUst as you say Recovery is possible, I do believe that. I just did not realize the work that was going into it!!
ReplyDeleteYou are amazing and I am praying for you. I'm praying for your friends!!! Stay positive!! Keep kicking ED's butt as you have been doing!! I love reading your blog so much!!
Ashley
Ashley- Keep that motivation you have going. Use it as a weapon against Ed. You are right...it is SCARY as hell! IP was threatened upon me many times and I never took it seriously until it finally really happened. If you use the threat as a motivation and do what your team is asking you to do then it sounds like you may be able to avoid it. I wish you the best. One step at a time hun! One foot in front of the other! Keep reaching out...that's the only way I get through the hard stuff.
ReplyDeleteI feel like any one of those friends could be me. I got kicked out of IOP because I chose to be with my husband for Thanksgiving and to go home for Christmas. And I am struggling. And I am pissed at ED, too. And I am pissed at myself for feeling weak. So, thank you for your words to remind me that we may struggle, but we can use that energy to fight!
ReplyDeleteYOU yourself are not weak Michelle. Your eating disorder tells you that you are. Put that anger where it belong. Take care.
ReplyDeleteAll of you ladies deserve to be rid of ed and his cheap shots. As Jennifer's dad, I can say that we have shared some rough times and our family wondered when we would get our loving daugher/sister/grandaughter/niece back. None of us ever gave up hope and always let her know that we were there with her and that there is power in numbers that ed could not withstand. All of you can break free from the grip that ed has on you currently and realize the beauty that a healthy lifestyle brings.
ReplyDeleteWhenever we had/have a challenging moment I always remind Jennifer of the song "What Faith Can Do", by Cutlas. I suggest you listen to it and really pay attention to the lyrics. I think they will give you strength to continue your fight and kick this creep in the butt, or any other part of the anatomy you wish to target!
You might have noticed that I don't capitalize ed when I write about it. That's because ed doesn't deserve the respect of having it's identy in capital letters. That is reserved only for those of beauty, so Ashley, Michelle and Jenn(ifer), here's to you and beauty that you have inside. .....So much stronger, stronger than you know...........
I love you Daddy!
ReplyDeleteThank you Jenn and her Dad!!! Sir you have a great point on not giving ed the capital letters because the caps have just not been earned!! i have not really thought that through. Jenn you are sweet and I enjoy what you have to say. Stay WARM!! This storm sucks!!
ReplyDeleteJenn I can completely understand where you are coming from and I can also understand where your friends are coming from. But mainly I can see the frustration. I am there right now too. I have gotten a lot of bad news lately about friends that have been out of CFC from IOP or even still there that have been really struggling or friends who are wanting to just give in and quit and not fight. It is hard.
ReplyDeleteTHERE IS HOPE! REcovery is so worth it. I remember even just a year ago I was to the point where I was on the edge and I wanted it and was fighting but was about to break. IT does take time. It is worth it. Fall down seven times stand up 8.
I am glad I am to the point where I am proud to say I will not use food or exercise to control my weight because I accept my body at its natural size. Ed sucks. I am pissed at him too and praying for all who suffer. I am grateful for where I am today but wouldn't be without all the hard work. You get out of recovery what you put in. No one does the work for you...it would be too easy then. But we can do this together.
Devyn- I'm so glad you're in such a better place now Devyn! I can't wait to see you in March!
ReplyDelete