"Be not afraid of life. Believe that life is worth living, and your belief will help create the fact." – William James

Thursday, March 17, 2011

Is This Really Happening?!?


Someone please pinch me. I don’t think this life I’m living can really be mine. It’s too good to be true. It’s St. Patty’ day, I’m sober, I went to a St Patrick’s Day Parade, by myself and left sober after just missing my friends since they didn’t get there until just before I had to leave. I cried on my drive to meet up with a friend while talking to another friend about her recent relapse. I hurt me so much to know the pain she must be experiencing. Yet the hurt I felt did not cause me to drink, cut, to engage in ED. Instead I ate lunch with my friend even though she had already eaten. Then we went on a walk and laughed, real laughter. Later in the day I found myself craving frozen yogurt. A craving?!? Something I would have run from in the past if I experienced at all. I definitely wouldn’t have texted or set my facebook status in a way to find someone to go get fro yo with me. When I had almost lost all hope in finding someone, that same friend that I had hung out with earlier, whom I had met in IOP, said she would love to get frozen yogurt with me. So we hit it up. Three flavors, gummy bears, tapioca, and sprinkles later I felt good. Not anxious. Not guilty. But good. I was happy. We had eaten it together. Who would have thought that the two girls that rocked in the corner on the night of a meal challenge or that sat at Applebee’s crying through a meal would go out for frozen yogurt together for FUN and laugh and talk throughout it, not shake and stare off in space. After AA, I headed home to have corned beef and cabbage for dinner: the traditional St. Patrick’s Day dinner of which I have not participated in for awhile. On that drive home, I called both my sponsor and mentor either in tears or near tears, in awe. This is not the life I have lived. When did my life change? My sponsor said “It sounds like the effects of having a God in your life and using Him.” She could not be more than right. My mentor said to me “I told you one day it would just click. I believe today is your day.” Today is my click-day.

Wow. I am speechless. I wish I could explain to everyone what this feeling feels like. It is truly like nothing I have ever felt before. It’s like I have suddenly woke up from a deep sleep that I’ve been in for years. But the sky is bluer, the grass is greener, the jokes are funnier, relaxing is more restful and friendships are more meaningful. Everything is worth more to me. I appreciate every part of life a little more. God, I hope I’m not imaging this.

5 comments:

  1. This is so lovely to read and it's such AMAZING news! I can't say how happy I am for you. I've followed you on Twitter, and checked in on your blog often too. I know that you've had a rocky few months too. It was only the end of last year when you were feeling all this was totally impossible. This is truly magnificent. Really, from one who is going the the EXACT same thing, my click-day came Sunday. how wierd that you can feel like part of your life is so changed on one single day, for all the years it's taken to get there?! Trust it, love it and let it happen. May this be the beginning of glorious things for you. Love always. @icedgem27

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  2. You are AMAZING! I love you, I love that God put you in my life and that He brought us together again at such important moments. You've continued to be an inspiration to me even when you've struggled. Recovery is about getting up and continuing down the path, you do that beautifully. Someday that struggle will hopefully become few and far between, and the rebound even quicker. You've done so well lately, I can definitely say that I believe in you going back next month. Chin up!

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  3. How lovely, Jenn!!! I can't wait for you to visit tomorrow! :)

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  4. I know I have told you this via text, email, a million phone calls,etc but this cannot be said enough. I AM SO PROUD OF YOU. I cried when I first read this and again reading this time. It has been an absolutely amazing journey and I am honored to be a part of it. You show recovery absolutely IS possible. You may not have believed this a year ago, but you had trust in me and your sponsor the entire time. You may have fought, kicked, screamed, stomped your feet, but you never didn't trust us leading you to the light. You are amazing, and I just love you so much. This is why I do what I do. It is amazing to give back in recovery and be able to watch these journeys. Love you a lot. xoxo

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  5. wow. i got all teary-eyed while reading this. congratulations. you so deserve all of the amazing things coming your way.

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