Goodbye Ed

Dear Ed and all your cohorts,

I have had this screen pulled up on my computer for 3 days now, staring at the white page hoping the words would magically come. Praying that maybe I would magically wake up one morning and feel better about saying “goodbye” to you. But alas, that morning has not come. I still tremble in fear wondering what my life would ever be like without you. Yes there are all the wonderful things: freedom from body obsession and food, more fun, better relationships, closer to God, more energy, less lies or anxiety, being a better PT and having a family some day. All these things sound wonderful yet there is still a part of me that is afraid to give up the comfort, control, self-confidence, pride, worth, structure and the reliable friend you seem to be. That quick release of anxiety is addicting. However, I have to keep in mind the guilt and shame that follows. Nothing good comes from you in the long run.

You have taken away so much of my life, time that I cannot regain. I cannot take back my undergrad years, or the summer before college, or my first two years of graduate school. The longer I hold onto you, the more time I am throwing away. I never know what the day will bring, what miracles will happen, and I don’t want to miss out on any more. You make me robotic, dead to the world, merely a body walking around without a purpose. I know God has a purpose for me, a purpose that I want to follow out. I know longer wish to spend multiple days in the hospital throughout a semester. Yes, I’ve been fortunate that my teachers are understanding, but I cannot rely on that forever. I don’t wish to wake up feeling hung-over from the night before from either overdosing on meds or alcohol. You will ultimately take my life if I allow you too. I can’t have a small portion of you in my life. Sometimes I wish I could, but I know in my heart that it doesn’t work out that way.

This is why I have to tell you goodbye. I want my life back. I want all those positive things that I can have without you. It will be hard and there will probably be times that I try coming back to you out of fear and anxiety, but I know God will help me through those times. He will show me things to remind me of why I want a life with Him and not with you. He never fails me. You do. I cannot have the both of you. One gives me life and the other takes. And I want to live. So goodbye Ed, you are no longer welcome.

Dear Lord, Please help me live up my end of this letter. Give me the willingness and desire to take it one step at a time, focusing on what I will gain in a life with you instead of with Ed. Thank you.

Sincerely,

Jenn