Freedom

Freedom. This word carries so much power. An array of emotions and dreams. Freedom: what does this truly mean? I have had moments in my life where I thought I was experiencing freedom at the time, but looking back, I was really a prisoner. I had a fictitious thought of freedom when I had substances in me. I thought I could do anything, be anything, accomplish anything, ignore anything. But boy was I wrong. I could do anything, but the consequences always came with it. Same with my eating disorder. Restricting gave me a false sense of control. I thought I was all powerful. But reality was that I was not. Instead, I was a prisoner, entrapped within the world of disease, shame, and guilt.

You see, all these times that I thought I had freedom or control were not a reality. I was lying to myself. Now I long for true freedom. I have had glimpses of it, slight tastes. Whenever I'm playing with kids, I experience so much joy. Whenever I'm working as a physical therapist (student), I am able to get out of my head and be in the moment. I love painting and walking around with my camera, posed and ready for any moment to be captured. I've had times of enjoying new foods. Times that I've been proud of myself for turning the car around when I was about to buy alcohol (now that's a real sense of control). Other instances I have engaged in my inner child and played on a swingset, or hula hooped at the park with friends. Now all these are glimpses of freedom, time outside my head and in the world. Glimpses of a life without the disease plaguing my every thought. I long for more times like these. And I trust others when they say it will get easier. One day at a time, one moment at a time, I am looking forward to more free days.

What does freedom look like for you?