Beginning a New Journey

I arrived at Timberline Knolls on May 17, lost, hurting sick and unsure of who I as or what I was searching for. Trembling, I signed the paperwork hoping that I had made the right decision. The relapse of my eating disorder that brought me to TK was worse than any relapse I had previously experienced. Pills and alcohol were added to my already deep rooted eating disorder.

After signing the paperwork, I made the walk from the administration building to the newly remodeled Maple

Lodge. I was greeted with an enthusiastic "Hi! Welcome to Maple" from who would become one of my most supportive BHSs. The rest of the evening was nerve racking: my first meal at TK, questioning whether I really needed to be here and meeting new people. LIttle did I know that some of those women I met on my first night would become some of my best and most trusted friends.

The next several days were filled with intake appointments, meeting my treatment team and adjusting to the schedule. The first week is a blur. I went through the motions but really struggled with whether I wanted to change or not. However, sometime in the next two months, things started to shift. While fear often overwhelmed me, I wanted to find the willingness to change. I needed to reach out for support from God to do so thought. Did I really want to let go of everything? It wasn't until about 5-6 weeks into my stay that I was able to honestly say "yes!" Praying for acceptance, working on being more gentle with myself, and challenging myself with meals, I started to see changes.

It was one day at Overeaters Anonymous that my eyes were opened to progress I had made. After reading "Acceptance was the Answer" in AA's Big Book, I looked back to my thoughts I had experienced when I read it previously. Before, acceptance was merely a dream that did not seem achievable as my perfectionism was constantly in the way. However, upon reading it the second time I began to recall times of acceptance over the past week. Times I had given into urges but not beat myself up, but instead got back on the saddle. Times I have accepted where I'm at in my recovery without saying "I should be better." Again, after doing a body racing in my last week, I saw improvements. I was able to pick out more good qualities of my personality than the lies my disease had told me for so many years, something I never thought I'd be able to do.

Today, I am back in my hometown. While I'm nervous to be out in the "real world," I'm exited to start a new leg of my recovery. I have truly began to gain my life back. I feel dreams may actually be accomplished. I have hope and a desire to live. TK has truly saved my life and I will always be eternally grateful.