Increased level of care, those words still ring in my mind. Words that came out of my therapists mouth less than 2 weeks ago. She was not going to see me on an outpatient basis until I had a
higher level of care. I've had 3 years of outpatient treatment, why now? Why is it that I seem to keep winding in a circle, watching the world pass around me, not able to make sense of my own reality. I was very angry when she first told me this, but now I'm hoping it will be a blessing in disguise. I am sick of this winding life. Sick of the every day battles that could be so much easier if Ed didn't have such a grip on me. Just the other day at a ballgame, my dad spent 30 minutes walking around with me until we found somewhere that I could eat, somewhere that Ed would allow. This is not how I want my life to be. I want to experience life, not watch it pass by. I want to live. I want to laugh, a real laugh, not just a small laugh that covers up the pain inside. I want to love: love myself and others.
I'm about to leave to finish the driving journey, only to start a new journey. One that brings me much anxiety but that I know God will hold me through. While it will be awhile before I'm back again, I will continue to believe, hope and trust that this journey will lead me to something greater, something more rich and more full. What can you do to show your believe, hope and trust in your life??
I am so proud of you. I cant wait to send you mail! I think you are an amazing person and will think of you everyday! Thank you for texting me up until the moment you had to shut your phone off. You are a fighter and I believe in you!
ReplyDeleteHi jennifer,
ReplyDeleteYou don't know me, I'm a friend of Kendra's. I'm rooting for you! It's beautiful that you blog about this. You have no idea who you may help out there fighting a similar fight. There's something amazing about knowing there are others out there who understand us....and support us too.
Keep fighting,
Andrea
Jenn~I know how hard entering treatment can be, but I am proud of you for taking this step. I admire your positive attitude and know that you will do great. Not every day will be easy, but every day will be worth it in the end.
ReplyDeleteCan you pm me your address there?
Jodi Lynn Hessing
I know you probably won't see this until you are done with your program, but I wanted to tell you how much I related to your post. My therapist uttered those words "increased level of care" and I burst out into tears of anxiety and then of relief. I'm hoping that IOP will be okay for now, but I have agreed to go into a partial program, if they deem necessary. I'll be thinking about you and missing you from MC. Have an amazing journey.
ReplyDelete~Sara
Jen- have your address and will try to write in the mist of all of this crayness. I have you on my pray list in my room. It means so much to go off and so hard at the same time. My prays and thouhgts with you...
ReplyDelete*ashley*