Blame...on ME?!?

I was sitting at an AA meeting at noon today. It was a topic meeting. The lady that introduced the topic talked about all kinds of things that I could relate to, but one stood out to me more than others: Blame. This past weekend, I was planning to go to Chicago for Alumni Day at Timberline Knolls, the residential treatment facility I went to. I was excited to staff, maybe instill some hope on the residents, but most of all, excited to see my best friend from treatment, Emily.

First it was my parents to voice their opinions about my best interests...aka they didn't agree with me going due to recent actions and lack of control over them. So I decided at this time, after talking to my mentor and seeing that she agreed with them, that I would shorten my trip to only 2 days/only 1 day overnight. Yes, I was staying in a hotel by myself, but I would be ok. I would just attend a meeting Friday night to keep myself in the right mindset. I would leave my credit card at home. I wouldn't bring anything with me I could easily cut with. I was finding everything to convince myself that I would be ok. I canceled the second day at the hotel and for a couple days, thought that would be my plan.

The day before I was suppose to go, I talked with girls at IOP along with the therapist. I suddenly got a reaction "You're staying alone?!?" I guess it was a big deal with everyone's reactions. I really couldn't be trusted on my own. It was again highly suggested that I didn't go. Right then and there, I picked up my phone and called to cancel the hotel reservation entirely. I made the decision not to go, with a lot of pushes behind me.

On Friday, the day I was suppose to leave, I was very depressed. I moped a

round the house. Ate, slept, ate, slept...that's all I could do. I didn't have any energy. I just wanted to disappear. For once I wasn't blaming others. I saw that the situation was my own fault and I was upset about that. However, I could not change the past. With a little motivation from my lovely mentor, I decided to finally get out of bed and do something productive. I had a nice break outside then moved on with my day. As stated, I cannot change the past, however, I can make my future. I can learn from this. My actions do have consequences. I can continue to act the way I have been lately, or I can turn things around so I don't miss out on more opportunities in the future. Life is truly a gift. In my disease, these gifts are not realized. I choose to live. I choose to enjoy these moments. I choose to recover.