Glimpses of Freedom

Yesterday I felt a bit of freedom. That glimpse of light. I felt free, and boy did it feel good! I wanted to write about this last night, but after not getting home until 1:30 and having (yes, HAVING) to upload pictures, I decided I needed to hit the hay. The day started out shopping with my second mom, friend, and fellow Renew group member. We had the same therapist at Renew and had to buy her a gift for her baby due in the next month, plus of course some good retail therapy coupled with laughter and stories. I was actually able to shop, grab two sizes not knowing which would fit me best, and pick out the one that did, not beating myself up if it was not the smaller of the two. I remember doing this at times in the past and if the smaller size did not fit me, I would refuse to buy it period and probably stomp out of the store like a 4 year old who had just gotten her favorite toy taken away. For once I felt free from the thought that I was only worthy of a new pair of jeans, or a new shirt if the smallest size fit me, with room to spare.

Following that, I went and grabbed some groceries to take home and ate some lunch before heading over to my grandparents house to visit with them. On my drive home, I was talking with a friend of mine whom attended the Beyond Eating Disorders retreat in March. We were both talking about what freedom we were experiencing now in comparison to then. She said that she really did not feel that Ed had any hold on her any more and that she felt that she was able to eat whatever she wanted and exercise freely without Ed’s nasty thoughts bringing her down. This idea just made my jaw drop. I long to have that feeling as well. While I have made tremendous strides in the past month since the retreat, I cannot yet say that I feel free, yet I do feel that I am in more control. Yes, ME. Not the fake control that Ed convinces me that I have when I am listening to him. I am the one making the final decisions. In fact, I made a decision to eat a major fear food after leaving my grandparents house for the first time in years. And guess what, it was delicious, I didn’t even spontaneously combust like my mind told me I would.

After surviving the experience of the fear food, I went to City Market to meet up with another friend. We walked around, looking for fresh produce, spices and of course went in our favorite place: The Nut House. Well, that’s what we like to call it. It’s a middle eastern shop with a ton of different types of nuts and dried fruit. I love tasting new ones that I haven’t had before. I remember the first time I went there. I was counting every nut I ate to make sure to log it later, but yesterday I did not care. I tasted, and I ate some that I bought as well. Not keeping track. Again, experiencing freedom from a number that was not going to rule me!

Then came the spontaneous part of the day. Just a week prior, I had found out that my prior mentee was visiting a nearby school where she would be attending college in the fall. So I made the last minute decision to go down and visit her and attend the African Opera that would be held that night. So that was victory number 1 of the trip to Nevada, MO: just deciding to make 2 hour trip, last minute, without having planned it a month in advance, and inviting a mutual friend of ours to come as well. After raiding my friend’s closet when I went to pick her up in order to find a dress to wear for the night, it was decided that I needed some heels, not the flip flops I was wear. Good thing the Plaza was nearby where I could run into ALDO and buy a new pair of heels before heading off. Spontaneous decision numero dos.

After the heels were bought and my friend could now approve of my outfit (ok only joking, slightly), we were on our way to the thriving metropolis of Nevada, MO. Well, somewhat. First we had to stop at Panera to grab dinner, then get lost trying to find a gas station that my GPS told me was only .2 miles away but EVENTUALLY we were on our way. We passed some cows, many carpet outlets (who needs that much carpet for the run down barns, I’m not sure!), lots of nothing, and a little bit more of nothing. But the drive was filled with a lot of laughter, near choking experiences while taking a drink and laughing at the same time, and good music. We finally arrived to Cottey College where we attacked our friend with giant hugs, causing the people behind us at the door to have to wait. Finally, we got to meet face to face and I was filled with joy! You see, I was suppose to meet her about a month and a half ago but my relapse kept me from doing so. Ed truly does take, and recovery truly does give! Cheryl is right on with that quote!

We had a night filled with an African Opera, which we could definitely relate to our recovery and the King’s evil ways (Ed) to deceive his kingdom. Yet with the support of those around her, the main character was able to prevail and be true to herself and gain more out of life then she probably ever dreamed. Talk about recovery all in a two act play. The music and dancing were great but most importantly was the company I had. I just so much enjoyed the entire night, even the drive home in the dark (I get scared driving in the dark in the middle of nowhere). The spontaneous, random pictures afterward of course were a blast! I was present in the moment the majority of the night. I was able to enjoy the company around me and I felt loved. I felt life, freedom, and that glimpse of hope of something greater.