Weekends

Weekends seem to bring upon a sense of quietness. This could be taken as a good thing, but sometimes it turns bad. The quietness becomes emptiness and loneliness. Ed wants to creep in and tell me how he can be my friend during this time. Oh what a nice friend... WAKE UP Jennifer! This so called friend also will yell at you, becoming your drill sergeant, making you his slave. This is NO friend. Today has been a reminder of how the weekends can be if I listen to him. I slept in this morning. Something that would normally cause me to skip breakfast. But I didn't. I still ate. I was a little behind though so when I went to lunch with a youth member, I got a little more then I normally would. Full sandwich verses half. Then I came down with a migraine. I worked through it for awhile so I could get one paper finished (or at least my portion of it). But by the end of that, I could no longer look at light, I felt nauseous, and my head was pounding. Great! This was just what Ed could have used in my past to throw the day down the drain. I mean, heaven forbid I got a headache, something completely out of my control. So I decided to take care of myself and nap until I needed to get ready for our annual banquet for school. I set my alarm to get up for that and when I woke up, if anything, I felt worse. Instantly Ed was happy because I could skip dinner there. I didn't want to do that though. I wanted to go against what he said. So I tried to sit up then felt like I was going to throw up so lay back down I did. Instantly I started thinking "Oh no. If I don't show up, that's just going to be another way for people to think that I'm isolating and not being a part of social situations." Then I heard a little voice in my head saying "What others think of me is none of my business." I needed to take care of myself at this time. So I went back to sleep, woke up later feeling a little better and ate some dinner, responded to emails and sent a few more out. Now I'm getting ready to head back to bed again. I slept for about 5 hours during the day. Ed doesn't like it. But you know what, I don't care. He can be as mad as he wants. Others can think whatever they want to think about me. I know that I was taking care of myself. Something that I'm just learning how to do and tomorrow my body will thank me.

So while this could have been a feeling of emptiness and loneliness today, it wasn't. At times those feelings snuck in, but I then connected with others and realized that I'm not alone. And on top of that, I always have God.

In conclusion, weekends don't have to be a way for Ed to creep in. They don't have to be this "unstructured, lonely time" that I always thought they were. They can be embraced. Used as time to take care of yourself. Extra time to relax, catch up on work, do something you enjoy, talk with friends, and just be in the moment. For it is only this moment that matters. We never know what tomorrow will bring and we can't change that. But we do have a choice as to what we make of this moment.