Our minds are a funny thing. From running on autopilot, to a small song or occasion making us remember a specific memory, its all quite amazing. Sometimes this amazing mind can haunt us though. As I lay in bed, after finishing studying outside and becoming very aware of my headache not being completely gone due to the bright sunshine (don't get me wrong, I'm very glad the sun was finally shining!), I find that my mind is no longer on neuro notes, but instead on the next meal. What things I can shave off, how I can make it look like I'm eating more than I am. Then I remember that my roommate is cooking and suddenly I go into panic mode. How can I avoid the inevitable, eating what I don't have control over? Sleep! So I instantly decide to go to sleep, all because of my headache of course, or so I thought I was reasoning it into. No, I wasn't listening to Ed, I was simply decreasing the effect of my headache so I could have more productive studying later.
Three minutes before my alarm went off, another roommate came upstairs to wake me up for dinner. I groaned, moaned, rolled over, squinted at the light and then BAM! The light. Suddenly I realized what the last hour had been spent doing. Following Ed's commands. Ignoring my needs. What else was I trying to avoid? Confrontation. Uncomfortable feelings. I was seeking safety which only I could control. Yet it all happened so fast that I did not even label the thoughts as being Ed's until after I had slept an hour. He continued to talk to me all through dinner and even now as I am typing this after dinner, but I know that it's him now. These thoughts about me being inferior, inadequate, unworthy, unlovable, poor student, bad friend....these are not mine. They are lies. Lies that sometimes seem like truth, but if I sit down and really take the time to think about them, I find that they are not. They are strong, they hit me straight in the heart but that's because Ed knows what he can use to get to me most. He can tag up with my perfectionist and my critic, as he is at this very moment, and really hit me where it hurts, making me want to curl into a ball and surrender. But that tough love voice that is slowly developing, and that inner child, they both want to be loved and taken care of no matter what it takes.
So I will sit through this feeling. I will listen to the songs on the radio and what they are speaking to me. I remember moments I've had laughing, singing, running, experiencing the wind in my face and those are the moments I want back. If it takes tough love to get there, then bring it on. I may hate it right now, but I'll love myself for it later.
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