Overcoming Fear

From the time I was really young, I used to hide from my fears. The comfort of being under my bed, surrounded by my stuffed animals, on my pink carpet, in the darkness, always seemed to make everything bearable. As I got older, I would run away. Run to the woods behind our house. Or just outside to our backyard where I would cry with my dog. Or I'd just sprint down the street and back. The fear seemed to disappear, at least for the moment. However, it wasn't until recently that I realized that it never really disappeared. In fact, it always came back heavier. Making me feel heavier. And more scared.

Today my fears are much bigger then when I was younger. I fear relapse, abuse, moving, never finding love, never being comfortable in my own skin, gaining weight, not getting a good job, not being able to move back to NYC, etc. While in some aspects, these fears keep me grounded, at times they can become all encompassing. I have days I don't want to leave my room, or even my bed, because the outside world is just too scary. Or other times that I become so focus on body image in order to avoid thinking about what's really underneath, which is often one of my fears. Other days I'll bury myself in work in order to avoid my feelings, my thoughts and my phone. 

These past 5 months, while living in NYC, have been different though. Yes, I've had my fears, A LOT of them, but I've tried to act opposite of them.  I've lived in a city where my temptations stare me in the face constantly. Where fashion and the external appearance seems to be of upmost importance. When I first moved here, that's all I could focus on. I constantly compared myself to others. All I could see is what they had that I did not have. I lost focus of all the things in my life that I do have. The things I've been so freely given. The blessings I have. Before I knew it, I was in this place of thinking I was never going to be good enough, pretty enough, skinny enough, rich enough... to do anything. Fear of the future overwhelmed me. But what did I do? I kept stepping forward, as uncomfortable as it was. I kept speaking about my feelings, even though it wasn't always nice words. I asked for help. I didn't let my fears lead me into the darkness. 

This pattern is one that I'm sure I'll continue to have throughout my life, but I'm learning how to deal with it. Again this past week, I've had a lot of fear come over me as I again move to Wyoming for 5 months for another clinical. I'm scared to leave New York, a place that has become safe for me. A place that has become my home. However, I know its temporary. I know that I don't have to look at the whole picture either. I just have to stay in today. And enjoy today. Because today is all I have right now. Why should I be overtaken by fear and lose the one day I know I have? As my best friend always quoted "Today is a gift, that's why we call it the present." Cheesy, but true. 

Adios Ed, A Reflection

A year ago I wrote a Goodbye letter to Ed. Reading over this, I can feel the emotions that I felt when I wrote it. Remember the anxiety, the fear of giving up something so precious to me, yet so detrimental to my future, a future that I longed for. A part of me really did not want to say 'goodbye' but instead wanted to keep just a little hold on, even if only by a string. There was comfort in my disease. A security in knowing that if I felt unsafe, out of control, misunderstood, or ashamed that I could run back to my blanket and again feel protected.
I did not know that after writing that letter, I would have some big falls before I had my major turn of heart in December. I did not know I would drink many times before I decided that October 23rd would be the date that I would stay sober one day at a time. I did not know anything when I wrote that letter. But I did know one thing, I wanted a future and that is one thing that I still know today. However, there is one thing that is a little stronger today as well: I see that future unfolding. The future excites me more then it scares me. I know I will have some struggles, but I also know how I will deal with them. I don't hate the person I am today, I'm actually starting to like who I am.
So today's letter to Ed would be much shorter. It would simply say this:

Dear Ed,
Thank you for all that you have done in my life. It might seem odd to some that I am thanking you, but today I can see the blessings you have brought, or at least the blessings God has brought into my life because of you. I have learned who I am, what I want from life, what I value, and how to appreciate life.  While there are certain aspects I will probably always miss about you when it comes to body image, I'm not willing to trade anything to get those aspects back. So Ed, it's been a long, hard, roller-coaster ride, but I'm sorry my friend, I'm getting off. Adios!

Pushing through the Battle

Photo credit: Me!

I sometimes live within a double standard. I tell others to write or talk about their struggles but I find myself hiding in my own little world when I am struggling. I do talk to my sponsor, mentor, therapist, etc but I don't often share outside of those handful of people that I am struggling. I get this idea in my head that I have to be a strong statue of recovery. A warrior. Beating my battles. Not falling down. I forget what I tell my mentor all the time: that what I love about her is that she is real with me. She doesn't hide when she has her struggles. I am able to relate to her, feel that I can be honest with her, because I see her as a human being, not as a robot. 

So I have not written since I moved back to school. I knew this would be a tough transition but I did not realize to what extreme, or how I would need to brace myself. Things that I thought would be hard turned out to be easier and things I thought would be easy turned out to be hard. It goes to show that you never know what life will bring. While restricting has been a small problem, the biggest problem is my head space. I'm finding Ed lurking in every corner. Or even yet, the larger problem is that sometimes I don't even see him but he is there. I'm lucky in that I have others who are able to see him for me, not everyone has that. He gets in my head, picks my body apart, finds ways for me to avoid eating or just procrastinate eating. Slowly destroying any bit of confidence I had built up over the past year. Making me believe I am unworthy of the support I have, or the love I receive. Thoughts that isolation would be better off for everyone so that I don't cause pain for them. When I step back and look at my thoughts though, I can see that they are not mine. Those are thoughts of my disease. MY thoughts are ones of recovery, ones of life, hope, dreams and a future. So despite the discomfort, the tears during meals, the arguments on the phone, I keep pushing through. My RD may have given me permission to run X number of days this week, but I know deep down that if I do that many times, it's going to go straight to me head, especially since the last 3 weeks I haven't been able to run at all. So for my own recovery, for my own life, I will drop that number down because in the grand scheme of things, a couple weeks of running is not going to make a difference but a couple weeks of relapsing can take awhile to get out of and that's IF the relapse stops right away. I'm grateful to have people in my life to help me make these rational decisions. 

I was reminded yesterday of how bad my life was last year. I do NOT want to go back to that point. I will keep pushing through because no matter how hard the battle is, no matter how bad my day is today, my worst day today is still better then my best day a year ago. 

Why do you keep pushing through the battle? What helps you?

20 Lessons Learned

A lot has changed in the past year. It's been a roller coaster ride. Up, down, all around. Throughout all the chaos though, I've managed to come out with a lot of lessons learned and I thought I'd share 20 that I came up with today.

1. Don’t give up before the miracle happens: it’s more then just a quote I’ve heard a thousand times. It’s truly a motto I’ve learned to live from and something that has come true in my life. I’ve been so close to giving up on life and have given up on recovery at times but this past December, I was just about ready to give up on recovery yet again. My depression was just so bad, recovery was so hard, I didn’t know if I could do it. But I kept pressing forward and things started to change. My miracle happened and my turning point hit.

2. Always follow my mentor’s advice. There has yet to be a time that my reason to not follow it turned out to be reasonable and the right choice.

3. Alcohol does not fix problems, it only adds to them and changes your sobriety date.

4. Always bring 3 sizes of pants into the dressing room.

5. I truly am insane without my higher power.

6. I deserve forgiveness.

7. I really am not that special- Thanks to Thom Rutledge for that one!

8. I DESERVE recovery

9. The simple joys in life make it worth waking up every morning. These can be as small as doggy kisses, enjoying coffee with a friend, having a shoulder to cry on and actually feeling better for crying, noticing the colors of a sunset and feeling the sun on your face on a nice spring day.

10. I can survive without coffee. In fact, I now am not awake until I eat breakfast.

11. I can accept myself where I am. Afterall, I’m not going to move forward if I can’t accept where I am in the now first.

12. Peanut butter goes with everything! Ok, maybe not EVERYthing, but A LOT of things.

13. God is my strength and without Him, I would not be where I am today. I have to start and end my day with Him.

14. Feelings don’t kill, what you do to avoid feelings can.

15. It is possible to eat fast food as well as other meals out in one week, and not engage in other behaviors, and still not gain weight.

16. By nature, I am selfish and self-centered, but with God’s help, I can work to overcome these defects and become a more helpful person.

17. My perception of my body is truly skewed. What I see in the mirror is NOT reality no matter how many times Ed tries to tell me it is.

18. I’m ok with things not being perfect. Yes, it might still bother me at times, but overall, I actually like not feeling like I have to put so much pressure on myself all the time.

19. Having to take a leave from school for a year is not the end of the world. In fact, it has allowed me to gain my life back.

20. Others believe in me, and I believe others, therefore I can believe in myself.

Is This Really Happening?!?

Someone please pinch me. I don’t think this life I’m living can really be mine. It’s too good to be true. It’s St. Patty’ day, I’m sober, I went to a St Patrick’s Day Parade, by myself and left sober after just missing my friends since they didn’t get there until just before I had to leave. I cried on my drive to meet up with a friend while talking to another friend about her recent relapse. I hurt me so much to know the pain she must be experiencing. Yet the hurt I felt did not cause me to drink, cut, to engage in ED. Instead I ate lunch with my friend even though she had already eaten. Then we went on a walk and laughed, real laughter. Later in the day I found myself craving frozen yogurt. A craving?!? Something I would have run from in the past if I experienced at all. I definitely wouldn’t have texted or set my facebook status in a way to find someone to go get fro yo with me. When I had almost lost all hope in finding someone, that same friend that I had hung out with earlier, whom I had met in IOP, said she would love to get frozen yogurt with me. So we hit it up. Three flavors, gummy bears, tapioca, and sprinkles later I felt good. Not anxious. Not guilty. But good. I was happy. We had eaten it together. Who would have thought that the two girls that rocked in the corner on the night of a meal challenge or that sat at Applebee’s crying through a meal would go out for frozen yogurt together for FUN and laugh and talk throughout it, not shake and stare off in space. After AA, I headed home to have corned beef and cabbage for dinner: the traditional St. Patrick’s Day dinner of which I have not participated in for awhile. On that drive home, I called both my sponsor and mentor either in tears or near tears, in awe. This is not the life I have lived. When did my life change? My sponsor said “It sounds like the effects of having a God in your life and using Him.” She could not be more than right. My mentor said to me “I told you one day it would just click. I believe today is your day.” Today is my click-day.

Wow. I am speechless. I wish I could explain to everyone what this feeling feels like. It is truly like nothing I have ever felt before. It’s like I have suddenly woke up from a deep sleep that I’ve been in for years. But the sky is bluer, the grass is greener, the jokes are funnier, relaxing is more restful and friendships are more meaningful. Everything is worth more to me. I appreciate every part of life a little more. God, I hope I’m not imaging this.

A Weekend of Reflection

This past weekend I attended a retreat in Nashville, TN put on by Thom Rutledge and Julie Merryman entitled Beyond Eating Disorders. This was my forth time attending this retreat with my first time having been exactly a year ago. I actually contemplated canceling coming to the retreat this time. I kept thinking that I didn’t need it, especially since my bank account is really running low as it is. However, something inside of me said to go and I’m sure glad I did.

I get something different out of every retreat just as I’ve always been in a very different place in my recovery: everywhere from a relapse to the strongest I’ve ever been. I cry during different times for different reasons, I feel pain at different parts, I am a different person. I spent much of the retreat reflecting on this thought: the differences in where I am now versus where I was a year ago. I came to one conclusion: I NEVER want to go backward.

During recent months, I have had a few hard days at a time that I forget how bad things used to be. Days that Ed’s voice becomes so enticing, that the positives of an eating disorder seem to outweigh the negatives. Yes, I did say positives of an eating disorder because yes, there are positives otherwise we wouldn’t keep it. For me, my ED gave me protection, security, a way to escape, minimize myself both physically and symbolically, a sense of control and confidence, and something that I felt I was good at. However, after this weekend’s reflection, I know that none of these things are enticing enough to bring me backwards. I have had too much of a taste of true recovery. Too much of a taste of life, of laughter, of fun, of freedom, of real relationships.

Recovery has given me the chance to do things such as not back out on plans with friends. I can go out to eat and order what I WANT off the menu versus what I think has the lowest number of calories. (And that’s if I even were to go out to eat at all). I can watch TV without having to do something else at the same time just so I am “productive.” I have real relationships with people. I can be myself. I can laugh, a real laugh, not a fake one! I can take time out of my schedule to help someone else, even if it wasn’t in my plan. I don’t have to be such a perfectionist. I get to truly be a part of my own life now instead of having it pass me by.

I am so grateful to have had this weekend to reflect on how my life has changed. I am so blessed for those in my life who have been a part of these changes. It has not been an easy journey at all and I still have a long way to go, but I know now that I don’t want to turn back. There is too much to look forward too, too much life to live, and too much to give.

ABC's Who am I?

Thought I'd switch things up with a light hearted get to know me blog since I've added some new followers lately.

A = Age: 24, approaching 25. A kid at heart. But an older soul.

B = Bed Size: At my parents house its just a double, but I consider "MY bed" to be my bed at school where I'll be returning next month and it's a queen. I can't wait to go back to it. It's so comfy!

C = Chore you hate: I don't know that there's any chore I ENJOY, but the thing I hate the most is vacuuming the stairs. I swear the vacuum gets heavier throughout the process.

D = Dogs: My parent's dog, Wendy. I love her to death. She makes me smile every day.

E = Essential start to your day: Once I've decided I've hit snooze long enough, I get up and eat breakfast and check my emails while eating.

F = Favorite Color: I can't pick one. Purple and blue....today.

G = Gold or Silver: Silver.

H = Height: 5’6'... 5'7" on a good day if I got a lot of sleep and my vertebral discs really got filled up

I = Instruments you play: Flute and piccolo

J = Job title: Permanent Student

K = Kids: I think I have it pretty good right now...I get to play with other people's kids and return them. :)

L = Live: I have lived for 24 years...I've lived in St. Joseph, MO, Liberty MO, Kirksville MO, Omaha NE and for 3 weeks in both Cedar City UT and Dallas TX if that counts. I'm really excited to live in NYC this fall!

M = Mom’s name: Kathleen Elizabeth...or Kathy

N = Nickname: Jenn. Freshman year of college one girl called me Jenny from the Block when we were out. My brother calls me Jenny when he's trying to be cute, otherwise I will NOT respond to Jenny.

O = Overnight hospital stays: Several. 4 days when I broke my leg. I think I was just overnight once (well, multiple nights with that occurrence) from alcohol/benzos. Then another psych stay.

P = Pet peeve: bad grammar

Q = Quote from a movie: Finding Nemo-Dora "Just keep swimming"

R = Right or left-handed: Right handed. Left footed- at least with dance and gymnastics I was always stronger on my left. I kick a soccer ball right footed though. Weird.

S = Siblings: One brother. 21. One of my best friends.

T = Time you wake up: Its so varied right now....need to be back on a schedule!

U = Underwear: in my top drawer, on the right

V = Vegetables you dislike: I really like most vegetables. I do pick onions off of sandwiches though so I guess that will work.

W = What makes you run late: Forgetting to pack a snack and then remember as I'm about to walk out the door.

X = X-Rays you’ve had: Teeth. Ankle from spraining it many times. Foot when I tore ligaments pretty bad from slipping on the side of a pool. I couldn't put any weight on it. Many on my leg over a year period when I broke it. My back and neck at chiropractor. My back again checking to see what the tumors were but they followed up with a ultrasound and they're benign. CT scan/MRI of my head with concussions and migraines.

Y = Yummy foods you make: I've been slacking on cooking lately since I've been home but I've been told that my Apricot Chicken is good along with my family's Red Beans and Rice.

Z = Zoo favorite animal: Monkeys for sure!