Is This Really Happening?!?

Someone please pinch me. I don’t think this life I’m living can really be mine. It’s too good to be true. It’s St. Patty’ day, I’m sober, I went to a St Patrick’s Day Parade, by myself and left sober after just missing my friends since they didn’t get there until just before I had to leave. I cried on my drive to meet up with a friend while talking to another friend about her recent relapse. I hurt me so much to know the pain she must be experiencing. Yet the hurt I felt did not cause me to drink, cut, to engage in ED. Instead I ate lunch with my friend even though she had already eaten. Then we went on a walk and laughed, real laughter. Later in the day I found myself craving frozen yogurt. A craving?!? Something I would have run from in the past if I experienced at all. I definitely wouldn’t have texted or set my facebook status in a way to find someone to go get fro yo with me. When I had almost lost all hope in finding someone, that same friend that I had hung out with earlier, whom I had met in IOP, said she would love to get frozen yogurt with me. So we hit it up. Three flavors, gummy bears, tapioca, and sprinkles later I felt good. Not anxious. Not guilty. But good. I was happy. We had eaten it together. Who would have thought that the two girls that rocked in the corner on the night of a meal challenge or that sat at Applebee’s crying through a meal would go out for frozen yogurt together for FUN and laugh and talk throughout it, not shake and stare off in space. After AA, I headed home to have corned beef and cabbage for dinner: the traditional St. Patrick’s Day dinner of which I have not participated in for awhile. On that drive home, I called both my sponsor and mentor either in tears or near tears, in awe. This is not the life I have lived. When did my life change? My sponsor said “It sounds like the effects of having a God in your life and using Him.” She could not be more than right. My mentor said to me “I told you one day it would just click. I believe today is your day.” Today is my click-day.

Wow. I am speechless. I wish I could explain to everyone what this feeling feels like. It is truly like nothing I have ever felt before. It’s like I have suddenly woke up from a deep sleep that I’ve been in for years. But the sky is bluer, the grass is greener, the jokes are funnier, relaxing is more restful and friendships are more meaningful. Everything is worth more to me. I appreciate every part of life a little more. God, I hope I’m not imaging this.