A Weekend of Reflection

This past weekend I attended a retreat in Nashville, TN put on by Thom Rutledge and Julie Merryman entitled Beyond Eating Disorders. This was my forth time attending this retreat with my first time having been exactly a year ago. I actually contemplated canceling coming to the retreat this time. I kept thinking that I didn’t need it, especially since my bank account is really running low as it is. However, something inside of me said to go and I’m sure glad I did.

I get something different out of every retreat just as I’ve always been in a very different place in my recovery: everywhere from a relapse to the strongest I’ve ever been. I cry during different times for different reasons, I feel pain at different parts, I am a different person. I spent much of the retreat reflecting on this thought: the differences in where I am now versus where I was a year ago. I came to one conclusion: I NEVER want to go backward.

During recent months, I have had a few hard days at a time that I forget how bad things used to be. Days that Ed’s voice becomes so enticing, that the positives of an eating disorder seem to outweigh the negatives. Yes, I did say positives of an eating disorder because yes, there are positives otherwise we wouldn’t keep it. For me, my ED gave me protection, security, a way to escape, minimize myself both physically and symbolically, a sense of control and confidence, and something that I felt I was good at. However, after this weekend’s reflection, I know that none of these things are enticing enough to bring me backwards. I have had too much of a taste of true recovery. Too much of a taste of life, of laughter, of fun, of freedom, of real relationships.

Recovery has given me the chance to do things such as not back out on plans with friends. I can go out to eat and order what I WANT off the menu versus what I think has the lowest number of calories. (And that’s if I even were to go out to eat at all). I can watch TV without having to do something else at the same time just so I am “productive.” I have real relationships with people. I can be myself. I can laugh, a real laugh, not a fake one! I can take time out of my schedule to help someone else, even if it wasn’t in my plan. I don’t have to be such a perfectionist. I get to truly be a part of my own life now instead of having it pass me by.

I am so grateful to have had this weekend to reflect on how my life has changed. I am so blessed for those in my life who have been a part of these changes. It has not been an easy journey at all and I still have a long way to go, but I know now that I don’t want to turn back. There is too much to look forward too, too much life to live, and too much to give.