Truth or Lie

Recovery is a journey

Yesterday I got the random idea to go back and read old blogs from this time in 2010, aka the point in time where shit was hitting the fan, where life was becoming unmanageable, where I prayed each day for God to take me in my sleep. I was expecting to relive this horror a little through these readings, end up in tears, call my mentor and her ask me what the heck I was thinking when I went back to read them. First of all, there was 13 posts...13 in April alone! Apparently I was a writing fool while being a full time student. These writings included:

* a video of pictures showing why recovery is better then a life with Ed
* logs of my life in "recovery"
* talk about the "great strides" I had made
* info "following the guidelines" required for the prep/post colonoscopy I had done
* talk about relationships being better
* my desire to continue fighting
* many other positive, inspiring comments....

Who was I lying to? Others? Most definitely. Myself? Possibly. Did I really have myself convinced that everything was ok? Looking back now, I can see my life at this time from the outside. I can see it spinning out of control. I can see my depression, my misery, my giving up. However, I honestly think that at that time, I thought everything ok. I really was lying to myself as much as I was lying to everyone else. I put on such a mask that I had myself confused as to who was the real Jenn.

I'm so grateful that I don't have to lie to myself or other today. I am able to be myself and feel my emotions. When I'm feeling down, I'm ok with telling someone else that as I know they will not judge me. It's so much easier to just be myself then trying to keep 18 stories straight with who I told what to. Today I can say that I truly am grateful for recovery. Yes, I do still have my struggles, mostly with body image in particular, but I choose not to act on it these days. I do still have days that I choose sweat pants over jeans because yes, I'm not perfect and I'm still a work in progress, but that's ok. I haven't given up. I thankful for my willingness to put one foot in front of the other. Even if just for today. After all, today is what matters.

Miracles

Easter Egg from 2 Years Ago

I've been thinking a lot lately, which at times is good and at others is bad, but what I wanted to write about was the miracle of the good. The gratefulness I have for my life today. It was nearly 2 years ago that my life really was hitting bottom, that I felt more comfortable in a hospital then I did in my own house, and that I prayed every night for God to take me in my sleep. However, on this Easter weekend, I am so grateful to say that I can see so many miracles in my life and not only in my recovery but in really living life. First, I am alive. Medically, I don't know how my body survived. Spiritually, I know that God is the only reason I'm here. He still has a plan for me.
Secondly, the most important thing to me that recovery has given me is the ability to form relationships with people again, and repair relationships that were broken. I am beginning to learn to trust people, which is something I never dreamed I could do again. That in itself is a miracle.
Third, I am able to feel emotions. Yes, I did say "Able To." Don't get me wrong, there are still many times that I want to feel numb, that I don't want to feel those "negative" emotions, however, having the ability to feels those today also gives me the ability to feel the positive ones. I can feel happy. I can enjoy myself. I can REALLY laugh. I don't have to wear that fake smile 24 hours a day. (Yes, I think I kept it on while sleeping just in case someone caught me). I have laughed so many times just today, it amazes me.
Forth, I can remember each day. I don't have to have people tell me what happened a week ago any more because I'm actually cognizant of what's happening to me and those around me. I had to look back at pictures from Easter 2 years ago to try and recall what happened. It's scary how much time I've lost, but I have so much to gain now.
Fifth, and lastly, I have a future today. I am able to live in the moment, but know that there is a greater plan for each moment. I am able to help other women through similar struggles as mine which is such a miracle. It reminds me of where I've been and keeps me working on myself to continue to better myself.  I have dreams, goals and ambitions. I don't want to die today. I want to live. I want to love. I want to sing and dance. I want to be me.

20 Lessons Learned

A lot has changed in the past year. It's been a roller coaster ride. Up, down, all around. Throughout all the chaos though, I've managed to come out with a lot of lessons learned and I thought I'd share 20 that I came up with today.

1. Don’t give up before the miracle happens: it’s more then just a quote I’ve heard a thousand times. It’s truly a motto I’ve learned to live from and something that has come true in my life. I’ve been so close to giving up on life and have given up on recovery at times but this past December, I was just about ready to give up on recovery yet again. My depression was just so bad, recovery was so hard, I didn’t know if I could do it. But I kept pressing forward and things started to change. My miracle happened and my turning point hit.

2. Always follow my mentor’s advice. There has yet to be a time that my reason to not follow it turned out to be reasonable and the right choice.

3. Alcohol does not fix problems, it only adds to them and changes your sobriety date.

4. Always bring 3 sizes of pants into the dressing room.

5. I truly am insane without my higher power.

6. I deserve forgiveness.

7. I really am not that special- Thanks to Thom Rutledge for that one!

8. I DESERVE recovery

9. The simple joys in life make it worth waking up every morning. These can be as small as doggy kisses, enjoying coffee with a friend, having a shoulder to cry on and actually feeling better for crying, noticing the colors of a sunset and feeling the sun on your face on a nice spring day.

10. I can survive without coffee. In fact, I now am not awake until I eat breakfast.

11. I can accept myself where I am. Afterall, I’m not going to move forward if I can’t accept where I am in the now first.

12. Peanut butter goes with everything! Ok, maybe not EVERYthing, but A LOT of things.

13. God is my strength and without Him, I would not be where I am today. I have to start and end my day with Him.

14. Feelings don’t kill, what you do to avoid feelings can.

15. It is possible to eat fast food as well as other meals out in one week, and not engage in other behaviors, and still not gain weight.

16. By nature, I am selfish and self-centered, but with God’s help, I can work to overcome these defects and become a more helpful person.

17. My perception of my body is truly skewed. What I see in the mirror is NOT reality no matter how many times Ed tries to tell me it is.

18. I’m ok with things not being perfect. Yes, it might still bother me at times, but overall, I actually like not feeling like I have to put so much pressure on myself all the time.

19. Having to take a leave from school for a year is not the end of the world. In fact, it has allowed me to gain my life back.

20. Others believe in me, and I believe others, therefore I can believe in myself.

Is This Really Happening?!?

Someone please pinch me. I don’t think this life I’m living can really be mine. It’s too good to be true. It’s St. Patty’ day, I’m sober, I went to a St Patrick’s Day Parade, by myself and left sober after just missing my friends since they didn’t get there until just before I had to leave. I cried on my drive to meet up with a friend while talking to another friend about her recent relapse. I hurt me so much to know the pain she must be experiencing. Yet the hurt I felt did not cause me to drink, cut, to engage in ED. Instead I ate lunch with my friend even though she had already eaten. Then we went on a walk and laughed, real laughter. Later in the day I found myself craving frozen yogurt. A craving?!? Something I would have run from in the past if I experienced at all. I definitely wouldn’t have texted or set my facebook status in a way to find someone to go get fro yo with me. When I had almost lost all hope in finding someone, that same friend that I had hung out with earlier, whom I had met in IOP, said she would love to get frozen yogurt with me. So we hit it up. Three flavors, gummy bears, tapioca, and sprinkles later I felt good. Not anxious. Not guilty. But good. I was happy. We had eaten it together. Who would have thought that the two girls that rocked in the corner on the night of a meal challenge or that sat at Applebee’s crying through a meal would go out for frozen yogurt together for FUN and laugh and talk throughout it, not shake and stare off in space. After AA, I headed home to have corned beef and cabbage for dinner: the traditional St. Patrick’s Day dinner of which I have not participated in for awhile. On that drive home, I called both my sponsor and mentor either in tears or near tears, in awe. This is not the life I have lived. When did my life change? My sponsor said “It sounds like the effects of having a God in your life and using Him.” She could not be more than right. My mentor said to me “I told you one day it would just click. I believe today is your day.” Today is my click-day.

Wow. I am speechless. I wish I could explain to everyone what this feeling feels like. It is truly like nothing I have ever felt before. It’s like I have suddenly woke up from a deep sleep that I’ve been in for years. But the sky is bluer, the grass is greener, the jokes are funnier, relaxing is more restful and friendships are more meaningful. Everything is worth more to me. I appreciate every part of life a little more. God, I hope I’m not imaging this.

A Weekend of Reflection

This past weekend I attended a retreat in Nashville, TN put on by Thom Rutledge and Julie Merryman entitled Beyond Eating Disorders. This was my forth time attending this retreat with my first time having been exactly a year ago. I actually contemplated canceling coming to the retreat this time. I kept thinking that I didn’t need it, especially since my bank account is really running low as it is. However, something inside of me said to go and I’m sure glad I did.

I get something different out of every retreat just as I’ve always been in a very different place in my recovery: everywhere from a relapse to the strongest I’ve ever been. I cry during different times for different reasons, I feel pain at different parts, I am a different person. I spent much of the retreat reflecting on this thought: the differences in where I am now versus where I was a year ago. I came to one conclusion: I NEVER want to go backward.

During recent months, I have had a few hard days at a time that I forget how bad things used to be. Days that Ed’s voice becomes so enticing, that the positives of an eating disorder seem to outweigh the negatives. Yes, I did say positives of an eating disorder because yes, there are positives otherwise we wouldn’t keep it. For me, my ED gave me protection, security, a way to escape, minimize myself both physically and symbolically, a sense of control and confidence, and something that I felt I was good at. However, after this weekend’s reflection, I know that none of these things are enticing enough to bring me backwards. I have had too much of a taste of true recovery. Too much of a taste of life, of laughter, of fun, of freedom, of real relationships.

Recovery has given me the chance to do things such as not back out on plans with friends. I can go out to eat and order what I WANT off the menu versus what I think has the lowest number of calories. (And that’s if I even were to go out to eat at all). I can watch TV without having to do something else at the same time just so I am “productive.” I have real relationships with people. I can be myself. I can laugh, a real laugh, not a fake one! I can take time out of my schedule to help someone else, even if it wasn’t in my plan. I don’t have to be such a perfectionist. I get to truly be a part of my own life now instead of having it pass me by.

I am so grateful to have had this weekend to reflect on how my life has changed. I am so blessed for those in my life who have been a part of these changes. It has not been an easy journey at all and I still have a long way to go, but I know now that I don’t want to turn back. There is too much to look forward too, too much life to live, and too much to give.

International Women's Day

Today is International Women’s Day, a day to recognize women’s struggles for equality and justice. Today’s society is much different then it was many years ago. It is not out of the ordinary for women to be in the workplace or to hold high positions within the field. However, these women can still be looked up to just as they were many years ago. Years ago, it took a lot of guts to walk into a workplace of primarily males. While today’s society may be different, we still have many reasons to look up to women.

In honor of the day, I began thinking about the past year and a handful of women who have reached their hand out when I needed it, offered words of wisdom, set an example for me to follow or just became the friend I needed at that time.

First, my mom. While we have had our arguments over the past year, she has stayed by my side. She has done everything in her power to help me in my recovery. She always encourages me to do what I desire which has helped me to find what I really want out of life.

My mentor, Kendra. I do not know where I would be today without you. You have taught me to find my voice and I’m learning to use it. Through your example, I have seen that there is life without my eating disorder, an exciting life at that. Without you, I don’t know if I would have ever found a reason to fight for myself instead of everyone else. You have taught me that I am worth more that I ever thought I was.

My sponsor, Bridget. From the first day I entered the doors, you kept telling me I needed to get a sponsor, but you let me do things in my time. Eventually I came around and from that day, my life has been different. I take responsibility for my actions, I keep my mouth shut when it needs to be shut (for the most part…), my relationship with God is present again, and I am finding happiness none of which would have been possible without you and your example.

Lindsay A- You stuck around when not many others did and for that I am forever grateful

Wendy- You went out of your way so many times for me. I can’t believe how much you put up with. You have shown me what true friendship is all about.

Lexi- My best friend. You are always there, no matter the distance.

Emily- You taught me how to laugh again. You brought me out of the shell I had been hiding in for so long. Thank you.

Jeanette- You constantly show me that the glass is half full. I am always amazed at your attitude about life and hope to have just half that outlook.

I am so blessed. I could keep going but for the sake of time and your eyes reading, I will stop. What women are you grateful for today?

IOP Testimonial

I just wrote a little testimonial for my IOP program that I just graduated last week and I thought I'd share it with you all. I was in awe as I was thinking back to how much my life has changed over the past year. It's truly remarkable!

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I walked into IOP scared, but excited to continue along the path of recovery I had already begun. Fresh out of residential treatment, I was on a recovery high, wanting to do everything to put my past behind me and move on with a new life. What I did not know was that the outside world, the world beyond the walls of the safe bubble built by residential treatment, was a difficult one. So difficult that I would soon come crashing down. While the crash took me by surprise, I was so glad to have the support of the women and staff in IOP.

I had many ups and downs during the time I was in IOP, but I learned from each fall and I made my way back up. Each time I spent down was a little bit less as the months passed. I started applying the tools I was learning and really listening to what I was being told. I accepted things where they were, but knew, deep down, I was worth more. So I started doing what I was told, not just listening to it. I put one foot in front of the other, no matter how difficult it was. I cried through meals. I felt the pain. I sat through anxiety. I started to have glimpses of happiness, times where I was not obsessing, moments that my mind was quiet. Those moments kept pushing me forward.

Looking back to the time I started IOP, it’s hard to believe that it has actually only been the amount of time that it has been. I am a completely different person to who I was the day I walked in those doors. I am no longer fearful the moment I wake up in the morning. I actually look forward to what the day has to bring. I can enjoy going out to eat with family and friends, something I never dreamed would be possible for me. I can exercise because I want to, not because I HAVE to. And if I don’t want to some day, that’s ok, I can lay around and relax. After meals, I can sit around the table and talk and laugh with my family. I can feel and talk about emotions. I no longer have to lie about where I’m going or what I’m doing. Best of all, I have a better sense of who I am and who I want to become.

Thank You, but No Thanks

Dearest Ed,

I have written many letters to you. Goodbye letters. Hate letters. Love letters. Letters simply because I had to write them. Questioning letters. All of these served their purpose at their time, just as you have served your purpose in my life. That’s what this letter is about: to honor what you have done for me, but also to tell you, again, goodbye because this time, I really sincerely mean goodbye. I am letting go of you slowly. I don’t desire or need you like I used to, but we’ll get into that later.

Self confidence. This is something that I always lacked but pretended to have. My perfectionism allowed me to achieve high merits in all activities giving me a reason to appear confident. After all, why would a person with perfect grades, playing varsity athletics, have state honors in band, president of a club, etc. not feel confident? This wasn’t true though. Deep inside I was falling apart without you. I never felt good enough. Never smart enough. Pretty enough. Skinny enough. Fast enough. Outgoing enough. Then I found you. You promised me all of these things. All I had to do was follow what you said. I could follow orders. That was one thing I was good at. Before I knew it, I started to feel a false sense of confidence through others comments. Others told me I was skinny. They were “jealous.” I had a drive I hadn’t had before. I found something I was truly good at.

Control. There were times when I ran away from you. I saw where my life was going and I did get scared. For good reason. At those times, my life did seem to spin out of control. My grades dropped. Alcoholism got bad. I gained weight. I ran back to you. You gave me exactly what I needed.

Protection. This is the one that touches me the most. The one that I have held onto the hardest. The one that makes me afraid to give you up. One of those times that I gave you up was when I was sexually abused. For a long time I blamed it on the fact that I had gained weight and was more appealing to men. I never wanted to be that weight again. For many years I refused to hit that number. If I ever got close, I would relapse, harder and harder each time. There came a point though when I realized that you were no longer protecting me. My mom told me that my family was worried about whether I would live or die. That is not protection. I can no longer rely on you for this, for if I do, I will die. My faith in God is what will protect me.

You have done a lot for me Ed. You really have. However, you have taken away more. I am rebuilding my relationship and trust with my family. I have to reorganize my school/career plans. My family and myself have medical/treatment bills coming out of our ears. I lost many friends. You have outstayed your welcome and I am ready to move on. I have life awaiting me. Last weekend I played with my little cousin. She’s only 5 years old. As we played, she did not judge me on my weight or how skinny I was. She did not care. She was simply thrilled to have someone to play with. We laughed together. We were carefree. You were not a part of that interaction and it felt great. Every moment I have without you now feels free. Before it felt lonely and anxiety provoking, but now I feel a sense of freedom. I feel like myself again. I am ready to be me. To experience life. To laugh. To dream. To explore. To fall. To get back up. I am ready to live.

Love, Jenn

Clean Slate

10....9....8....7....6....

As we counted down last night, my stomach was turning. Not with excitement of a new year but with anger. 2011. A year I had been looking forward to for quite some time but for the past week, I had suddenly started resenting the year. 2011 was the year I was "suppose to" graduate from PT school, move to Cali, get a job I loved, and start really living MY life but as the end of 2010 came to a close I looked at what I was doing with my life and it was not at all close to that picture. I am not graduating in 2011, I have had to stop school and move in with my parents in Kansas City after treatment, I'm still in therapy many days of the week, if not in therapy, I'm at AA meetings (which don't get my wrong, I love the friends I've made there and wouldn't trade them for the world) and I don't feel like I'm living the life I want at all right now.

5....4....3...2...1....

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

So I could choose to sit in self-pity? Crying to myself about how my life sucks right now. But instead, I am choosing to look at 2011 as a clean slate. This is a new year with new opportunities. I get the chance to go back to school in April if I work my butt off between now and then. This is something to look forward to, not take for granted. I get to shape my future how I want it to be, while in recovery. I mean, how awesome is that! Ya, it's hard work, but a future in recovery is a lot less miserable then a future in my eating disorder, or a future using some type of substance. It all begins today, with this clean slate. I get to paint on it however I feel. And it's ok to mess up every once in awhile. It's all a part of the process. Two of the biggest lessons I learned in 2010 are 1). I'm not invisible and 2). I can pick myself up when I fall. I will take those two lessons with me into this year along with acceptance, self forgiveness and willingness.

Spiritual Experience

In AA or other 12 step programs, we often talk about having spiritual experiences. (Note: 'spiritual' does not have to mean God or religion.) I have had many throughout my life that have allowed my faith to remain through everything I have been through. Yes, it does get shaky at times and there have been times that I have completely shut him out, putting blame where it did not belong. At times I questioned my faith, wondering if there really was a God that loved me unconditionally, or if I was deserving of this so called love.

In the past week, I have begun to fall into this self pitying place of rejection of my faith, questioning my beliefs, and placing blame in God's hands. When I hit these places, it gets ugly really fast. I turn into a person I am not. I get angry with others, and myself, quickly, I become dishonest through withholding the truth, behaviors increase, urges increase, I say things I regret, and I blame it on anyone but myself.

A therapist gave me an assignment the other day and I had to report into her t

he next day to say whether I had done the following:

1. Journaled twice

2. Prayed 3 times

3. Followed my meal plan 100%

I hadn't done them all in completion but I had done parts of each which was better then what I was doing prior. My morning prayer went something like this: "God, I'm only praying because I've been told to. I don't really know what you can do for me right now. I'm not sure I want to get better. The fear outweighs the benefits in my mind. However, if you should feel so inclined to give me some motivation, that'd be great. Amen."

When I got home that day, I decided God wasn't going to answer that prayer. I concluded that I was "meant to" continue acting out on my behaviors. But then I got on facebook where I

had the following message:

I know I've never met you, but I was contacting you because I'm really inspired by you! You seem so confident and happy now, and even going to all the ed conferences and things that just makes me believe you are very strong in your recovery. I recently saw Rita Frickel at the creighton cardiac center, (now doing partial at childrens hospital) but when I was there I thought about how you were doing grad school at Creighton and thought I might ask for tips :) I'm super motivated and doing okay in treatment, but on the outside its SO much harder and being in college the support is not there like in high school and growing up. How did you find support? How are you doing now? I won't load you with questions, but I hope to hear from you. Thanks for the inspiration :)

There is no way this girl knows how much those words meant to me. Yes, up until the last 5 or 6 days, I had been doing really well. I was motivated. I saw a reason tot recover. But somewhere things flipped again. This message showed me again why I want to recover. I want to be able to get more messages like this (not that I'm greedy and wanting messages but its the principle behind it). I want to help people. I want to be an effective advocate, living by my words. I want to publish a book. I have all these dreams and this message awakened me to them yet again. So guess what, God did answer that prayer and it was a reminder that things don't always happen in my time, but in His, my higher power's.

What are your dreams?

How do you connect with your spiritual life? Do you need to reconnect?

Blame...on ME?!?

I was sitting at an AA meeting at noon today. It was a topic meeting. The lady that introduced the topic talked about all kinds of things that I could relate to, but one stood out to me more than others: Blame. This past weekend, I was planning to go to Chicago for Alumni Day at Timberline Knolls, the residential treatment facility I went to. I was excited to staff, maybe instill some hope on the residents, but most of all, excited to see my best friend from treatment, Emily.

First it was my parents to voice their opinions about my best interests...aka they didn't agree with me going due to recent actions and lack of control over them. So I decided at this time, after talking to my mentor and seeing that she agreed with them, that I would shorten my trip to only 2 days/only 1 day overnight. Yes, I was staying in a hotel by myself, but I would be ok. I would just attend a meeting Friday night to keep myself in the right mindset. I would leave my credit card at home. I wouldn't bring anything with me I could easily cut with. I was finding everything to convince myself that I would be ok. I canceled the second day at the hotel and for a couple days, thought that would be my plan.

The day before I was suppose to go, I talked with girls at IOP along with the therapist. I suddenly got a reaction "You're staying alone?!?" I guess it was a big deal with everyone's reactions. I really couldn't be trusted on my own. It was again highly suggested that I didn't go. Right then and there, I picked up my phone and called to cancel the hotel reservation entirely. I made the decision not to go, with a lot of pushes behind me.

On Friday, the day I was suppose to leave, I was very depressed. I moped a

round the house. Ate, slept, ate, slept...that's all I could do. I didn't have any energy. I just wanted to disappear. For once I wasn't blaming others. I saw that the situation was my own fault and I was upset about that. However, I could not change the past. With a little motivation from my lovely mentor, I decided to finally get out of bed and do something productive. I had a nice break outside then moved on with my day. As stated, I cannot change the past, however, I can make my future. I can learn from this. My actions do have consequences. I can continue to act the way I have been lately, or I can turn things around so I don't miss out on more opportunities in the future. Life is truly a gift. In my disease, these gifts are not realized. I choose to live. I choose to enjoy these moments. I choose to recover.

Clearing the Fog

It has again been a long time between posts. I just haven't found much to blog about. I have however been working on my book a lot. Have a proposal mostly done plus have a few chapters underway. This excites me a lot. I'm actually doing something toward accomplishing my dream. I have so many dreams. However, in the past they were merely that: dreams. Something I hoped to do but doubted my ability to do so. I can see some of them now. Granted they are still pretty dull, they are there. They get clearer with little steps forward. You see, my dreams can never be accomplished with my eating disorder, alcoholism, cutting or prescription drug use. They fog over the dreams. All that is left is my addictions. They are my life, my friend, my control, my everything. With each small step away from them, the fog begins to clear and those dreams can be seen.This weekend has been full of highs and lows. Friday night, I attended a baseball game with my parents. I planned on getting ice cream to challenge myself and to enjoy. I was craving it and thought I'd listen to my body for once and get what I wanted. I kept repeating "this fits in my meal plan." Self talk was crucial. So I stood in line for about 15-20 minutes only to have them run out one person in front of me. This little thing caused me to push everything aside and say "Forget it. It wasn't mean to be." (I use this "it wasn't meant to be" way too often). I instantly texted my mentor. After talking with her I decided to walk to another stand. "I can do this!" Standing in this line, my anxiety rose. As I approached the cashier, I felt the tears start and ran away. This was the end. I "failed." (At least that's what I thought.) After beating myself up for awhile, I decided to move on. I stood in line after all, that's improvement.

On Saturday I attended the University of Missouri football game. (GO TIGERS!)

During a bathroom break, I noticed a Dippin Dots stand. The wheels started turning and I realized I could make up for last nights events this night. So I went back to my seat, sat there for awhile, then told my parents my idea. I knew at this time that I needed to get it now before I chickened out. So I asked my parents if they wanted any and I went down to the stand. I again stood in line for at least 20 minutes. But this time I did not run away. I placed my order. Got a size I felt safe with. Then went back up to my seat to enjoy it. It had be

en many years since I had gotten one of these. I got my favorite flavor too: Banana Split. I'm happy to say that I ate it slowly, concentrating on the taste and enjoying each bite.

I finished this challenge with pride. I had overcome a hurdle. While it's important to do this challenge again as one time does not eliminate fears, I know that I did it once and can again. I did not die. I didn't even have an anxiety attack. Staying in the moment, I accomplished a goal, and today I feel good. I'm happy. Not restricting because of eating it yesterday. Instead, I'm telling you that challenges can be accomplished. I reached out for support from my mentor. Told my parents of my challenge and showed them my empty cup after so I could get a little praise. I'm not afraid to ask for a congrats now. I deserve it and you do too!

Another Wake Up Call

It has been awhile since I've written. There are many reasons for this...writer's block, struggles, time constraints, and fear. I feel like I've been on a roller coaster. This isn't that uncommon for me but a lot of times I change roller coasters and have a little break between the two. However, this time I've been on the same one for quite some time. Never staying in one place for an extended period until the last two weeks, when the coaster stopped suddenly after a hill. To be honest, I've been struggling and starting to fall into a deep relapse. This is not something I'm proud to admit to others. I'm especially not proud to admit that there have been days when I didn't want to move out of this dark place. For the past couple weeks this has been the case. I've refused to do what I'm told to do, not even wanting to look at or confess that my disease does have negative outcomes. My mentor has been wonderful and said so many encouraging, and tough love statements but I just let it go in one ear and out the other. My treatment team has told me what I need to do, and I do the complete opposite. I know this needs to change, however I couldn't find the motivation to do that.

Today something hit me though. I met up with a friend of mine. Someone that I hold very dear to my heart. Someone I've had many ups and downs with. I had a wonderful afternoon laughing and really being in the moment, not worrying about what I was going to do or not do later in the day. It was after dropping her off that I began to reflect on the day and the past. There was a time when she looked up to me and my recovery. I felt so honored and privileged to be able to teach her what I had learned through recovery while being a hand to hold as she walked on her path. However, this time ended as my path crumbled around

me and I found myself back into my disease. My heart hurt more at this time then I could ever imagine. Our communication would come and go from there depending on how I was doing. When communication had to be shut off completely, I again was hurt, but was proud of her for doing what she needed to do for herself. Since I have gotten back from treatment, our communication has begun to increase again and I am so glad for this. I have missed her tremendously but knew we both needed to focus on ourselves. Today reminded me of those hard times, and made me look back on how my disease takes, what it gives is false, and how it ruins relationships. In recovery I have gained relationships as opposed to being sick where I lose them. I'm so grateful to have had this wake up call today. God works in mysterious ways!

What makes you want to continue fighting for recovery?

What does your addiction take from your life?

Search for Motivation

I wish I could repeat this past weekend. It was wonderful, life-changing, memorable, and exhausting all at the same time. It all started with getting on an airplane to head to Nashville, TN for a weekend at a retreat: Beyond Eating Disorders, put on by Thom Rutledge and Jules Merryman. I was shaking, having difficulty breathing, my heart skipping throughout the whole plane ride. I had been really struggling for the two weeks prior, making my treatment team throw around the words In-Patient again. I never wanted to get stuck in the pattern of going in and out of facilities. I had to make this work. I WANT to make this work! So I told myself that I would give the weekend my all in hopes of finding motivation to take another step forward.

Over the weekend, I made myself vulnerable many times, got back to eating my meal plan, saw some amazing women who mean the world to me reminding me why I want to recover: to be able to form more memories with these woman, and I found what I was looking for: MOTIVATION.

Just in a weekend of eating well again, I have felt more energized, less heart palpitations, and less light headed. It feels great! I felt loved during the short 3 days. I began to believe again that I can recover. I can be a witness to the possibility that there is a life without Ed. I can help others some day after I help myself. I can accomplish my dreams. I am worthy of all these things!

My challenge to you is to write down your passions, your dreams, your joys and tell yourself with each one that with recovery, these are possible. Because they ARE! You won't be the only one for them not to happen for, you're not that special.

Freedom

Freedom. This word carries so much power. An array of emotions and dreams. Freedom: what does this truly mean? I have had moments in my life where I thought I was experiencing freedom at the time, but looking back, I was really a prisoner. I had a fictitious thought of freedom when I had substances in me. I thought I could do anything, be anything, accomplish anything, ignore anything. But boy was I wrong. I could do anything, but the consequences always came with it. Same with my eating disorder. Restricting gave me a false sense of control. I thought I was all powerful. But reality was that I was not. Instead, I was a prisoner, entrapped within the world of disease, shame, and guilt.

You see, all these times that I thought I had freedom or control were not a reality. I was lying to myself. Now I long for true freedom. I have had glimpses of it, slight tastes. Whenever I'm playing with kids, I experience so much joy. Whenever I'm working as a physical therapist (student), I am able to get out of my head and be in the moment. I love painting and walking around with my camera, posed and ready for any moment to be captured. I've had times of enjoying new foods. Times that I've been proud of myself for turning the car around when I was about to buy alcohol (now that's a real sense of control). Other instances I have engaged in my inner child and played on a swingset, or hula hooped at the park with friends. Now all these are glimpses of freedom, time outside my head and in the world. Glimpses of a life without the disease plaguing my every thought. I long for more times like these. And I trust others when they say it will get easier. One day at a time, one moment at a time, I am looking forward to more free days.

What does freedom look like for you?

Needing a Distraction

The other day I was experiencing lots of urges...I didn't have any canvas to paint on, couldn't form the words to write for once, but I could focus on pictures. It was raining so I couldn't go take pictures myself, but I started looking through ones from the past year and made this video. I hope it reminds other, as it did me, of the good times they have been able to experience because of recovery versus a life with Ed.

Glimpses of Freedom

Yesterday I felt a bit of freedom. That glimpse of light. I felt free, and boy did it feel good! I wanted to write about this last night, but after not getting home until 1:30 and having (yes, HAVING) to upload pictures, I decided I needed to hit the hay. The day started out shopping with my second mom, friend, and fellow Renew group member. We had the same therapist at Renew and had to buy her a gift for her baby due in the next month, plus of course some good retail therapy coupled with laughter and stories. I was actually able to shop, grab two sizes not knowing which would fit me best, and pick out the one that did, not beating myself up if it was not the smaller of the two. I remember doing this at times in the past and if the smaller size did not fit me, I would refuse to buy it period and probably stomp out of the store like a 4 year old who had just gotten her favorite toy taken away. For once I felt free from the thought that I was only worthy of a new pair of jeans, or a new shirt if the smallest size fit me, with room to spare.

Following that, I went and grabbed some groceries to take home and ate some lunch before heading over to my grandparents house to visit with them. On my drive home, I was talking with a friend of mine whom attended the Beyond Eating Disorders retreat in March. We were both talking about what freedom we were experiencing now in comparison to then. She said that she really did not feel that Ed had any hold on her any more and that she felt that she was able to eat whatever she wanted and exercise freely without Ed’s nasty thoughts bringing her down. This idea just made my jaw drop. I long to have that feeling as well. While I have made tremendous strides in the past month since the retreat, I cannot yet say that I feel free, yet I do feel that I am in more control. Yes, ME. Not the fake control that Ed convinces me that I have when I am listening to him. I am the one making the final decisions. In fact, I made a decision to eat a major fear food after leaving my grandparents house for the first time in years. And guess what, it was delicious, I didn’t even spontaneously combust like my mind told me I would.

After surviving the experience of the fear food, I went to City Market to meet up with another friend. We walked around, looking for fresh produce, spices and of course went in our favorite place: The Nut House. Well, that’s what we like to call it. It’s a middle eastern shop with a ton of different types of nuts and dried fruit. I love tasting new ones that I haven’t had before. I remember the first time I went there. I was counting every nut I ate to make sure to log it later, but yesterday I did not care. I tasted, and I ate some that I bought as well. Not keeping track. Again, experiencing freedom from a number that was not going to rule me!

Then came the spontaneous part of the day. Just a week prior, I had found out that my prior mentee was visiting a nearby school where she would be attending college in the fall. So I made the last minute decision to go down and visit her and attend the African Opera that would be held that night. So that was victory number 1 of the trip to Nevada, MO: just deciding to make 2 hour trip, last minute, without having planned it a month in advance, and inviting a mutual friend of ours to come as well. After raiding my friend’s closet when I went to pick her up in order to find a dress to wear for the night, it was decided that I needed some heels, not the flip flops I was wear. Good thing the Plaza was nearby where I could run into ALDO and buy a new pair of heels before heading off. Spontaneous decision numero dos.

After the heels were bought and my friend could now approve of my outfit (ok only joking, slightly), we were on our way to the thriving metropolis of Nevada, MO. Well, somewhat. First we had to stop at Panera to grab dinner, then get lost trying to find a gas station that my GPS told me was only .2 miles away but EVENTUALLY we were on our way. We passed some cows, many carpet outlets (who needs that much carpet for the run down barns, I’m not sure!), lots of nothing, and a little bit more of nothing. But the drive was filled with a lot of laughter, near choking experiences while taking a drink and laughing at the same time, and good music. We finally arrived to Cottey College where we attacked our friend with giant hugs, causing the people behind us at the door to have to wait. Finally, we got to meet face to face and I was filled with joy! You see, I was suppose to meet her about a month and a half ago but my relapse kept me from doing so. Ed truly does take, and recovery truly does give! Cheryl is right on with that quote!

We had a night filled with an African Opera, which we could definitely relate to our recovery and the King’s evil ways (Ed) to deceive his kingdom. Yet with the support of those around her, the main character was able to prevail and be true to herself and gain more out of life then she probably ever dreamed. Talk about recovery all in a two act play. The music and dancing were great but most importantly was the company I had. I just so much enjoyed the entire night, even the drive home in the dark (I get scared driving in the dark in the middle of nowhere). The spontaneous, random pictures afterward of course were a blast! I was present in the moment the majority of the night. I was able to enjoy the company around me and I felt loved. I felt life, freedom, and that glimpse of hope of something greater.

New Life

My good friend and author of “One Life,” Naomi Feigenbaum, writes about her journey in recovery and how we are given one life, one chance and our abilities to make the best of it through recovery, rediscovering who we are and embracing that person. What I find to be interesting is how we are given one life, yet I feel like recovery has given me a NEW life. Not only have I been able to form new relationships that are irreplaceable, but I have been able to find my passion in life. I know my desire to help people, to bring a smile to someone’s face, to be there as ears to listen and arms to hug. These longings are burning inside of me now in place of the dead, empty space I had before.

Another thing that is interesting though is how we can then break down new life into a new day. Every morning the sun rises, no matter what happened the day before, the sun always rises. My favorite mornings are ones that I wake up to having slept with my window open (as I am tonight) and hear birds chirping, or look outside and see the turkey or deer in the backyard having their breakfast. It’s so calm and serene. This new day brings about new opportunities. New chances. New risks to take but excitement to go with them.

What is a “day” though? Does it start at the time your alarm goes off and end when you go to bed? I don’t think so. I think the day can start and restart multiple times. Sometimes we just need to take a breath and say to ourselves “Ok. I’m restarting the day and I’m going to make the most of it!”

Fight On!

It has just been one of those evenings...you know, one of those when you wish parts of life were just a little easier. Or that you could take a break from recovery just for the day so that you can surpass the day of uncomfortable feelings that seem to be accompanying it so that you can focus on something else (school/finals in my case). But alas, I have learned that this "just for the day" syndrome is not a "just for the day." So fight on I have. But yes, it has been uncomfortable. Thoughts have plagued my mind. Fight on. Lies have crept in. Fight on. Some things just don't seem to be going as planned. Fight on. Those "rules" seem impossible to break. Fight on....fight on!

Through all the self talk, affirmations, prayers, music, I have managed to fight on. I sit here eating my night time snack reflecting back on the day and feel some pride. I did fight on. The thoughts were there, but they did NOT rule over me. My faith pulled me through. In listening to Mark Schutlz's "He will Carry Me" tonight, I found that hope:

And even though I’m walkin’ through
The valley of the shadow
I will hold tight to the hand of Him
Whose love will comfort me
And when all hope is gone
And I’ve been wounded in the battle
He is all the strength that I will
Ever need
And He will carry me

God carried me through the day. He gave me the strength to fight on!

Relapse to Realtiy

“I want this to be something that you can do, feel good about, that is realistic.” It was with these words from my dietitian that I gained back some exercise privileges after the hardest, quickest, and most daunting relapse I have ever had. While for a runner, a short walk seems like nothing, this walk was more then just a walk. It was a symbol of trust. My dietitian trusted me to maintain certain conditions in order to walk. It was a symbol of progression. It was a symbol of recovery. Reality had hit, and I was back on the road of recovery, a road that I was afraid had completely disappeared. I road that I had almost come to the conclusion I did not deserve. A road that my eating disorder had lied to me about saying that it was worse then his road. Well, he was and is wrong! The road of recovery, while unknown, scary, and hard to walk down, is also a road with flowers lining it instead of thistles, a road with sunlight to show the way at times instead of a darkness that not only blinded my eyes but also my heart, a road that leads to freedom, to laughter, to love and to life.