Adios Ed, A Reflection

A year ago I wrote a Goodbye letter to Ed. Reading over this, I can feel the emotions that I felt when I wrote it. Remember the anxiety, the fear of giving up something so precious to me, yet so detrimental to my future, a future that I longed for. A part of me really did not want to say 'goodbye' but instead wanted to keep just a little hold on, even if only by a string. There was comfort in my disease. A security in knowing that if I felt unsafe, out of control, misunderstood, or ashamed that I could run back to my blanket and again feel protected.
I did not know that after writing that letter, I would have some big falls before I had my major turn of heart in December. I did not know I would drink many times before I decided that October 23rd would be the date that I would stay sober one day at a time. I did not know anything when I wrote that letter. But I did know one thing, I wanted a future and that is one thing that I still know today. However, there is one thing that is a little stronger today as well: I see that future unfolding. The future excites me more then it scares me. I know I will have some struggles, but I also know how I will deal with them. I don't hate the person I am today, I'm actually starting to like who I am.
So today's letter to Ed would be much shorter. It would simply say this:

Dear Ed,
Thank you for all that you have done in my life. It might seem odd to some that I am thanking you, but today I can see the blessings you have brought, or at least the blessings God has brought into my life because of you. I have learned who I am, what I want from life, what I value, and how to appreciate life.  While there are certain aspects I will probably always miss about you when it comes to body image, I'm not willing to trade anything to get those aspects back. So Ed, it's been a long, hard, roller-coaster ride, but I'm sorry my friend, I'm getting off. Adios!

20 Lessons Learned

A lot has changed in the past year. It's been a roller coaster ride. Up, down, all around. Throughout all the chaos though, I've managed to come out with a lot of lessons learned and I thought I'd share 20 that I came up with today.

1. Don’t give up before the miracle happens: it’s more then just a quote I’ve heard a thousand times. It’s truly a motto I’ve learned to live from and something that has come true in my life. I’ve been so close to giving up on life and have given up on recovery at times but this past December, I was just about ready to give up on recovery yet again. My depression was just so bad, recovery was so hard, I didn’t know if I could do it. But I kept pressing forward and things started to change. My miracle happened and my turning point hit.

2. Always follow my mentor’s advice. There has yet to be a time that my reason to not follow it turned out to be reasonable and the right choice.

3. Alcohol does not fix problems, it only adds to them and changes your sobriety date.

4. Always bring 3 sizes of pants into the dressing room.

5. I truly am insane without my higher power.

6. I deserve forgiveness.

7. I really am not that special- Thanks to Thom Rutledge for that one!

8. I DESERVE recovery

9. The simple joys in life make it worth waking up every morning. These can be as small as doggy kisses, enjoying coffee with a friend, having a shoulder to cry on and actually feeling better for crying, noticing the colors of a sunset and feeling the sun on your face on a nice spring day.

10. I can survive without coffee. In fact, I now am not awake until I eat breakfast.

11. I can accept myself where I am. Afterall, I’m not going to move forward if I can’t accept where I am in the now first.

12. Peanut butter goes with everything! Ok, maybe not EVERYthing, but A LOT of things.

13. God is my strength and without Him, I would not be where I am today. I have to start and end my day with Him.

14. Feelings don’t kill, what you do to avoid feelings can.

15. It is possible to eat fast food as well as other meals out in one week, and not engage in other behaviors, and still not gain weight.

16. By nature, I am selfish and self-centered, but with God’s help, I can work to overcome these defects and become a more helpful person.

17. My perception of my body is truly skewed. What I see in the mirror is NOT reality no matter how many times Ed tries to tell me it is.

18. I’m ok with things not being perfect. Yes, it might still bother me at times, but overall, I actually like not feeling like I have to put so much pressure on myself all the time.

19. Having to take a leave from school for a year is not the end of the world. In fact, it has allowed me to gain my life back.

20. Others believe in me, and I believe others, therefore I can believe in myself.

Is This Really Happening?!?

Someone please pinch me. I don’t think this life I’m living can really be mine. It’s too good to be true. It’s St. Patty’ day, I’m sober, I went to a St Patrick’s Day Parade, by myself and left sober after just missing my friends since they didn’t get there until just before I had to leave. I cried on my drive to meet up with a friend while talking to another friend about her recent relapse. I hurt me so much to know the pain she must be experiencing. Yet the hurt I felt did not cause me to drink, cut, to engage in ED. Instead I ate lunch with my friend even though she had already eaten. Then we went on a walk and laughed, real laughter. Later in the day I found myself craving frozen yogurt. A craving?!? Something I would have run from in the past if I experienced at all. I definitely wouldn’t have texted or set my facebook status in a way to find someone to go get fro yo with me. When I had almost lost all hope in finding someone, that same friend that I had hung out with earlier, whom I had met in IOP, said she would love to get frozen yogurt with me. So we hit it up. Three flavors, gummy bears, tapioca, and sprinkles later I felt good. Not anxious. Not guilty. But good. I was happy. We had eaten it together. Who would have thought that the two girls that rocked in the corner on the night of a meal challenge or that sat at Applebee’s crying through a meal would go out for frozen yogurt together for FUN and laugh and talk throughout it, not shake and stare off in space. After AA, I headed home to have corned beef and cabbage for dinner: the traditional St. Patrick’s Day dinner of which I have not participated in for awhile. On that drive home, I called both my sponsor and mentor either in tears or near tears, in awe. This is not the life I have lived. When did my life change? My sponsor said “It sounds like the effects of having a God in your life and using Him.” She could not be more than right. My mentor said to me “I told you one day it would just click. I believe today is your day.” Today is my click-day.

Wow. I am speechless. I wish I could explain to everyone what this feeling feels like. It is truly like nothing I have ever felt before. It’s like I have suddenly woke up from a deep sleep that I’ve been in for years. But the sky is bluer, the grass is greener, the jokes are funnier, relaxing is more restful and friendships are more meaningful. Everything is worth more to me. I appreciate every part of life a little more. God, I hope I’m not imaging this.

Clean Slate

10....9....8....7....6....

As we counted down last night, my stomach was turning. Not with excitement of a new year but with anger. 2011. A year I had been looking forward to for quite some time but for the past week, I had suddenly started resenting the year. 2011 was the year I was "suppose to" graduate from PT school, move to Cali, get a job I loved, and start really living MY life but as the end of 2010 came to a close I looked at what I was doing with my life and it was not at all close to that picture. I am not graduating in 2011, I have had to stop school and move in with my parents in Kansas City after treatment, I'm still in therapy many days of the week, if not in therapy, I'm at AA meetings (which don't get my wrong, I love the friends I've made there and wouldn't trade them for the world) and I don't feel like I'm living the life I want at all right now.

5....4....3...2...1....

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

So I could choose to sit in self-pity? Crying to myself about how my life sucks right now. But instead, I am choosing to look at 2011 as a clean slate. This is a new year with new opportunities. I get the chance to go back to school in April if I work my butt off between now and then. This is something to look forward to, not take for granted. I get to shape my future how I want it to be, while in recovery. I mean, how awesome is that! Ya, it's hard work, but a future in recovery is a lot less miserable then a future in my eating disorder, or a future using some type of substance. It all begins today, with this clean slate. I get to paint on it however I feel. And it's ok to mess up every once in awhile. It's all a part of the process. Two of the biggest lessons I learned in 2010 are 1). I'm not invisible and 2). I can pick myself up when I fall. I will take those two lessons with me into this year along with acceptance, self forgiveness and willingness.

Spiritual Experience

In AA or other 12 step programs, we often talk about having spiritual experiences. (Note: 'spiritual' does not have to mean God or religion.) I have had many throughout my life that have allowed my faith to remain through everything I have been through. Yes, it does get shaky at times and there have been times that I have completely shut him out, putting blame where it did not belong. At times I questioned my faith, wondering if there really was a God that loved me unconditionally, or if I was deserving of this so called love.

In the past week, I have begun to fall into this self pitying place of rejection of my faith, questioning my beliefs, and placing blame in God's hands. When I hit these places, it gets ugly really fast. I turn into a person I am not. I get angry with others, and myself, quickly, I become dishonest through withholding the truth, behaviors increase, urges increase, I say things I regret, and I blame it on anyone but myself.

A therapist gave me an assignment the other day and I had to report into her t

he next day to say whether I had done the following:

1. Journaled twice

2. Prayed 3 times

3. Followed my meal plan 100%

I hadn't done them all in completion but I had done parts of each which was better then what I was doing prior. My morning prayer went something like this: "God, I'm only praying because I've been told to. I don't really know what you can do for me right now. I'm not sure I want to get better. The fear outweighs the benefits in my mind. However, if you should feel so inclined to give me some motivation, that'd be great. Amen."

When I got home that day, I decided God wasn't going to answer that prayer. I concluded that I was "meant to" continue acting out on my behaviors. But then I got on facebook where I

had the following message:

I know I've never met you, but I was contacting you because I'm really inspired by you! You seem so confident and happy now, and even going to all the ed conferences and things that just makes me believe you are very strong in your recovery. I recently saw Rita Frickel at the creighton cardiac center, (now doing partial at childrens hospital) but when I was there I thought about how you were doing grad school at Creighton and thought I might ask for tips :) I'm super motivated and doing okay in treatment, but on the outside its SO much harder and being in college the support is not there like in high school and growing up. How did you find support? How are you doing now? I won't load you with questions, but I hope to hear from you. Thanks for the inspiration :)

There is no way this girl knows how much those words meant to me. Yes, up until the last 5 or 6 days, I had been doing really well. I was motivated. I saw a reason tot recover. But somewhere things flipped again. This message showed me again why I want to recover. I want to be able to get more messages like this (not that I'm greedy and wanting messages but its the principle behind it). I want to help people. I want to be an effective advocate, living by my words. I want to publish a book. I have all these dreams and this message awakened me to them yet again. So guess what, God did answer that prayer and it was a reminder that things don't always happen in my time, but in His, my higher power's.

What are your dreams?

How do you connect with your spiritual life? Do you need to reconnect?

Blame...on ME?!?

I was sitting at an AA meeting at noon today. It was a topic meeting. The lady that introduced the topic talked about all kinds of things that I could relate to, but one stood out to me more than others: Blame. This past weekend, I was planning to go to Chicago for Alumni Day at Timberline Knolls, the residential treatment facility I went to. I was excited to staff, maybe instill some hope on the residents, but most of all, excited to see my best friend from treatment, Emily.

First it was my parents to voice their opinions about my best interests...aka they didn't agree with me going due to recent actions and lack of control over them. So I decided at this time, after talking to my mentor and seeing that she agreed with them, that I would shorten my trip to only 2 days/only 1 day overnight. Yes, I was staying in a hotel by myself, but I would be ok. I would just attend a meeting Friday night to keep myself in the right mindset. I would leave my credit card at home. I wouldn't bring anything with me I could easily cut with. I was finding everything to convince myself that I would be ok. I canceled the second day at the hotel and for a couple days, thought that would be my plan.

The day before I was suppose to go, I talked with girls at IOP along with the therapist. I suddenly got a reaction "You're staying alone?!?" I guess it was a big deal with everyone's reactions. I really couldn't be trusted on my own. It was again highly suggested that I didn't go. Right then and there, I picked up my phone and called to cancel the hotel reservation entirely. I made the decision not to go, with a lot of pushes behind me.

On Friday, the day I was suppose to leave, I was very depressed. I moped a

round the house. Ate, slept, ate, slept...that's all I could do. I didn't have any energy. I just wanted to disappear. For once I wasn't blaming others. I saw that the situation was my own fault and I was upset about that. However, I could not change the past. With a little motivation from my lovely mentor, I decided to finally get out of bed and do something productive. I had a nice break outside then moved on with my day. As stated, I cannot change the past, however, I can make my future. I can learn from this. My actions do have consequences. I can continue to act the way I have been lately, or I can turn things around so I don't miss out on more opportunities in the future. Life is truly a gift. In my disease, these gifts are not realized. I choose to live. I choose to enjoy these moments. I choose to recover.

Clearing the Fog

It has again been a long time between posts. I just haven't found much to blog about. I have however been working on my book a lot. Have a proposal mostly done plus have a few chapters underway. This excites me a lot. I'm actually doing something toward accomplishing my dream. I have so many dreams. However, in the past they were merely that: dreams. Something I hoped to do but doubted my ability to do so. I can see some of them now. Granted they are still pretty dull, they are there. They get clearer with little steps forward. You see, my dreams can never be accomplished with my eating disorder, alcoholism, cutting or prescription drug use. They fog over the dreams. All that is left is my addictions. They are my life, my friend, my control, my everything. With each small step away from them, the fog begins to clear and those dreams can be seen.This weekend has been full of highs and lows. Friday night, I attended a baseball game with my parents. I planned on getting ice cream to challenge myself and to enjoy. I was craving it and thought I'd listen to my body for once and get what I wanted. I kept repeating "this fits in my meal plan." Self talk was crucial. So I stood in line for about 15-20 minutes only to have them run out one person in front of me. This little thing caused me to push everything aside and say "Forget it. It wasn't mean to be." (I use this "it wasn't meant to be" way too often). I instantly texted my mentor. After talking with her I decided to walk to another stand. "I can do this!" Standing in this line, my anxiety rose. As I approached the cashier, I felt the tears start and ran away. This was the end. I "failed." (At least that's what I thought.) After beating myself up for awhile, I decided to move on. I stood in line after all, that's improvement.

On Saturday I attended the University of Missouri football game. (GO TIGERS!)

During a bathroom break, I noticed a Dippin Dots stand. The wheels started turning and I realized I could make up for last nights events this night. So I went back to my seat, sat there for awhile, then told my parents my idea. I knew at this time that I needed to get it now before I chickened out. So I asked my parents if they wanted any and I went down to the stand. I again stood in line for at least 20 minutes. But this time I did not run away. I placed my order. Got a size I felt safe with. Then went back up to my seat to enjoy it. It had be

en many years since I had gotten one of these. I got my favorite flavor too: Banana Split. I'm happy to say that I ate it slowly, concentrating on the taste and enjoying each bite.

I finished this challenge with pride. I had overcome a hurdle. While it's important to do this challenge again as one time does not eliminate fears, I know that I did it once and can again. I did not die. I didn't even have an anxiety attack. Staying in the moment, I accomplished a goal, and today I feel good. I'm happy. Not restricting because of eating it yesterday. Instead, I'm telling you that challenges can be accomplished. I reached out for support from my mentor. Told my parents of my challenge and showed them my empty cup after so I could get a little praise. I'm not afraid to ask for a congrats now. I deserve it and you do too!

Another Wake Up Call

It has been awhile since I've written. There are many reasons for this...writer's block, struggles, time constraints, and fear. I feel like I've been on a roller coaster. This isn't that uncommon for me but a lot of times I change roller coasters and have a little break between the two. However, this time I've been on the same one for quite some time. Never staying in one place for an extended period until the last two weeks, when the coaster stopped suddenly after a hill. To be honest, I've been struggling and starting to fall into a deep relapse. This is not something I'm proud to admit to others. I'm especially not proud to admit that there have been days when I didn't want to move out of this dark place. For the past couple weeks this has been the case. I've refused to do what I'm told to do, not even wanting to look at or confess that my disease does have negative outcomes. My mentor has been wonderful and said so many encouraging, and tough love statements but I just let it go in one ear and out the other. My treatment team has told me what I need to do, and I do the complete opposite. I know this needs to change, however I couldn't find the motivation to do that.

Today something hit me though. I met up with a friend of mine. Someone that I hold very dear to my heart. Someone I've had many ups and downs with. I had a wonderful afternoon laughing and really being in the moment, not worrying about what I was going to do or not do later in the day. It was after dropping her off that I began to reflect on the day and the past. There was a time when she looked up to me and my recovery. I felt so honored and privileged to be able to teach her what I had learned through recovery while being a hand to hold as she walked on her path. However, this time ended as my path crumbled around

me and I found myself back into my disease. My heart hurt more at this time then I could ever imagine. Our communication would come and go from there depending on how I was doing. When communication had to be shut off completely, I again was hurt, but was proud of her for doing what she needed to do for herself. Since I have gotten back from treatment, our communication has begun to increase again and I am so glad for this. I have missed her tremendously but knew we both needed to focus on ourselves. Today reminded me of those hard times, and made me look back on how my disease takes, what it gives is false, and how it ruins relationships. In recovery I have gained relationships as opposed to being sick where I lose them. I'm so grateful to have had this wake up call today. God works in mysterious ways!

What makes you want to continue fighting for recovery?

What does your addiction take from your life?

Freedom

Freedom. This word carries so much power. An array of emotions and dreams. Freedom: what does this truly mean? I have had moments in my life where I thought I was experiencing freedom at the time, but looking back, I was really a prisoner. I had a fictitious thought of freedom when I had substances in me. I thought I could do anything, be anything, accomplish anything, ignore anything. But boy was I wrong. I could do anything, but the consequences always came with it. Same with my eating disorder. Restricting gave me a false sense of control. I thought I was all powerful. But reality was that I was not. Instead, I was a prisoner, entrapped within the world of disease, shame, and guilt.

You see, all these times that I thought I had freedom or control were not a reality. I was lying to myself. Now I long for true freedom. I have had glimpses of it, slight tastes. Whenever I'm playing with kids, I experience so much joy. Whenever I'm working as a physical therapist (student), I am able to get out of my head and be in the moment. I love painting and walking around with my camera, posed and ready for any moment to be captured. I've had times of enjoying new foods. Times that I've been proud of myself for turning the car around when I was about to buy alcohol (now that's a real sense of control). Other instances I have engaged in my inner child and played on a swingset, or hula hooped at the park with friends. Now all these are glimpses of freedom, time outside my head and in the world. Glimpses of a life without the disease plaguing my every thought. I long for more times like these. And I trust others when they say it will get easier. One day at a time, one moment at a time, I am looking forward to more free days.

What does freedom look like for you?