Overcoming Fear

From the time I was really young, I used to hide from my fears. The comfort of being under my bed, surrounded by my stuffed animals, on my pink carpet, in the darkness, always seemed to make everything bearable. As I got older, I would run away. Run to the woods behind our house. Or just outside to our backyard where I would cry with my dog. Or I'd just sprint down the street and back. The fear seemed to disappear, at least for the moment. However, it wasn't until recently that I realized that it never really disappeared. In fact, it always came back heavier. Making me feel heavier. And more scared.

Today my fears are much bigger then when I was younger. I fear relapse, abuse, moving, never finding love, never being comfortable in my own skin, gaining weight, not getting a good job, not being able to move back to NYC, etc. While in some aspects, these fears keep me grounded, at times they can become all encompassing. I have days I don't want to leave my room, or even my bed, because the outside world is just too scary. Or other times that I become so focus on body image in order to avoid thinking about what's really underneath, which is often one of my fears. Other days I'll bury myself in work in order to avoid my feelings, my thoughts and my phone. 

These past 5 months, while living in NYC, have been different though. Yes, I've had my fears, A LOT of them, but I've tried to act opposite of them.  I've lived in a city where my temptations stare me in the face constantly. Where fashion and the external appearance seems to be of upmost importance. When I first moved here, that's all I could focus on. I constantly compared myself to others. All I could see is what they had that I did not have. I lost focus of all the things in my life that I do have. The things I've been so freely given. The blessings I have. Before I knew it, I was in this place of thinking I was never going to be good enough, pretty enough, skinny enough, rich enough... to do anything. Fear of the future overwhelmed me. But what did I do? I kept stepping forward, as uncomfortable as it was. I kept speaking about my feelings, even though it wasn't always nice words. I asked for help. I didn't let my fears lead me into the darkness. 

This pattern is one that I'm sure I'll continue to have throughout my life, but I'm learning how to deal with it. Again this past week, I've had a lot of fear come over me as I again move to Wyoming for 5 months for another clinical. I'm scared to leave New York, a place that has become safe for me. A place that has become my home. However, I know its temporary. I know that I don't have to look at the whole picture either. I just have to stay in today. And enjoy today. Because today is all I have right now. Why should I be overtaken by fear and lose the one day I know I have? As my best friend always quoted "Today is a gift, that's why we call it the present." Cheesy, but true. 

Clearing the Fog

It has again been a long time between posts. I just haven't found much to blog about. I have however been working on my book a lot. Have a proposal mostly done plus have a few chapters underway. This excites me a lot. I'm actually doing something toward accomplishing my dream. I have so many dreams. However, in the past they were merely that: dreams. Something I hoped to do but doubted my ability to do so. I can see some of them now. Granted they are still pretty dull, they are there. They get clearer with little steps forward. You see, my dreams can never be accomplished with my eating disorder, alcoholism, cutting or prescription drug use. They fog over the dreams. All that is left is my addictions. They are my life, my friend, my control, my everything. With each small step away from them, the fog begins to clear and those dreams can be seen.This weekend has been full of highs and lows. Friday night, I attended a baseball game with my parents. I planned on getting ice cream to challenge myself and to enjoy. I was craving it and thought I'd listen to my body for once and get what I wanted. I kept repeating "this fits in my meal plan." Self talk was crucial. So I stood in line for about 15-20 minutes only to have them run out one person in front of me. This little thing caused me to push everything aside and say "Forget it. It wasn't mean to be." (I use this "it wasn't meant to be" way too often). I instantly texted my mentor. After talking with her I decided to walk to another stand. "I can do this!" Standing in this line, my anxiety rose. As I approached the cashier, I felt the tears start and ran away. This was the end. I "failed." (At least that's what I thought.) After beating myself up for awhile, I decided to move on. I stood in line after all, that's improvement.

On Saturday I attended the University of Missouri football game. (GO TIGERS!)

During a bathroom break, I noticed a Dippin Dots stand. The wheels started turning and I realized I could make up for last nights events this night. So I went back to my seat, sat there for awhile, then told my parents my idea. I knew at this time that I needed to get it now before I chickened out. So I asked my parents if they wanted any and I went down to the stand. I again stood in line for at least 20 minutes. But this time I did not run away. I placed my order. Got a size I felt safe with. Then went back up to my seat to enjoy it. It had be

en many years since I had gotten one of these. I got my favorite flavor too: Banana Split. I'm happy to say that I ate it slowly, concentrating on the taste and enjoying each bite.

I finished this challenge with pride. I had overcome a hurdle. While it's important to do this challenge again as one time does not eliminate fears, I know that I did it once and can again. I did not die. I didn't even have an anxiety attack. Staying in the moment, I accomplished a goal, and today I feel good. I'm happy. Not restricting because of eating it yesterday. Instead, I'm telling you that challenges can be accomplished. I reached out for support from my mentor. Told my parents of my challenge and showed them my empty cup after so I could get a little praise. I'm not afraid to ask for a congrats now. I deserve it and you do too!