Overcoming Fear

From the time I was really young, I used to hide from my fears. The comfort of being under my bed, surrounded by my stuffed animals, on my pink carpet, in the darkness, always seemed to make everything bearable. As I got older, I would run away. Run to the woods behind our house. Or just outside to our backyard where I would cry with my dog. Or I'd just sprint down the street and back. The fear seemed to disappear, at least for the moment. However, it wasn't until recently that I realized that it never really disappeared. In fact, it always came back heavier. Making me feel heavier. And more scared.

Today my fears are much bigger then when I was younger. I fear relapse, abuse, moving, never finding love, never being comfortable in my own skin, gaining weight, not getting a good job, not being able to move back to NYC, etc. While in some aspects, these fears keep me grounded, at times they can become all encompassing. I have days I don't want to leave my room, or even my bed, because the outside world is just too scary. Or other times that I become so focus on body image in order to avoid thinking about what's really underneath, which is often one of my fears. Other days I'll bury myself in work in order to avoid my feelings, my thoughts and my phone. 

These past 5 months, while living in NYC, have been different though. Yes, I've had my fears, A LOT of them, but I've tried to act opposite of them.  I've lived in a city where my temptations stare me in the face constantly. Where fashion and the external appearance seems to be of upmost importance. When I first moved here, that's all I could focus on. I constantly compared myself to others. All I could see is what they had that I did not have. I lost focus of all the things in my life that I do have. The things I've been so freely given. The blessings I have. Before I knew it, I was in this place of thinking I was never going to be good enough, pretty enough, skinny enough, rich enough... to do anything. Fear of the future overwhelmed me. But what did I do? I kept stepping forward, as uncomfortable as it was. I kept speaking about my feelings, even though it wasn't always nice words. I asked for help. I didn't let my fears lead me into the darkness. 

This pattern is one that I'm sure I'll continue to have throughout my life, but I'm learning how to deal with it. Again this past week, I've had a lot of fear come over me as I again move to Wyoming for 5 months for another clinical. I'm scared to leave New York, a place that has become safe for me. A place that has become my home. However, I know its temporary. I know that I don't have to look at the whole picture either. I just have to stay in today. And enjoy today. Because today is all I have right now. Why should I be overtaken by fear and lose the one day I know I have? As my best friend always quoted "Today is a gift, that's why we call it the present." Cheesy, but true. 

Dreams

I have had many dark days in the past 4 or 5 months, not all days, but more then I would have wished for. However, that darkness has a bit of light to it right now. While it might just be a flicker of a candle, it is light. It has hope. It contains a flame that not only burns on the wick, but also in my heart. My heart desires more. It has been broken, yet God offers to repair it still, even after everything I've done. Everyone I've hurt. He still mends. But not only does He mend, He gives me even more. He gives me strength, desire and dreams, or rather awakens me to all those that the darkness had overshadowed. My dreams that I have had before had been shut off. They were no longer dreams but almost had become nightmares. Fear of achieving them had overcome me. Now that I realize that, I have pulled down the fear and can see the excitement that it was covering up. Yes, the future is scary in that it is unknown, but it has endless opportunities as well. As I head to bed tonight, my dreams are full of desire, passion, and trust that God has me in His hands so there is no reason to fear. Its all going to be alright.

Arms That Hold The Universe- Fee

I know it seems
Like this could be
The darkest day you've known
But believe you me
The God of strength
Will never let you go
He will overcome, I know

And the arms that hold the universe
Are holding you tonight
You can rest inside
It's gonna be alright
And the voice that calmed the raging sea
Is calling you His child
So be still and know He's in control
He will never let you go

Through many dangers, toils and snares
You have already come
His grace has brought you safe this far
(And) His grace will lead you home

And the arms that hold the universe
Are holding you tonight
You can rest inside
It's gonna be alright
And the voice that calmed the raging sea
Is calling you His child
So be still and know He's in control
He will never let you go

You can hope, you can rise, you can stand
He has still got the whole world in His hands
You can hope, you can rise, you can stand
He's still got the whole world, the whole world in His hands

And the arms that hold the universe
Are holding you tonight
You can rest inside
It's gonna be alright
And the voice that calmed the raging sea
Is calling you His child
So be still and know He's in control
He will never let you go

He will never let you go

(He's) Still got the whole world in His hands
in His hands, yeah
Still got the whole world in His hand