Pushing through the Battle

Photo credit: Me!

I sometimes live within a double standard. I tell others to write or talk about their struggles but I find myself hiding in my own little world when I am struggling. I do talk to my sponsor, mentor, therapist, etc but I don't often share outside of those handful of people that I am struggling. I get this idea in my head that I have to be a strong statue of recovery. A warrior. Beating my battles. Not falling down. I forget what I tell my mentor all the time: that what I love about her is that she is real with me. She doesn't hide when she has her struggles. I am able to relate to her, feel that I can be honest with her, because I see her as a human being, not as a robot. 

So I have not written since I moved back to school. I knew this would be a tough transition but I did not realize to what extreme, or how I would need to brace myself. Things that I thought would be hard turned out to be easier and things I thought would be easy turned out to be hard. It goes to show that you never know what life will bring. While restricting has been a small problem, the biggest problem is my head space. I'm finding Ed lurking in every corner. Or even yet, the larger problem is that sometimes I don't even see him but he is there. I'm lucky in that I have others who are able to see him for me, not everyone has that. He gets in my head, picks my body apart, finds ways for me to avoid eating or just procrastinate eating. Slowly destroying any bit of confidence I had built up over the past year. Making me believe I am unworthy of the support I have, or the love I receive. Thoughts that isolation would be better off for everyone so that I don't cause pain for them. When I step back and look at my thoughts though, I can see that they are not mine. Those are thoughts of my disease. MY thoughts are ones of recovery, ones of life, hope, dreams and a future. So despite the discomfort, the tears during meals, the arguments on the phone, I keep pushing through. My RD may have given me permission to run X number of days this week, but I know deep down that if I do that many times, it's going to go straight to me head, especially since the last 3 weeks I haven't been able to run at all. So for my own recovery, for my own life, I will drop that number down because in the grand scheme of things, a couple weeks of running is not going to make a difference but a couple weeks of relapsing can take awhile to get out of and that's IF the relapse stops right away. I'm grateful to have people in my life to help me make these rational decisions. 

I was reminded yesterday of how bad my life was last year. I do NOT want to go back to that point. I will keep pushing through because no matter how hard the battle is, no matter how bad my day is today, my worst day today is still better then my best day a year ago. 

Why do you keep pushing through the battle? What helps you?

Embarking on a Journey

I am currently using Panera's WiFi, 30 minutes away from Timberline Knolls, where I will be starting residential treatment. So many thoughts are swarming around my head. All I can do is write to get them out...

Increased level of care, those words still ring in my mind. Words that came out of my therapists mouth less than 2 weeks ago. She was not going to see me on an outpatient basis until I had a

higher level of care. I've had 3 years of outpatient treatment, why now? Why is it that I seem to keep winding in a circle, watching the world pass around me, not able to make sense of my own reality. I was very angry when she first told me this, but now I'm hoping it will be a blessing in disguise. I am sick of this winding life. Sick of the every day battles that could be so much easier if Ed didn't have such a grip on me. Just the other day at a ballgame, my dad spent 30 minutes walking around with me until we found somewhere that I could eat, somewhere that Ed would allow. This is not how I want my life to be. I want to experience life, not watch it pass by. I want to live. I want to laugh, a real laugh, not just a small laugh that covers up the pain inside. I want to love: love myself and others.

I'm about to leave to finish the driving journey, only to start a new journey. One that brings me much anxiety but that I know God will hold me through. While it will be awhile before I'm back again, I will continue to believe, hope and trust that this journey will lead me to something greater, something more rich and more full. What can you do to show your believe, hope and trust in your life??

Dreams

I have had many dark days in the past 4 or 5 months, not all days, but more then I would have wished for. However, that darkness has a bit of light to it right now. While it might just be a flicker of a candle, it is light. It has hope. It contains a flame that not only burns on the wick, but also in my heart. My heart desires more. It has been broken, yet God offers to repair it still, even after everything I've done. Everyone I've hurt. He still mends. But not only does He mend, He gives me even more. He gives me strength, desire and dreams, or rather awakens me to all those that the darkness had overshadowed. My dreams that I have had before had been shut off. They were no longer dreams but almost had become nightmares. Fear of achieving them had overcome me. Now that I realize that, I have pulled down the fear and can see the excitement that it was covering up. Yes, the future is scary in that it is unknown, but it has endless opportunities as well. As I head to bed tonight, my dreams are full of desire, passion, and trust that God has me in His hands so there is no reason to fear. Its all going to be alright.

Arms That Hold The Universe- Fee

I know it seems
Like this could be
The darkest day you've known
But believe you me
The God of strength
Will never let you go
He will overcome, I know

And the arms that hold the universe
Are holding you tonight
You can rest inside
It's gonna be alright
And the voice that calmed the raging sea
Is calling you His child
So be still and know He's in control
He will never let you go

Through many dangers, toils and snares
You have already come
His grace has brought you safe this far
(And) His grace will lead you home

And the arms that hold the universe
Are holding you tonight
You can rest inside
It's gonna be alright
And the voice that calmed the raging sea
Is calling you His child
So be still and know He's in control
He will never let you go

You can hope, you can rise, you can stand
He has still got the whole world in His hands
You can hope, you can rise, you can stand
He's still got the whole world, the whole world in His hands

And the arms that hold the universe
Are holding you tonight
You can rest inside
It's gonna be alright
And the voice that calmed the raging sea
Is calling you His child
So be still and know He's in control
He will never let you go

He will never let you go

(He's) Still got the whole world in His hands
in His hands, yeah
Still got the whole world in His hand