Truth or Lie

Recovery is a journey

Yesterday I got the random idea to go back and read old blogs from this time in 2010, aka the point in time where shit was hitting the fan, where life was becoming unmanageable, where I prayed each day for God to take me in my sleep. I was expecting to relive this horror a little through these readings, end up in tears, call my mentor and her ask me what the heck I was thinking when I went back to read them. First of all, there was 13 posts...13 in April alone! Apparently I was a writing fool while being a full time student. These writings included:

* a video of pictures showing why recovery is better then a life with Ed
* logs of my life in "recovery"
* talk about the "great strides" I had made
* info "following the guidelines" required for the prep/post colonoscopy I had done
* talk about relationships being better
* my desire to continue fighting
* many other positive, inspiring comments....

Who was I lying to? Others? Most definitely. Myself? Possibly. Did I really have myself convinced that everything was ok? Looking back now, I can see my life at this time from the outside. I can see it spinning out of control. I can see my depression, my misery, my giving up. However, I honestly think that at that time, I thought everything ok. I really was lying to myself as much as I was lying to everyone else. I put on such a mask that I had myself confused as to who was the real Jenn.

I'm so grateful that I don't have to lie to myself or other today. I am able to be myself and feel my emotions. When I'm feeling down, I'm ok with telling someone else that as I know they will not judge me. It's so much easier to just be myself then trying to keep 18 stories straight with who I told what to. Today I can say that I truly am grateful for recovery. Yes, I do still have my struggles, mostly with body image in particular, but I choose not to act on it these days. I do still have days that I choose sweat pants over jeans because yes, I'm not perfect and I'm still a work in progress, but that's ok. I haven't given up. I thankful for my willingness to put one foot in front of the other. Even if just for today. After all, today is what matters.

Embarking on a Journey

I am currently using Panera's WiFi, 30 minutes away from Timberline Knolls, where I will be starting residential treatment. So many thoughts are swarming around my head. All I can do is write to get them out...

Increased level of care, those words still ring in my mind. Words that came out of my therapists mouth less than 2 weeks ago. She was not going to see me on an outpatient basis until I had a

higher level of care. I've had 3 years of outpatient treatment, why now? Why is it that I seem to keep winding in a circle, watching the world pass around me, not able to make sense of my own reality. I was very angry when she first told me this, but now I'm hoping it will be a blessing in disguise. I am sick of this winding life. Sick of the every day battles that could be so much easier if Ed didn't have such a grip on me. Just the other day at a ballgame, my dad spent 30 minutes walking around with me until we found somewhere that I could eat, somewhere that Ed would allow. This is not how I want my life to be. I want to experience life, not watch it pass by. I want to live. I want to laugh, a real laugh, not just a small laugh that covers up the pain inside. I want to love: love myself and others.

I'm about to leave to finish the driving journey, only to start a new journey. One that brings me much anxiety but that I know God will hold me through. While it will be awhile before I'm back again, I will continue to believe, hope and trust that this journey will lead me to something greater, something more rich and more full. What can you do to show your believe, hope and trust in your life??

Angels

"For he will order his angels
to protect you wherever you go.
They will hold you up with their hands
so you won’t even hurt your foot on a stone." Psalm 91: 11-12

Angels. I remember watching 'Touched by an Angel' every Sunday night as a young girl, wondering if I would ever experience something like that. I have read about angels, been told about angels, but never felt like I had one in my life until the end of 2009. But even then, I didn't realize that this person that God sent into my life was my angel. It wasn't until recently that I had this revelation. Psalm 91 says that God will send us angels to protect us, lift us up so we don't get hurt. In my case, my angel did more then protect me, she helped show me the way. If I did get hurt, she was there. God sent her at a time in my life that I did not realize the impact she would truly have on me. We laughed, until we cried. We talked about the most random things. She was like my big sister that I always wanted. Then when I did need her, she was already there. God had already placed her in my life and formed a relationship that was trusting, loving (unconditionally), and real. Nothing could break the bond that held our hearts together because that hold was God, faith and love. While distance can separate, pain can cut through, disease in whatever form can fence off a relationship, there is still something connecting us I believe. Something that can never be broken. My angel saved my life. It might be cliche, but its 100% true. If my angel had not appeared when she did, the bond wouldn't have formed, the trust wouldn't have developed and the secrets wouldn't have been told. Then when I truly needed the angel, I would have run away, but I couldn't. God kept the tie between us tied. Whether it's through talking now, or remember old things said, reading past journals, listening to music that reminds me of her, my angel's purpose will forever reign in my heart and mind.

So yes, I do believe in angels, and I know I have been touched by an angel.