Needing a Distraction

The other day I was experiencing lots of urges...I didn't have any canvas to paint on, couldn't form the words to write for once, but I could focus on pictures. It was raining so I couldn't go take pictures myself, but I started looking through ones from the past year and made this video. I hope it reminds other, as it did me, of the good times they have been able to experience because of recovery versus a life with Ed.

NEDA Walk

My personal page is up and running for our NEDA walk that myself and two others have been putting together. If you would like to donate it would be much appreciated. http://neda.nationaleatingdisorders.org/site/TR/NEDAWalk/General?px=1031126&pg=personal&fr_id=1160

Just click on "support" and go from there!

Even better would be to be a participant yourself. To do so visit: http://neda.nationaleatingdisorders.org/site/TR?fr_id=1160&pg=entry

and click to register as an individual participant. It would be great to see some familiar faces out there walking with me! :-)

Glimpses of Freedom

Yesterday I felt a bit of freedom. That glimpse of light. I felt free, and boy did it feel good! I wanted to write about this last night, but after not getting home until 1:30 and having (yes, HAVING) to upload pictures, I decided I needed to hit the hay. The day started out shopping with my second mom, friend, and fellow Renew group member. We had the same therapist at Renew and had to buy her a gift for her baby due in the next month, plus of course some good retail therapy coupled with laughter and stories. I was actually able to shop, grab two sizes not knowing which would fit me best, and pick out the one that did, not beating myself up if it was not the smaller of the two. I remember doing this at times in the past and if the smaller size did not fit me, I would refuse to buy it period and probably stomp out of the store like a 4 year old who had just gotten her favorite toy taken away. For once I felt free from the thought that I was only worthy of a new pair of jeans, or a new shirt if the smallest size fit me, with room to spare.

Following that, I went and grabbed some groceries to take home and ate some lunch before heading over to my grandparents house to visit with them. On my drive home, I was talking with a friend of mine whom attended the Beyond Eating Disorders retreat in March. We were both talking about what freedom we were experiencing now in comparison to then. She said that she really did not feel that Ed had any hold on her any more and that she felt that she was able to eat whatever she wanted and exercise freely without Ed’s nasty thoughts bringing her down. This idea just made my jaw drop. I long to have that feeling as well. While I have made tremendous strides in the past month since the retreat, I cannot yet say that I feel free, yet I do feel that I am in more control. Yes, ME. Not the fake control that Ed convinces me that I have when I am listening to him. I am the one making the final decisions. In fact, I made a decision to eat a major fear food after leaving my grandparents house for the first time in years. And guess what, it was delicious, I didn’t even spontaneously combust like my mind told me I would.

After surviving the experience of the fear food, I went to City Market to meet up with another friend. We walked around, looking for fresh produce, spices and of course went in our favorite place: The Nut House. Well, that’s what we like to call it. It’s a middle eastern shop with a ton of different types of nuts and dried fruit. I love tasting new ones that I haven’t had before. I remember the first time I went there. I was counting every nut I ate to make sure to log it later, but yesterday I did not care. I tasted, and I ate some that I bought as well. Not keeping track. Again, experiencing freedom from a number that was not going to rule me!

Then came the spontaneous part of the day. Just a week prior, I had found out that my prior mentee was visiting a nearby school where she would be attending college in the fall. So I made the last minute decision to go down and visit her and attend the African Opera that would be held that night. So that was victory number 1 of the trip to Nevada, MO: just deciding to make 2 hour trip, last minute, without having planned it a month in advance, and inviting a mutual friend of ours to come as well. After raiding my friend’s closet when I went to pick her up in order to find a dress to wear for the night, it was decided that I needed some heels, not the flip flops I was wear. Good thing the Plaza was nearby where I could run into ALDO and buy a new pair of heels before heading off. Spontaneous decision numero dos.

After the heels were bought and my friend could now approve of my outfit (ok only joking, slightly), we were on our way to the thriving metropolis of Nevada, MO. Well, somewhat. First we had to stop at Panera to grab dinner, then get lost trying to find a gas station that my GPS told me was only .2 miles away but EVENTUALLY we were on our way. We passed some cows, many carpet outlets (who needs that much carpet for the run down barns, I’m not sure!), lots of nothing, and a little bit more of nothing. But the drive was filled with a lot of laughter, near choking experiences while taking a drink and laughing at the same time, and good music. We finally arrived to Cottey College where we attacked our friend with giant hugs, causing the people behind us at the door to have to wait. Finally, we got to meet face to face and I was filled with joy! You see, I was suppose to meet her about a month and a half ago but my relapse kept me from doing so. Ed truly does take, and recovery truly does give! Cheryl is right on with that quote!

We had a night filled with an African Opera, which we could definitely relate to our recovery and the King’s evil ways (Ed) to deceive his kingdom. Yet with the support of those around her, the main character was able to prevail and be true to herself and gain more out of life then she probably ever dreamed. Talk about recovery all in a two act play. The music and dancing were great but most importantly was the company I had. I just so much enjoyed the entire night, even the drive home in the dark (I get scared driving in the dark in the middle of nowhere). The spontaneous, random pictures afterward of course were a blast! I was present in the moment the majority of the night. I was able to enjoy the company around me and I felt loved. I felt life, freedom, and that glimpse of hope of something greater.

Reflection on the day

I've been doing a lot of thinking in the last hour, reflecting back on the day. It has kinda been a long one, but short at the same time. I slept through my alarm (apparently my body was still a little knocked out from the past 48 hours before that), and then rushed to get ready to go home because I had a meeting with a counselor in Overland Park at 2:30. It was neat to meet with this counselor. She is doing a lot of research for a presentation she is giving at a coming conference. It was just nice to sit down, talk about my experiences, knowing that she was going to use that information to hopefully help others. That is my dream: that I make it through all of these trials now with my perfectionism, eating disorder, anxiety, self-harm, etc so I can really truly show hope to others and help them find a place of healing. While I'm making great strides, I know I still have a ways to go because I'm a ways from where I want to be. One thing she asked was if I could picture myself without my perfectionism, and for once I was able to say yes. I told her that while its a far off picture, almost dream-like, I am able to picture it now.

I then had a nice time shopping for some clothes for my clinical with my mom before picking up my dad at the airport. We then went to dinner and I really felt like I was part of the experience for once. I wasn't having to self talk my way through every bite. I was present in the moment. And now, I sit here writing this with my dog curled up along my side thinking how grateful I am to be where I'm at. I am loved. I am supported. I have faith. I believe in myself. I have passions and desires. I wish for more, but am enjoying the moments that I experience now. My future is mine and I can't wait to see where it brings me.

Life is Hard, but Worth it

Life is definitely hard sometimes. There are curveballs thrown when you least expect them, or least want them. Days when you just want to lay around and relax, but you can't. The last 2 hours have been extremely hard for me. The prep for the colonoscopy was really triggering but I knew that I needed to take care of myself and do exactly what was told of me, so I did. Yes, I was extremely exhausted from fighting all day, but I did it. Why? Because one day of letting Ed have control is 1. never just one day, 2. one day too many, 3. another day of opportunities for me that I have lost. Life

is too short, too precious and too wonderful to spend any more of it with his rules. So I'm slowly breaking them. Slowly embracing the life I was made to have. So now I'm having to battle getting back on my normal eating as currently every bit of food has made me curl into a ball in pain, but I will continue to eat in small portions. Pushing through the pain just a little bit each time. I know my body needs it. It was made to need energy through food.

It's been awhile since I've written as things have been really busy this week with finishing up school then I was just really taking some time for myself. I spent a couple days, while still staying on track with recovery, not focusing so much on eating disordered things. I got a pedicure. I did some painting. I took pictures on a walk. I talked with friends. I spent time at church laughing with people I love. I lived life! Life without Ed knocking at my door 24 hours out of the day. It's a glorious reminder of what life can be, and what God intended for it to be.

New Life

My good friend and author of “One Life,” Naomi Feigenbaum, writes about her journey in recovery and how we are given one life, one chance and our abilities to make the best of it through recovery, rediscovering who we are and embracing that person. What I find to be interesting is how we are given one life, yet I feel like recovery has given me a NEW life. Not only have I been able to form new relationships that are irreplaceable, but I have been able to find my passion in life. I know my desire to help people, to bring a smile to someone’s face, to be there as ears to listen and arms to hug. These longings are burning inside of me now in place of the dead, empty space I had before.

Another thing that is interesting though is how we can then break down new life into a new day. Every morning the sun rises, no matter what happened the day before, the sun always rises. My favorite mornings are ones that I wake up to having slept with my window open (as I am tonight) and hear birds chirping, or look outside and see the turkey or deer in the backyard having their breakfast. It’s so calm and serene. This new day brings about new opportunities. New chances. New risks to take but excitement to go with them.

What is a “day” though? Does it start at the time your alarm goes off and end when you go to bed? I don’t think so. I think the day can start and restart multiple times. Sometimes we just need to take a breath and say to ourselves “Ok. I’m restarting the day and I’m going to make the most of it!”

Fight On!

It has just been one of those evenings...you know, one of those when you wish parts of life were just a little easier. Or that you could take a break from recovery just for the day so that you can surpass the day of uncomfortable feelings that seem to be accompanying it so that you can focus on something else (school/finals in my case). But alas, I have learned that this "just for the day" syndrome is not a "just for the day." So fight on I have. But yes, it has been uncomfortable. Thoughts have plagued my mind. Fight on. Lies have crept in. Fight on. Some things just don't seem to be going as planned. Fight on. Those "rules" seem impossible to break. Fight on....fight on!

Through all the self talk, affirmations, prayers, music, I have managed to fight on. I sit here eating my night time snack reflecting back on the day and feel some pride. I did fight on. The thoughts were there, but they did NOT rule over me. My faith pulled me through. In listening to Mark Schutlz's "He will Carry Me" tonight, I found that hope:

And even though I’m walkin’ through
The valley of the shadow
I will hold tight to the hand of Him
Whose love will comfort me
And when all hope is gone
And I’ve been wounded in the battle
He is all the strength that I will
Ever need
And He will carry me

God carried me through the day. He gave me the strength to fight on!

Relapse to Realtiy

“I want this to be something that you can do, feel good about, that is realistic.” It was with these words from my dietitian that I gained back some exercise privileges after the hardest, quickest, and most daunting relapse I have ever had. While for a runner, a short walk seems like nothing, this walk was more then just a walk. It was a symbol of trust. My dietitian trusted me to maintain certain conditions in order to walk. It was a symbol of progression. It was a symbol of recovery. Reality had hit, and I was back on the road of recovery, a road that I was afraid had completely disappeared. I road that I had almost come to the conclusion I did not deserve. A road that my eating disorder had lied to me about saying that it was worse then his road. Well, he was and is wrong! The road of recovery, while unknown, scary, and hard to walk down, is also a road with flowers lining it instead of thistles, a road with sunlight to show the way at times instead of a darkness that not only blinded my eyes but also my heart, a road that leads to freedom, to laughter, to love and to life.

Recovery as a Marathon

A friend just sent this to me and I HAD to share! Its so empowering. As a runner, I feel so much power when I run the distances that I never dreamed I could. Finishing races with a healthy body that can take me those distances is the most freeing thing I've experienced in my life. Recovery takes time, patience, work, HARD work. It takes walking the walk, not just talking the talk. There may be pain, but the reward is worth every ounce of pain. Freedom. Love. Laughter. Relationships. Its all worth it!

a modern fairy tale

Once upon a time, in a kingdom not unlike ours there was a common serving boy with dreams of knighthood. In those days, you had to be a knights son to be trained as a knight. Sometimes if a dragon was slain or a particularly clever irrigation system was invented they would make an exception. But you had to be extraordinarily lucky since dragons were few and far between and this was before American Idol had been invented.

One day, on the advice of his wizard, the king made a new decree. All through the land it was proclaimed;

"Any person who can complete a marathon will be granted a wish from the king. This offer is good as long as the kingdom stands and the offer is open to all."

This was exciting news. The whole country was abuzz. Everyone wanted a wish from the king. Everyone made plans to run the marathon.

The marathons were to be held once a year. The boy signed up for the first one. Surprisingly there were few names on the list.

"I'll do the next one" said a friend, "I'm pretty busy right now".

"I'm not sure if I want the king to make me a knight or a minstrel, so I'm going to wait till I figure out which I should be" said another.

"My boyfriend wants me to wait till he can run it too said a pretty lass."

And so on the first marathon only half the town showed up. When the bell was rung, they started running the 26 miles they had to complete. (this was before the metric system). After about 2 miles, the first person gave up. At about 5 miles the boy was too exhausted to go on. He crawled for awhile till he passed out. No one from their town finished the marathon.

The next day, people were talking again, about how the king had set an impossible task. It was obvious that as many people could run marathons as could slay dragons. The general populace went back to living the way they did before.

A year later though, a skinny tailor won it. And the year after that a couple other people did. They all had their wishes granted. Still the people did not hope because many had tried and most had failed. They were not genetically predisposed to running marathons. They were a short and stocky people.

One day a knight came to town to talk about how he won the marathon.

The town hall was full because people always have dreams. The knight shared his secret:

"Almost no one can run a marathon at first try." he said and everyone nodded their heads at this truth. "No matter how hard you try." And the boy knew this was true because he had tried with all his heart but that had only taken him to mile 5. "but I know a secret that will help you pass the marathon" said the knight and everyone leaned forward.

"when I ran my first marathon, after 2 miles it became impossible and I quit. I went home defeated. But the next day I woke up mad because I am not a quitter and so I went back to where the marathon was held and though no one was there, I ran it again. And this time it was even harder because I had blisters, but I ran it anyways and at 2 miles it became impossible again and I went home defeated. Because I am stubborn, I came back the next day and ran it again. I did this all week purely because my nickname is stubborn joey. After a week though, I found that I could run 3 miles. So I was a little encouraged. I resolved to complete the marathon for my own pride and every day I ran and every week I found I ran a little farther. When the next year's marathon came around, I failed yet again, but this time I got to 18 miles before I had to quit. I ran every day until the next marathon and suddenly and easily I won the next marathon. As you can see, the king granted me my wish, I am a knight".

The people were angry.

"We want a proper secret!" they yelled. No one wanted to run everyday for 2 years.

"but don't you see?" the knight told everyone still listening "you can have your dream, you can have anything you want if you just dedicate some time to it every day. Even a little daily effort will get you closer to your dream. You just have to learn to push yourself a little farther every day. It's not that hard once you get used to it"... but by that time the only person who was listening was the boy.

So the boy resolved to train for the marathon. He ran a mile every day for a couple days... then things got busy and he told himself he would run 4 miles on the weekend when he had more time, but he ended up going to the beach with his friends. He always intended to start running again, maybe tomorrow or for sure by next week. He never gave up on his dream, he bought some very nice running shoes and did a lot of research about running. He did a lot of planning and made a lot of resolutions. But he rarely actually went running. He thought of himself as a runner and was bitterly critical of other people who trained and he was especially bitter about the people who won marathons. He drank a lot of ale and grew heavier but he kept telling himself that one day he would start training again, he would run the marathon.

Finally years later, he found the knight who gave the speech and he asked him how the king granted his wish.. did he rub a lamp and a genie came out? Did he wave a magic wand? The knight explained that the king sent him to see the wizard who told him this:

"You have already learned the secret to getting what you wish in life. Almost any change you desire can be brought about by daily practice. While your goals may seem impossible at first, with enough faithful training you can achieve them. Now go and spread this knowledge."

And the boy who was now a man became angry and hit the knight with a rock because he really didn't want to hear that the power to change his own life was in his own hands.

A great sadness fell over the knight because no one wanted to hear the fantastic truth and also he had just been hit with a rock.

and while the knight went on to live happily ever after, very few other people did.

Start Over and Washed Clean

My mind is somewhat foggy tonight. Ed thoughts are filling it, but I am battling against them. I deserve better and I want better, therefore I will fight for better. However, it is tiring to fight and does cause my mind to become slightly overwhelmed. So where else do I go but to my itunes play list where the first song that starts playing is "Start Over Again" by Addison Road. The lyrics start off as:

Open up your eyes
Awake, arise
Love like a hand reaches down
And pulls us up from the dirty ground
Now is the time
To step from the dark into the light
Cause you can’t change what you’ve done

But you can choose who you’ll become

(CHORUS)
Every moment is a second chanceAt starting over, at starting over
Move from the past to the present tense
You can start over, start over again

If you feel ashamed
Of the choices that you’ve made
You can be whole again
And return to your innocence

It is perfect for the day. Yesterday was just an ordinary day, but today we woke up in remembrance of Christ's rising. His death symbolizes all our sins being washed away. Guilt, pride, ignorance, idols, perfectionism, addictions. He takes them all away if I allow it. Our pastor asked today if we truly believed in the resurrection. This question caught me off guard because I mean, obviously I believe. But then he went on to say how if we truly believed, then we would not worry about the little parts of life, we would give over our sins, because we know that we exit from this life instantly into the our next, eternally with God. Later he posed the question of: "What are you doing with your life?" Again this got me thinking, and overthinking, then back to reality. Right now, I am proud to say that I'm gaining my life back. While I may at times "feel ashamed of the choices I've made" today Christ rose so I "can be whole again and return to innocence." I can make whatever I want of my life. The opportunities are endless. The canvas of my life is blank, I can paint it however I like. This excites me. While there may be some things that come up that I don't necessarily want on my canvas, I can always develop it into something new. Everything that happens does not have to be the end of that happening; instead it can continue to develop into something greater, better; something that I desire and that God wishes for me.

Angels

"For he will order his angels
to protect you wherever you go.
They will hold you up with their hands
so you won’t even hurt your foot on a stone." Psalm 91: 11-12

Angels. I remember watching 'Touched by an Angel' every Sunday night as a young girl, wondering if I would ever experience something like that. I have read about angels, been told about angels, but never felt like I had one in my life until the end of 2009. But even then, I didn't realize that this person that God sent into my life was my angel. It wasn't until recently that I had this revelation. Psalm 91 says that God will send us angels to protect us, lift us up so we don't get hurt. In my case, my angel did more then protect me, she helped show me the way. If I did get hurt, she was there. God sent her at a time in my life that I did not realize the impact she would truly have on me. We laughed, until we cried. We talked about the most random things. She was like my big sister that I always wanted. Then when I did need her, she was already there. God had already placed her in my life and formed a relationship that was trusting, loving (unconditionally), and real. Nothing could break the bond that held our hearts together because that hold was God, faith and love. While distance can separate, pain can cut through, disease in whatever form can fence off a relationship, there is still something connecting us I believe. Something that can never be broken. My angel saved my life. It might be cliche, but its 100% true. If my angel had not appeared when she did, the bond wouldn't have formed, the trust wouldn't have developed and the secrets wouldn't have been told. Then when I truly needed the angel, I would have run away, but I couldn't. God kept the tie between us tied. Whether it's through talking now, or remember old things said, reading past journals, listening to music that reminds me of her, my angel's purpose will forever reign in my heart and mind.

So yes, I do believe in angels, and I know I have been touched by an angel.

God's Love

What makes me aware of God's love?

This question was posed at Celebrate Recovery tonight which got me thinking....

God's love runs deep. It is unconditional. Forgiving. Grace giving. God's love does not start and stop with the rising and setting of the sun. It does not have boundaries. Even in the darkness, God's love is there. While it easy for me to feel God's love outdoors as I see his works of beauty and feel the warmth of the sun on my face, it is at the times of darkness when his love feels greatest. When I cannot see the light, his love becomes that light. Music plays in the background as I write this, telling of God's love.

God's love is beyond measure. Words cannot begin to describe its depths.

You are a Child of Mine- Mark Schultz

I’ve been hearing voices
Telling me that I could
Never be what I wanna be.
They’re binding me with lies,
Haunting me at night,
And saying there’s nothing to believe.
Somewhere in the quietness,
When I’m overcome with loneliness,
I hear You call my name.
And like a father You are near
And as I listen I can hear You say

Chorus:
You are a child of Mine
Born of My own design
And you bear the heart of life.
No matter where you go,
Oh, you will always know
You have been made free in Christ.
You are a child of Mine

And so I listen as You tell me who I am
And who it is I’m gonna be.
And I hang on every word,
Knowing I have heard
I am Yours and I am free
But when I am alone at night
That is when I hear the lie
You’ll never be enough
And though I’m giving into fear
If I listen I can hear You say

Chorus

I am calling…
I am calling…
I am calling…

Chorus

From one Easter to the next

As I sit at my desk, looking over to my left are two paintings I did on Easter break last year. So this brought me back to Easter a year ago...where I was at, where I thought I was going, how I thought this year would go, etc. I even went back and found my journal entry from Easter last year in which I had written down a few quotes from our pastor's sermon:

"That's the great thing about Easter. You don't have to look back at your past, your old chapters because they are gone."

"Are you looking for the one who offers freedom, energy, excitement and joy? Because He has come today!"

Regarding having faith/believing: "Its not an easier life, but a better life."

I remember the Good Friday service I went to at a church in Omaha with two of my friends. We were given big nails to carry around with us as a reminder of our sins that are forgiven through Christ's death on the cross.

But that first quote that I typed from the sermon is really striking me today: You don't have to look back at your past. How wonderful is that! While it is helpful to look back at times to see the

progress, sometimes looking back has brought be back to that place literally. A lot has happened in the past year, I have hit highs and lows, I have made and lost friends, I have developed a better relationship with my parents, my faith has been tested yet today is strong. So why stay stuck in the past? I could go back to events, days, months over the past year and get completely swiped up by them. The pain,

loneliness, depression, frustration and anger that accompanies them could swallow me. But also surrounding those times are times of laughter, laughing so hard that I can't breathe and start snorting, running in races where I felt empowered by what my body could do, crying but experiencing healing through the tears, worshiping with friends, having music speak to me in ways that words can't at concerts or even just on the radio, and many more. All of these experiences have made me who I am today and while I can look at them, I am looking and moving on. Looking forward to my future and trusting that God will continue to carry me when I need carrying and that each day

I will wake up and the sun will be rising or risen. On Easter Jesus rose and every day the sun rises as a reminder of our renewed self.