Start Over and Washed Clean

My mind is somewhat foggy tonight. Ed thoughts are filling it, but I am battling against them. I deserve better and I want better, therefore I will fight for better. However, it is tiring to fight and does cause my mind to become slightly overwhelmed. So where else do I go but to my itunes play list where the first song that starts playing is "Start Over Again" by Addison Road. The lyrics start off as:

Open up your eyes
Awake, arise
Love like a hand reaches down
And pulls us up from the dirty ground
Now is the time
To step from the dark into the light
Cause you can’t change what you’ve done

But you can choose who you’ll become

(CHORUS)
Every moment is a second chanceAt starting over, at starting over
Move from the past to the present tense
You can start over, start over again

If you feel ashamed
Of the choices that you’ve made
You can be whole again
And return to your innocence

It is perfect for the day. Yesterday was just an ordinary day, but today we woke up in remembrance of Christ's rising. His death symbolizes all our sins being washed away. Guilt, pride, ignorance, idols, perfectionism, addictions. He takes them all away if I allow it. Our pastor asked today if we truly believed in the resurrection. This question caught me off guard because I mean, obviously I believe. But then he went on to say how if we truly believed, then we would not worry about the little parts of life, we would give over our sins, because we know that we exit from this life instantly into the our next, eternally with God. Later he posed the question of: "What are you doing with your life?" Again this got me thinking, and overthinking, then back to reality. Right now, I am proud to say that I'm gaining my life back. While I may at times "feel ashamed of the choices I've made" today Christ rose so I "can be whole again and return to innocence." I can make whatever I want of my life. The opportunities are endless. The canvas of my life is blank, I can paint it however I like. This excites me. While there may be some things that come up that I don't necessarily want on my canvas, I can always develop it into something new. Everything that happens does not have to be the end of that happening; instead it can continue to develop into something greater, better; something that I desire and that God wishes for me.

From one Easter to the next

As I sit at my desk, looking over to my left are two paintings I did on Easter break last year. So this brought me back to Easter a year ago...where I was at, where I thought I was going, how I thought this year would go, etc. I even went back and found my journal entry from Easter last year in which I had written down a few quotes from our pastor's sermon:

"That's the great thing about Easter. You don't have to look back at your past, your old chapters because they are gone."

"Are you looking for the one who offers freedom, energy, excitement and joy? Because He has come today!"

Regarding having faith/believing: "Its not an easier life, but a better life."

I remember the Good Friday service I went to at a church in Omaha with two of my friends. We were given big nails to carry around with us as a reminder of our sins that are forgiven through Christ's death on the cross.

But that first quote that I typed from the sermon is really striking me today: You don't have to look back at your past. How wonderful is that! While it is helpful to look back at times to see the

progress, sometimes looking back has brought be back to that place literally. A lot has happened in the past year, I have hit highs and lows, I have made and lost friends, I have developed a better relationship with my parents, my faith has been tested yet today is strong. So why stay stuck in the past? I could go back to events, days, months over the past year and get completely swiped up by them. The pain,

loneliness, depression, frustration and anger that accompanies them could swallow me. But also surrounding those times are times of laughter, laughing so hard that I can't breathe and start snorting, running in races where I felt empowered by what my body could do, crying but experiencing healing through the tears, worshiping with friends, having music speak to me in ways that words can't at concerts or even just on the radio, and many more. All of these experiences have made me who I am today and while I can look at them, I am looking and moving on. Looking forward to my future and trusting that God will continue to carry me when I need carrying and that each day

I will wake up and the sun will be rising or risen. On Easter Jesus rose and every day the sun rises as a reminder of our renewed self.