Another Wake Up Call

It has been awhile since I've written. There are many reasons for this...writer's block, struggles, time constraints, and fear. I feel like I've been on a roller coaster. This isn't that uncommon for me but a lot of times I change roller coasters and have a little break between the two. However, this time I've been on the same one for quite some time. Never staying in one place for an extended period until the last two weeks, when the coaster stopped suddenly after a hill. To be honest, I've been struggling and starting to fall into a deep relapse. This is not something I'm proud to admit to others. I'm especially not proud to admit that there have been days when I didn't want to move out of this dark place. For the past couple weeks this has been the case. I've refused to do what I'm told to do, not even wanting to look at or confess that my disease does have negative outcomes. My mentor has been wonderful and said so many encouraging, and tough love statements but I just let it go in one ear and out the other. My treatment team has told me what I need to do, and I do the complete opposite. I know this needs to change, however I couldn't find the motivation to do that.

Today something hit me though. I met up with a friend of mine. Someone that I hold very dear to my heart. Someone I've had many ups and downs with. I had a wonderful afternoon laughing and really being in the moment, not worrying about what I was going to do or not do later in the day. It was after dropping her off that I began to reflect on the day and the past. There was a time when she looked up to me and my recovery. I felt so honored and privileged to be able to teach her what I had learned through recovery while being a hand to hold as she walked on her path. However, this time ended as my path crumbled around

me and I found myself back into my disease. My heart hurt more at this time then I could ever imagine. Our communication would come and go from there depending on how I was doing. When communication had to be shut off completely, I again was hurt, but was proud of her for doing what she needed to do for herself. Since I have gotten back from treatment, our communication has begun to increase again and I am so glad for this. I have missed her tremendously but knew we both needed to focus on ourselves. Today reminded me of those hard times, and made me look back on how my disease takes, what it gives is false, and how it ruins relationships. In recovery I have gained relationships as opposed to being sick where I lose them. I'm so grateful to have had this wake up call today. God works in mysterious ways!

What makes you want to continue fighting for recovery?

What does your addiction take from your life?

Search for Motivation

I wish I could repeat this past weekend. It was wonderful, life-changing, memorable, and exhausting all at the same time. It all started with getting on an airplane to head to Nashville, TN for a weekend at a retreat: Beyond Eating Disorders, put on by Thom Rutledge and Jules Merryman. I was shaking, having difficulty breathing, my heart skipping throughout the whole plane ride. I had been really struggling for the two weeks prior, making my treatment team throw around the words In-Patient again. I never wanted to get stuck in the pattern of going in and out of facilities. I had to make this work. I WANT to make this work! So I told myself that I would give the weekend my all in hopes of finding motivation to take another step forward.

Over the weekend, I made myself vulnerable many times, got back to eating my meal plan, saw some amazing women who mean the world to me reminding me why I want to recover: to be able to form more memories with these woman, and I found what I was looking for: MOTIVATION.

Just in a weekend of eating well again, I have felt more energized, less heart palpitations, and less light headed. It feels great! I felt loved during the short 3 days. I began to believe again that I can recover. I can be a witness to the possibility that there is a life without Ed. I can help others some day after I help myself. I can accomplish my dreams. I am worthy of all these things!

My challenge to you is to write down your passions, your dreams, your joys and tell yourself with each one that with recovery, these are possible. Because they ARE! You won't be the only one for them not to happen for, you're not that special.

Freedom

Freedom. This word carries so much power. An array of emotions and dreams. Freedom: what does this truly mean? I have had moments in my life where I thought I was experiencing freedom at the time, but looking back, I was really a prisoner. I had a fictitious thought of freedom when I had substances in me. I thought I could do anything, be anything, accomplish anything, ignore anything. But boy was I wrong. I could do anything, but the consequences always came with it. Same with my eating disorder. Restricting gave me a false sense of control. I thought I was all powerful. But reality was that I was not. Instead, I was a prisoner, entrapped within the world of disease, shame, and guilt.

You see, all these times that I thought I had freedom or control were not a reality. I was lying to myself. Now I long for true freedom. I have had glimpses of it, slight tastes. Whenever I'm playing with kids, I experience so much joy. Whenever I'm working as a physical therapist (student), I am able to get out of my head and be in the moment. I love painting and walking around with my camera, posed and ready for any moment to be captured. I've had times of enjoying new foods. Times that I've been proud of myself for turning the car around when I was about to buy alcohol (now that's a real sense of control). Other instances I have engaged in my inner child and played on a swingset, or hula hooped at the park with friends. Now all these are glimpses of freedom, time outside my head and in the world. Glimpses of a life without the disease plaguing my every thought. I long for more times like these. And I trust others when they say it will get easier. One day at a time, one moment at a time, I am looking forward to more free days.

What does freedom look like for you?

Kansas City Eating Disorder Examiner

Today I was granted a dream job! I get to share my passion of eating disorder recovery with the world! Yes that's right, I was chosen as Kansas City's Eating Disorder Examiner for Examiner, an online news distributer. I was just looking through some jobs available in Kansas City, originally looking for photography jobs when I came across Examiner. I saw that they were looking for people to write about health related topics. I thought that would be fun. Little did I know at that time that I would later see a subcategory of Eating Disorders. I use this site to share some of my experiences, but now I can post articles to spread awareness and education about this awful disease. Words cannot express how blessed I feel to be given this opportunity. Hopefully word will spread. I am just one voice, but I hope my voice can be heard by others who will then use their voice. Word can spread if we allow it to.

The website my articles will be under: http://www.examiner.com/x-59135-Kansas-City-Eating-Disorder-Examiner

Goodbye Ed

Dear Ed and all your cohorts,

I have had this screen pulled up on my computer for 3 days now, staring at the white page hoping the words would magically come. Praying that maybe I would magically wake up one morning and feel better about saying “goodbye” to you. But alas, that morning has not come. I still tremble in fear wondering what my life would ever be like without you. Yes there are all the wonderful things: freedom from body obsession and food, more fun, better relationships, closer to God, more energy, less lies or anxiety, being a better PT and having a family some day. All these things sound wonderful yet there is still a part of me that is afraid to give up the comfort, control, self-confidence, pride, worth, structure and the reliable friend you seem to be. That quick release of anxiety is addicting. However, I have to keep in mind the guilt and shame that follows. Nothing good comes from you in the long run.

You have taken away so much of my life, time that I cannot regain. I cannot take back my undergrad years, or the summer before college, or my first two years of graduate school. The longer I hold onto you, the more time I am throwing away. I never know what the day will bring, what miracles will happen, and I don’t want to miss out on any more. You make me robotic, dead to the world, merely a body walking around without a purpose. I know God has a purpose for me, a purpose that I want to follow out. I know longer wish to spend multiple days in the hospital throughout a semester. Yes, I’ve been fortunate that my teachers are understanding, but I cannot rely on that forever. I don’t wish to wake up feeling hung-over from the night before from either overdosing on meds or alcohol. You will ultimately take my life if I allow you too. I can’t have a small portion of you in my life. Sometimes I wish I could, but I know in my heart that it doesn’t work out that way.

This is why I have to tell you goodbye. I want my life back. I want all those positive things that I can have without you. It will be hard and there will probably be times that I try coming back to you out of fear and anxiety, but I know God will help me through those times. He will show me things to remind me of why I want a life with Him and not with you. He never fails me. You do. I cannot have the both of you. One gives me life and the other takes. And I want to live. So goodbye Ed, you are no longer welcome.

Dear Lord, Please help me live up my end of this letter. Give me the willingness and desire to take it one step at a time, focusing on what I will gain in a life with you instead of with Ed. Thank you.

Sincerely,

Jenn

Beginning a New Journey

I arrived at Timberline Knolls on May 17, lost, hurting sick and unsure of who I as or what I was searching for. Trembling, I signed the paperwork hoping that I had made the right decision. The relapse of my eating disorder that brought me to TK was worse than any relapse I had previously experienced. Pills and alcohol were added to my already deep rooted eating disorder.

After signing the paperwork, I made the walk from the administration building to the newly remodeled Maple

Lodge. I was greeted with an enthusiastic "Hi! Welcome to Maple" from who would become one of my most supportive BHSs. The rest of the evening was nerve racking: my first meal at TK, questioning whether I really needed to be here and meeting new people. LIttle did I know that some of those women I met on my first night would become some of my best and most trusted friends.

The next several days were filled with intake appointments, meeting my treatment team and adjusting to the schedule. The first week is a blur. I went through the motions but really struggled with whether I wanted to change or not. However, sometime in the next two months, things started to shift. While fear often overwhelmed me, I wanted to find the willingness to change. I needed to reach out for support from God to do so thought. Did I really want to let go of everything? It wasn't until about 5-6 weeks into my stay that I was able to honestly say "yes!" Praying for acceptance, working on being more gentle with myself, and challenging myself with meals, I started to see changes.

It was one day at Overeaters Anonymous that my eyes were opened to progress I had made. After reading "Acceptance was the Answer" in AA's Big Book, I looked back to my thoughts I had experienced when I read it previously. Before, acceptance was merely a dream that did not seem achievable as my perfectionism was constantly in the way. However, upon reading it the second time I began to recall times of acceptance over the past week. Times I had given into urges but not beat myself up, but instead got back on the saddle. Times I have accepted where I'm at in my recovery without saying "I should be better." Again, after doing a body racing in my last week, I saw improvements. I was able to pick out more good qualities of my personality than the lies my disease had told me for so many years, something I never thought I'd be able to do.

Today, I am back in my hometown. While I'm nervous to be out in the "real world," I'm exited to start a new leg of my recovery. I have truly began to gain my life back. I feel dreams may actually be accomplished. I have hope and a desire to live. TK has truly saved my life and I will always be eternally grateful.

Embarking on a Journey

I am currently using Panera's WiFi, 30 minutes away from Timberline Knolls, where I will be starting residential treatment. So many thoughts are swarming around my head. All I can do is write to get them out...

Increased level of care, those words still ring in my mind. Words that came out of my therapists mouth less than 2 weeks ago. She was not going to see me on an outpatient basis until I had a

higher level of care. I've had 3 years of outpatient treatment, why now? Why is it that I seem to keep winding in a circle, watching the world pass around me, not able to make sense of my own reality. I was very angry when she first told me this, but now I'm hoping it will be a blessing in disguise. I am sick of this winding life. Sick of the every day battles that could be so much easier if Ed didn't have such a grip on me. Just the other day at a ballgame, my dad spent 30 minutes walking around with me until we found somewhere that I could eat, somewhere that Ed would allow. This is not how I want my life to be. I want to experience life, not watch it pass by. I want to live. I want to laugh, a real laugh, not just a small laugh that covers up the pain inside. I want to love: love myself and others.

I'm about to leave to finish the driving journey, only to start a new journey. One that brings me much anxiety but that I know God will hold me through. While it will be awhile before I'm back again, I will continue to believe, hope and trust that this journey will lead me to something greater, something more rich and more full. What can you do to show your believe, hope and trust in your life??