Spiritual Experience

In AA or other 12 step programs, we often talk about having spiritual experiences. (Note: 'spiritual' does not have to mean God or religion.) I have had many throughout my life that have allowed my faith to remain through everything I have been through. Yes, it does get shaky at times and there have been times that I have completely shut him out, putting blame where it did not belong. At times I questioned my faith, wondering if there really was a God that loved me unconditionally, or if I was deserving of this so called love.

In the past week, I have begun to fall into this self pitying place of rejection of my faith, questioning my beliefs, and placing blame in God's hands. When I hit these places, it gets ugly really fast. I turn into a person I am not. I get angry with others, and myself, quickly, I become dishonest through withholding the truth, behaviors increase, urges increase, I say things I regret, and I blame it on anyone but myself.

A therapist gave me an assignment the other day and I had to report into her t

he next day to say whether I had done the following:

1. Journaled twice

2. Prayed 3 times

3. Followed my meal plan 100%

I hadn't done them all in completion but I had done parts of each which was better then what I was doing prior. My morning prayer went something like this: "God, I'm only praying because I've been told to. I don't really know what you can do for me right now. I'm not sure I want to get better. The fear outweighs the benefits in my mind. However, if you should feel so inclined to give me some motivation, that'd be great. Amen."

When I got home that day, I decided God wasn't going to answer that prayer. I concluded that I was "meant to" continue acting out on my behaviors. But then I got on facebook where I

had the following message:

I know I've never met you, but I was contacting you because I'm really inspired by you! You seem so confident and happy now, and even going to all the ed conferences and things that just makes me believe you are very strong in your recovery. I recently saw Rita Frickel at the creighton cardiac center, (now doing partial at childrens hospital) but when I was there I thought about how you were doing grad school at Creighton and thought I might ask for tips :) I'm super motivated and doing okay in treatment, but on the outside its SO much harder and being in college the support is not there like in high school and growing up. How did you find support? How are you doing now? I won't load you with questions, but I hope to hear from you. Thanks for the inspiration :)

There is no way this girl knows how much those words meant to me. Yes, up until the last 5 or 6 days, I had been doing really well. I was motivated. I saw a reason tot recover. But somewhere things flipped again. This message showed me again why I want to recover. I want to be able to get more messages like this (not that I'm greedy and wanting messages but its the principle behind it). I want to help people. I want to be an effective advocate, living by my words. I want to publish a book. I have all these dreams and this message awakened me to them yet again. So guess what, God did answer that prayer and it was a reminder that things don't always happen in my time, but in His, my higher power's.

What are your dreams?

How do you connect with your spiritual life? Do you need to reconnect?

Living out Values

Life. Beauty. Wonder. Hope. These all occur more frequently when I'm living out my values, following my dreams, opening my heart to life and all thatcomes with it. I was recently given a homework assignment to one week, write down all my values and the next to live them out. My values are:

*relationships

*faith

*school

*helping others

*writing

*photography

*pilates

*running

*laughing

*art

*love

*painting

*spontaneity

*freedom

*coffee with the sunrise

*sunsets

*beaches

*a good cry

*counseling

*animals

*nature

*parks

*sobriety

*the first flowers blooming in spring

*relaxing nights with friends

*living in the moment

*gifts

These all give me life. They allow me to feel connected to the world. Relatio

nships are my number one value. I get energy from others. Whether I'm doing well or struggling in my recovery, being with others is important. It's how I learn who I am, who I want to be and reminds me of my dreams. This past weekend while in NY at the NEDA conference, I formed new relationships and built on others. I felt so charged up. Despite it being a challenging weekend, I still felt hope for my future. I was reminded of my desire to do advocacy and help others. This has powered me through this week so far.

Sobriety is another value I've been experiencing. While urges get high at times, I'm glad to say that I'm over a month sober now. I am experiencing life, not numbing out to it. I have been more cognizant of being in the moment, enjoying my surroundings and being grateful for the little joys such as laughter. I ate dinner with my mentor friday night and laughed more than I have in awhile. I throughly enjoy the meal, yes ENJOYED a MEAL.

The last thing I will talk about is a message I got from a friend today. Sh

e wrote:

I have struggled since I was 11 and never got better. Even in high school, I looked perfectly fine but my behaviors were all over. After high school, totally downhill into anorexia until this past year. And you were the first person to even be able to open my eyes about life and recovery and believe it was possible. You are so true to yourself the past few years and its so beautiful Jenn. Words can't describe how much you mean to me. And I know I was a jerk in school. It wasn't you, it was me. I used to be really successful like you were in school and extracurriculars until we moved here. So I just wanted what you had. I knew darn well you probably weren't happy. I never was, but at least people admired you. You've changed my life.

It is messages like this that keep me wanting to recover. Helping others is a passion and dream of mine. It brings a spark to me, an energy that is irreplaceable.

What are your values? Your dreams? What keeps you wanting to experience life?

Dear Mommy and Daddy,

I'm so sorry for what I've put you through. I'm sorry for the

worry, the frustration, the lies, the arguments, the heartache and the distrust. You never deserved any of it. I was/still am sick. My disorder makes me so self-absorbed that I don't see how it affects other people. At times I don't even care enough about myself to stop my behaviors. It's those times that I only think they affect me. I can't change what I've done, but I hope my future dictates the appreciation, love and respect I have for you.

Love,

Jennifer

Where I Am

I’m sitting in the Baltimore airport, enjoying my Subway lunch. It only took me 15 minutes to find somewhere to eat today. In the past, I’ve spent up to 45 minutes roaming airports, trying to find a sandwich shop or anything that I felt comfortable enough eating. Normally I had to scan everything to decide what the lowest calorie item was, but today that was different. I ordered what sounded good. When I ordered my diet coke, the cashier said “Diet? You don’t need diet!” I chuckled and said thank you. This too could have

been a very triggering comment in the past, but today it wasn’t. I thought to myself “He’s right. I could make a regular soda fit into my meal plan if I wanted. “ I’m becoming confident with my meal plan. Even though I’ve had some unexplained weight gain, I’m sticking with it. I’m trusting my dietitian, trusting the plan, and trusting my knowledge that my body will work things out in it’s timing. I feel hopeful, encouraged, excited, and proud. I still have to be careful though, just because I’m in a good spot now, does not mean I can take down my guard as I haven’t been in this place for very long. Instead, it means that I use this time to challenge myself, enjoy the moment and make notes as to what true recovery feels like.

I’m waiting for my next flight to NYC for NEDA10. I’m more than excited. While I’m anxious, not knowing what to expect, the excitement is overruling the anxiety. I’m so glad to be in the place I am right now so I am able to fully embrace everything there is to be learned, taken in, and remembered. I can enjoy my time with my mentor and make new friendships without obsessing what they will think of me, whether my clothes fit ok, or what I’ll be eating for my next meal. Don’t get me wrong, some of those thoughts will surely creep in, but I know that I can push them aside because I’m stronger and better than that voice. Better t

han the voice that tells me I’m inadequate, unworthy, unlovable, fat, a disappointment. Stronger than the urges that tell me that acting upon them is the only way to feel strength and power. Even more powerful than my strength though is my faith and my desire to heal. God is here with me. He has his hand stretched out, all I have to do is reach mine toward His.

Finding Freedom

Astonished. This is how I feel right now. "What have you done with Jenn?" my mentor has asked me. Actually, Jenn has been shining this week and Ed is the one that's been thrown to the corner, punched many times, followed by a roundhouse kick. My motivation toward recovery has been greatly increased. I feel hope. Power. Strength. Excitement. I do not know what happened to cause this turn around, but I want to remember what it feels like to be at this point. I am feeling a little more free every day. Doing crazy things like eating red meat, dessert, attending a meeting out of town, and not acting on urges.

I am really speechless about it all, as a result, I won't be writing much. For anyone struggling right now, keep working hard. Things can turn around if you want them to. There is hope. You can make your life what you want. Dreams can come true. Relationships can grow. Freedome can be found.

Blame...on ME?!?

I was sitting at an AA meeting at noon today. It was a topic meeting. The lady that introduced the topic talked about all kinds of things that I could relate to, but one stood out to me more than others: Blame. This past weekend, I was planning to go to Chicago for Alumni Day at Timberline Knolls, the residential treatment facility I went to. I was excited to staff, maybe instill some hope on the residents, but most of all, excited to see my best friend from treatment, Emily.

First it was my parents to voice their opinions about my best interests...aka they didn't agree with me going due to recent actions and lack of control over them. So I decided at this time, after talking to my mentor and seeing that she agreed with them, that I would shorten my trip to only 2 days/only 1 day overnight. Yes, I was staying in a hotel by myself, but I would be ok. I would just attend a meeting Friday night to keep myself in the right mindset. I would leave my credit card at home. I wouldn't bring anything with me I could easily cut with. I was finding everything to convince myself that I would be ok. I canceled the second day at the hotel and for a couple days, thought that would be my plan.

The day before I was suppose to go, I talked with girls at IOP along with the therapist. I suddenly got a reaction "You're staying alone?!?" I guess it was a big deal with everyone's reactions. I really couldn't be trusted on my own. It was again highly suggested that I didn't go. Right then and there, I picked up my phone and called to cancel the hotel reservation entirely. I made the decision not to go, with a lot of pushes behind me.

On Friday, the day I was suppose to leave, I was very depressed. I moped a

round the house. Ate, slept, ate, slept...that's all I could do. I didn't have any energy. I just wanted to disappear. For once I wasn't blaming others. I saw that the situation was my own fault and I was upset about that. However, I could not change the past. With a little motivation from my lovely mentor, I decided to finally get out of bed and do something productive. I had a nice break outside then moved on with my day. As stated, I cannot change the past, however, I can make my future. I can learn from this. My actions do have consequences. I can continue to act the way I have been lately, or I can turn things around so I don't miss out on more opportunities in the future. Life is truly a gift. In my disease, these gifts are not realized. I choose to live. I choose to enjoy these moments. I choose to recover.

Clearing the Fog

It has again been a long time between posts. I just haven't found much to blog about. I have however been working on my book a lot. Have a proposal mostly done plus have a few chapters underway. This excites me a lot. I'm actually doing something toward accomplishing my dream. I have so many dreams. However, in the past they were merely that: dreams. Something I hoped to do but doubted my ability to do so. I can see some of them now. Granted they are still pretty dull, they are there. They get clearer with little steps forward. You see, my dreams can never be accomplished with my eating disorder, alcoholism, cutting or prescription drug use. They fog over the dreams. All that is left is my addictions. They are my life, my friend, my control, my everything. With each small step away from them, the fog begins to clear and those dreams can be seen.This weekend has been full of highs and lows. Friday night, I attended a baseball game with my parents. I planned on getting ice cream to challenge myself and to enjoy. I was craving it and thought I'd listen to my body for once and get what I wanted. I kept repeating "this fits in my meal plan." Self talk was crucial. So I stood in line for about 15-20 minutes only to have them run out one person in front of me. This little thing caused me to push everything aside and say "Forget it. It wasn't mean to be." (I use this "it wasn't meant to be" way too often). I instantly texted my mentor. After talking with her I decided to walk to another stand. "I can do this!" Standing in this line, my anxiety rose. As I approached the cashier, I felt the tears start and ran away. This was the end. I "failed." (At least that's what I thought.) After beating myself up for awhile, I decided to move on. I stood in line after all, that's improvement.

On Saturday I attended the University of Missouri football game. (GO TIGERS!)

During a bathroom break, I noticed a Dippin Dots stand. The wheels started turning and I realized I could make up for last nights events this night. So I went back to my seat, sat there for awhile, then told my parents my idea. I knew at this time that I needed to get it now before I chickened out. So I asked my parents if they wanted any and I went down to the stand. I again stood in line for at least 20 minutes. But this time I did not run away. I placed my order. Got a size I felt safe with. Then went back up to my seat to enjoy it. It had be

en many years since I had gotten one of these. I got my favorite flavor too: Banana Split. I'm happy to say that I ate it slowly, concentrating on the taste and enjoying each bite.

I finished this challenge with pride. I had overcome a hurdle. While it's important to do this challenge again as one time does not eliminate fears, I know that I did it once and can again. I did not die. I didn't even have an anxiety attack. Staying in the moment, I accomplished a goal, and today I feel good. I'm happy. Not restricting because of eating it yesterday. Instead, I'm telling you that challenges can be accomplished. I reached out for support from my mentor. Told my parents of my challenge and showed them my empty cup after so I could get a little praise. I'm not afraid to ask for a congrats now. I deserve it and you do too!