Dear Mommy and Daddy,

I'm so sorry for what I've put you through. I'm sorry for the

worry, the frustration, the lies, the arguments, the heartache and the distrust. You never deserved any of it. I was/still am sick. My disorder makes me so self-absorbed that I don't see how it affects other people. At times I don't even care enough about myself to stop my behaviors. It's those times that I only think they affect me. I can't change what I've done, but I hope my future dictates the appreciation, love and respect I have for you.

Love,

Jennifer

Where I Am

I’m sitting in the Baltimore airport, enjoying my Subway lunch. It only took me 15 minutes to find somewhere to eat today. In the past, I’ve spent up to 45 minutes roaming airports, trying to find a sandwich shop or anything that I felt comfortable enough eating. Normally I had to scan everything to decide what the lowest calorie item was, but today that was different. I ordered what sounded good. When I ordered my diet coke, the cashier said “Diet? You don’t need diet!” I chuckled and said thank you. This too could have

been a very triggering comment in the past, but today it wasn’t. I thought to myself “He’s right. I could make a regular soda fit into my meal plan if I wanted. “ I’m becoming confident with my meal plan. Even though I’ve had some unexplained weight gain, I’m sticking with it. I’m trusting my dietitian, trusting the plan, and trusting my knowledge that my body will work things out in it’s timing. I feel hopeful, encouraged, excited, and proud. I still have to be careful though, just because I’m in a good spot now, does not mean I can take down my guard as I haven’t been in this place for very long. Instead, it means that I use this time to challenge myself, enjoy the moment and make notes as to what true recovery feels like.

I’m waiting for my next flight to NYC for NEDA10. I’m more than excited. While I’m anxious, not knowing what to expect, the excitement is overruling the anxiety. I’m so glad to be in the place I am right now so I am able to fully embrace everything there is to be learned, taken in, and remembered. I can enjoy my time with my mentor and make new friendships without obsessing what they will think of me, whether my clothes fit ok, or what I’ll be eating for my next meal. Don’t get me wrong, some of those thoughts will surely creep in, but I know that I can push them aside because I’m stronger and better than that voice. Better t

han the voice that tells me I’m inadequate, unworthy, unlovable, fat, a disappointment. Stronger than the urges that tell me that acting upon them is the only way to feel strength and power. Even more powerful than my strength though is my faith and my desire to heal. God is here with me. He has his hand stretched out, all I have to do is reach mine toward His.

Finding Freedom

Astonished. This is how I feel right now. "What have you done with Jenn?" my mentor has asked me. Actually, Jenn has been shining this week and Ed is the one that's been thrown to the corner, punched many times, followed by a roundhouse kick. My motivation toward recovery has been greatly increased. I feel hope. Power. Strength. Excitement. I do not know what happened to cause this turn around, but I want to remember what it feels like to be at this point. I am feeling a little more free every day. Doing crazy things like eating red meat, dessert, attending a meeting out of town, and not acting on urges.

I am really speechless about it all, as a result, I won't be writing much. For anyone struggling right now, keep working hard. Things can turn around if you want them to. There is hope. You can make your life what you want. Dreams can come true. Relationships can grow. Freedome can be found.

Blame...on ME?!?

I was sitting at an AA meeting at noon today. It was a topic meeting. The lady that introduced the topic talked about all kinds of things that I could relate to, but one stood out to me more than others: Blame. This past weekend, I was planning to go to Chicago for Alumni Day at Timberline Knolls, the residential treatment facility I went to. I was excited to staff, maybe instill some hope on the residents, but most of all, excited to see my best friend from treatment, Emily.

First it was my parents to voice their opinions about my best interests...aka they didn't agree with me going due to recent actions and lack of control over them. So I decided at this time, after talking to my mentor and seeing that she agreed with them, that I would shorten my trip to only 2 days/only 1 day overnight. Yes, I was staying in a hotel by myself, but I would be ok. I would just attend a meeting Friday night to keep myself in the right mindset. I would leave my credit card at home. I wouldn't bring anything with me I could easily cut with. I was finding everything to convince myself that I would be ok. I canceled the second day at the hotel and for a couple days, thought that would be my plan.

The day before I was suppose to go, I talked with girls at IOP along with the therapist. I suddenly got a reaction "You're staying alone?!?" I guess it was a big deal with everyone's reactions. I really couldn't be trusted on my own. It was again highly suggested that I didn't go. Right then and there, I picked up my phone and called to cancel the hotel reservation entirely. I made the decision not to go, with a lot of pushes behind me.

On Friday, the day I was suppose to leave, I was very depressed. I moped a

round the house. Ate, slept, ate, slept...that's all I could do. I didn't have any energy. I just wanted to disappear. For once I wasn't blaming others. I saw that the situation was my own fault and I was upset about that. However, I could not change the past. With a little motivation from my lovely mentor, I decided to finally get out of bed and do something productive. I had a nice break outside then moved on with my day. As stated, I cannot change the past, however, I can make my future. I can learn from this. My actions do have consequences. I can continue to act the way I have been lately, or I can turn things around so I don't miss out on more opportunities in the future. Life is truly a gift. In my disease, these gifts are not realized. I choose to live. I choose to enjoy these moments. I choose to recover.

Clearing the Fog

It has again been a long time between posts. I just haven't found much to blog about. I have however been working on my book a lot. Have a proposal mostly done plus have a few chapters underway. This excites me a lot. I'm actually doing something toward accomplishing my dream. I have so many dreams. However, in the past they were merely that: dreams. Something I hoped to do but doubted my ability to do so. I can see some of them now. Granted they are still pretty dull, they are there. They get clearer with little steps forward. You see, my dreams can never be accomplished with my eating disorder, alcoholism, cutting or prescription drug use. They fog over the dreams. All that is left is my addictions. They are my life, my friend, my control, my everything. With each small step away from them, the fog begins to clear and those dreams can be seen.This weekend has been full of highs and lows. Friday night, I attended a baseball game with my parents. I planned on getting ice cream to challenge myself and to enjoy. I was craving it and thought I'd listen to my body for once and get what I wanted. I kept repeating "this fits in my meal plan." Self talk was crucial. So I stood in line for about 15-20 minutes only to have them run out one person in front of me. This little thing caused me to push everything aside and say "Forget it. It wasn't mean to be." (I use this "it wasn't meant to be" way too often). I instantly texted my mentor. After talking with her I decided to walk to another stand. "I can do this!" Standing in this line, my anxiety rose. As I approached the cashier, I felt the tears start and ran away. This was the end. I "failed." (At least that's what I thought.) After beating myself up for awhile, I decided to move on. I stood in line after all, that's improvement.

On Saturday I attended the University of Missouri football game. (GO TIGERS!)

During a bathroom break, I noticed a Dippin Dots stand. The wheels started turning and I realized I could make up for last nights events this night. So I went back to my seat, sat there for awhile, then told my parents my idea. I knew at this time that I needed to get it now before I chickened out. So I asked my parents if they wanted any and I went down to the stand. I again stood in line for at least 20 minutes. But this time I did not run away. I placed my order. Got a size I felt safe with. Then went back up to my seat to enjoy it. It had be

en many years since I had gotten one of these. I got my favorite flavor too: Banana Split. I'm happy to say that I ate it slowly, concentrating on the taste and enjoying each bite.

I finished this challenge with pride. I had overcome a hurdle. While it's important to do this challenge again as one time does not eliminate fears, I know that I did it once and can again. I did not die. I didn't even have an anxiety attack. Staying in the moment, I accomplished a goal, and today I feel good. I'm happy. Not restricting because of eating it yesterday. Instead, I'm telling you that challenges can be accomplished. I reached out for support from my mentor. Told my parents of my challenge and showed them my empty cup after so I could get a little praise. I'm not afraid to ask for a congrats now. I deserve it and you do too!

Another Wake Up Call

It has been awhile since I've written. There are many reasons for this...writer's block, struggles, time constraints, and fear. I feel like I've been on a roller coaster. This isn't that uncommon for me but a lot of times I change roller coasters and have a little break between the two. However, this time I've been on the same one for quite some time. Never staying in one place for an extended period until the last two weeks, when the coaster stopped suddenly after a hill. To be honest, I've been struggling and starting to fall into a deep relapse. This is not something I'm proud to admit to others. I'm especially not proud to admit that there have been days when I didn't want to move out of this dark place. For the past couple weeks this has been the case. I've refused to do what I'm told to do, not even wanting to look at or confess that my disease does have negative outcomes. My mentor has been wonderful and said so many encouraging, and tough love statements but I just let it go in one ear and out the other. My treatment team has told me what I need to do, and I do the complete opposite. I know this needs to change, however I couldn't find the motivation to do that.

Today something hit me though. I met up with a friend of mine. Someone that I hold very dear to my heart. Someone I've had many ups and downs with. I had a wonderful afternoon laughing and really being in the moment, not worrying about what I was going to do or not do later in the day. It was after dropping her off that I began to reflect on the day and the past. There was a time when she looked up to me and my recovery. I felt so honored and privileged to be able to teach her what I had learned through recovery while being a hand to hold as she walked on her path. However, this time ended as my path crumbled around

me and I found myself back into my disease. My heart hurt more at this time then I could ever imagine. Our communication would come and go from there depending on how I was doing. When communication had to be shut off completely, I again was hurt, but was proud of her for doing what she needed to do for herself. Since I have gotten back from treatment, our communication has begun to increase again and I am so glad for this. I have missed her tremendously but knew we both needed to focus on ourselves. Today reminded me of those hard times, and made me look back on how my disease takes, what it gives is false, and how it ruins relationships. In recovery I have gained relationships as opposed to being sick where I lose them. I'm so grateful to have had this wake up call today. God works in mysterious ways!

What makes you want to continue fighting for recovery?

What does your addiction take from your life?

Search for Motivation

I wish I could repeat this past weekend. It was wonderful, life-changing, memorable, and exhausting all at the same time. It all started with getting on an airplane to head to Nashville, TN for a weekend at a retreat: Beyond Eating Disorders, put on by Thom Rutledge and Jules Merryman. I was shaking, having difficulty breathing, my heart skipping throughout the whole plane ride. I had been really struggling for the two weeks prior, making my treatment team throw around the words In-Patient again. I never wanted to get stuck in the pattern of going in and out of facilities. I had to make this work. I WANT to make this work! So I told myself that I would give the weekend my all in hopes of finding motivation to take another step forward.

Over the weekend, I made myself vulnerable many times, got back to eating my meal plan, saw some amazing women who mean the world to me reminding me why I want to recover: to be able to form more memories with these woman, and I found what I was looking for: MOTIVATION.

Just in a weekend of eating well again, I have felt more energized, less heart palpitations, and less light headed. It feels great! I felt loved during the short 3 days. I began to believe again that I can recover. I can be a witness to the possibility that there is a life without Ed. I can help others some day after I help myself. I can accomplish my dreams. I am worthy of all these things!

My challenge to you is to write down your passions, your dreams, your joys and tell yourself with each one that with recovery, these are possible. Because they ARE! You won't be the only one for them not to happen for, you're not that special.