Clean Slate

10....9....8....7....6....

As we counted down last night, my stomach was turning. Not with excitement of a new year but with anger. 2011. A year I had been looking forward to for quite some time but for the past week, I had suddenly started resenting the year. 2011 was the year I was "suppose to" graduate from PT school, move to Cali, get a job I loved, and start really living MY life but as the end of 2010 came to a close I looked at what I was doing with my life and it was not at all close to that picture. I am not graduating in 2011, I have had to stop school and move in with my parents in Kansas City after treatment, I'm still in therapy many days of the week, if not in therapy, I'm at AA meetings (which don't get my wrong, I love the friends I've made there and wouldn't trade them for the world) and I don't feel like I'm living the life I want at all right now.

5....4....3...2...1....

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

So I could choose to sit in self-pity? Crying to myself about how my life sucks right now. But instead, I am choosing to look at 2011 as a clean slate. This is a new year with new opportunities. I get the chance to go back to school in April if I work my butt off between now and then. This is something to look forward to, not take for granted. I get to shape my future how I want it to be, while in recovery. I mean, how awesome is that! Ya, it's hard work, but a future in recovery is a lot less miserable then a future in my eating disorder, or a future using some type of substance. It all begins today, with this clean slate. I get to paint on it however I feel. And it's ok to mess up every once in awhile. It's all a part of the process. Two of the biggest lessons I learned in 2010 are 1). I'm not invisible and 2). I can pick myself up when I fall. I will take those two lessons with me into this year along with acceptance, self forgiveness and willingness.

Separating from Ed

I just got back from an amazing retreat put on by Thom Rutledge and Julie Merryman entitled “Beyond Eating Disorders.” It was my third time attending. I have gone into the retreat in 3 very different places in my recovery. The first time I was relapsing but was unaware of it until after the retreat. The second, I had just gotten out of residential at Timberline Knolls and was starting to struggle some after coming off a recovery high. This time, I was doing really well, getting through challenges and inspired to continue recovery so I had no idea what to expect. My mentor asked me what my goal was for the weekend. I had made goals in the past but for some reason it was much harder this time. I then realized how when I have been struggling, I tend to have difficulty separating my thoughts from Ed’s (eating disorder’s). I decided that my goal would be to have a reminder of the separation, to take notes and to blog about my experience. I will hit on 3 points: Notes taken and 2 exercises done.

Do not fret, with an eating disorder, it’s a good thing to hear a separate voice. Don’t worry, it doesn’t mean you are schizophrenic. By making this separation, it allows us to move from a place of possession where Ed receives the “I” statement to a place that Ed is speaking in the second person, a place that you can change. The reason we separate is because these thoughts/voices are NOT you. Transformation happens the more we separate.

The first exercise we did on Friday night was one in which Ed voices were talking at the recovery voices. We were told to split into two groups: Ed and Recovery. I normally choose “Ed” as it is easier for me to talk that way, after all, I hear it all day long. For the first time, I decided to be Recovery. Not only did I decide this, but I had a lot to say back toward those on the Ed side. I realized how irrational those voices are. How they are lies. Each and every one.

Another exercise was done on Saturday afternoon. This one is very hard for me to talk about but in order to get better understanding of how powerful this separation can be, I will be vulnerable. We were first told to write done 5 things that Ed is saying to us. My 5 were very different than the past. He used to just bash on body image and that was enough to get me. Now, he has to dig deeper and really strike some deep chords in order to get me to go to his side. These included:

1. Your voice is insignificant and no one cares.

2. Your body is disgusting and unattractive.

3. Why do you even try when you know you want to always run back to me?

4. You will get sexually abused again without me.

5. You do not deserve the love from your treatment team, family and friends.

We were then told to pick one person to be our Ed and one person to be our recovery voice. We positioned them where we thought those voices came from. For example, my eating disorder approaches me over my right shoulder, slightly behind me and my recovery voice sits facing me, holding my hand. These 5 statements were read to me by my eating disorder. Hearing them outloud is something totally incredible. Incredible may seem like an odd word to use. You see, while it’s hard to hear, it’s also eye opening. That voice can find exactly what hurts the most and hit it. However, I know that I’m more than that voice. I know that voice lies. Most importantly, I know that I have a future without that voice haunting me. Why? Because I have dreams, I have goals, all of which cannot be accomplished with my eating disorder, but without, they can be realized. I am NOT my eating disorder and neither are you!

What is your eating disorder telling you?

Spiritual Experience

In AA or other 12 step programs, we often talk about having spiritual experiences. (Note: 'spiritual' does not have to mean God or religion.) I have had many throughout my life that have allowed my faith to remain through everything I have been through. Yes, it does get shaky at times and there have been times that I have completely shut him out, putting blame where it did not belong. At times I questioned my faith, wondering if there really was a God that loved me unconditionally, or if I was deserving of this so called love.

In the past week, I have begun to fall into this self pitying place of rejection of my faith, questioning my beliefs, and placing blame in God's hands. When I hit these places, it gets ugly really fast. I turn into a person I am not. I get angry with others, and myself, quickly, I become dishonest through withholding the truth, behaviors increase, urges increase, I say things I regret, and I blame it on anyone but myself.

A therapist gave me an assignment the other day and I had to report into her t

he next day to say whether I had done the following:

1. Journaled twice

2. Prayed 3 times

3. Followed my meal plan 100%

I hadn't done them all in completion but I had done parts of each which was better then what I was doing prior. My morning prayer went something like this: "God, I'm only praying because I've been told to. I don't really know what you can do for me right now. I'm not sure I want to get better. The fear outweighs the benefits in my mind. However, if you should feel so inclined to give me some motivation, that'd be great. Amen."

When I got home that day, I decided God wasn't going to answer that prayer. I concluded that I was "meant to" continue acting out on my behaviors. But then I got on facebook where I

had the following message:

I know I've never met you, but I was contacting you because I'm really inspired by you! You seem so confident and happy now, and even going to all the ed conferences and things that just makes me believe you are very strong in your recovery. I recently saw Rita Frickel at the creighton cardiac center, (now doing partial at childrens hospital) but when I was there I thought about how you were doing grad school at Creighton and thought I might ask for tips :) I'm super motivated and doing okay in treatment, but on the outside its SO much harder and being in college the support is not there like in high school and growing up. How did you find support? How are you doing now? I won't load you with questions, but I hope to hear from you. Thanks for the inspiration :)

There is no way this girl knows how much those words meant to me. Yes, up until the last 5 or 6 days, I had been doing really well. I was motivated. I saw a reason tot recover. But somewhere things flipped again. This message showed me again why I want to recover. I want to be able to get more messages like this (not that I'm greedy and wanting messages but its the principle behind it). I want to help people. I want to be an effective advocate, living by my words. I want to publish a book. I have all these dreams and this message awakened me to them yet again. So guess what, God did answer that prayer and it was a reminder that things don't always happen in my time, but in His, my higher power's.

What are your dreams?

How do you connect with your spiritual life? Do you need to reconnect?

Living out Values

Life. Beauty. Wonder. Hope. These all occur more frequently when I'm living out my values, following my dreams, opening my heart to life and all thatcomes with it. I was recently given a homework assignment to one week, write down all my values and the next to live them out. My values are:

*relationships

*faith

*school

*helping others

*writing

*photography

*pilates

*running

*laughing

*art

*love

*painting

*spontaneity

*freedom

*coffee with the sunrise

*sunsets

*beaches

*a good cry

*counseling

*animals

*nature

*parks

*sobriety

*the first flowers blooming in spring

*relaxing nights with friends

*living in the moment

*gifts

These all give me life. They allow me to feel connected to the world. Relatio

nships are my number one value. I get energy from others. Whether I'm doing well or struggling in my recovery, being with others is important. It's how I learn who I am, who I want to be and reminds me of my dreams. This past weekend while in NY at the NEDA conference, I formed new relationships and built on others. I felt so charged up. Despite it being a challenging weekend, I still felt hope for my future. I was reminded of my desire to do advocacy and help others. This has powered me through this week so far.

Sobriety is another value I've been experiencing. While urges get high at times, I'm glad to say that I'm over a month sober now. I am experiencing life, not numbing out to it. I have been more cognizant of being in the moment, enjoying my surroundings and being grateful for the little joys such as laughter. I ate dinner with my mentor friday night and laughed more than I have in awhile. I throughly enjoy the meal, yes ENJOYED a MEAL.

The last thing I will talk about is a message I got from a friend today. Sh

e wrote:

I have struggled since I was 11 and never got better. Even in high school, I looked perfectly fine but my behaviors were all over. After high school, totally downhill into anorexia until this past year. And you were the first person to even be able to open my eyes about life and recovery and believe it was possible. You are so true to yourself the past few years and its so beautiful Jenn. Words can't describe how much you mean to me. And I know I was a jerk in school. It wasn't you, it was me. I used to be really successful like you were in school and extracurriculars until we moved here. So I just wanted what you had. I knew darn well you probably weren't happy. I never was, but at least people admired you. You've changed my life.

It is messages like this that keep me wanting to recover. Helping others is a passion and dream of mine. It brings a spark to me, an energy that is irreplaceable.

What are your values? Your dreams? What keeps you wanting to experience life?

Dear Mommy and Daddy,

I'm so sorry for what I've put you through. I'm sorry for the

worry, the frustration, the lies, the arguments, the heartache and the distrust. You never deserved any of it. I was/still am sick. My disorder makes me so self-absorbed that I don't see how it affects other people. At times I don't even care enough about myself to stop my behaviors. It's those times that I only think they affect me. I can't change what I've done, but I hope my future dictates the appreciation, love and respect I have for you.

Love,

Jennifer

Where I Am

I’m sitting in the Baltimore airport, enjoying my Subway lunch. It only took me 15 minutes to find somewhere to eat today. In the past, I’ve spent up to 45 minutes roaming airports, trying to find a sandwich shop or anything that I felt comfortable enough eating. Normally I had to scan everything to decide what the lowest calorie item was, but today that was different. I ordered what sounded good. When I ordered my diet coke, the cashier said “Diet? You don’t need diet!” I chuckled and said thank you. This too could have

been a very triggering comment in the past, but today it wasn’t. I thought to myself “He’s right. I could make a regular soda fit into my meal plan if I wanted. “ I’m becoming confident with my meal plan. Even though I’ve had some unexplained weight gain, I’m sticking with it. I’m trusting my dietitian, trusting the plan, and trusting my knowledge that my body will work things out in it’s timing. I feel hopeful, encouraged, excited, and proud. I still have to be careful though, just because I’m in a good spot now, does not mean I can take down my guard as I haven’t been in this place for very long. Instead, it means that I use this time to challenge myself, enjoy the moment and make notes as to what true recovery feels like.

I’m waiting for my next flight to NYC for NEDA10. I’m more than excited. While I’m anxious, not knowing what to expect, the excitement is overruling the anxiety. I’m so glad to be in the place I am right now so I am able to fully embrace everything there is to be learned, taken in, and remembered. I can enjoy my time with my mentor and make new friendships without obsessing what they will think of me, whether my clothes fit ok, or what I’ll be eating for my next meal. Don’t get me wrong, some of those thoughts will surely creep in, but I know that I can push them aside because I’m stronger and better than that voice. Better t

han the voice that tells me I’m inadequate, unworthy, unlovable, fat, a disappointment. Stronger than the urges that tell me that acting upon them is the only way to feel strength and power. Even more powerful than my strength though is my faith and my desire to heal. God is here with me. He has his hand stretched out, all I have to do is reach mine toward His.

Finding Freedom

Astonished. This is how I feel right now. "What have you done with Jenn?" my mentor has asked me. Actually, Jenn has been shining this week and Ed is the one that's been thrown to the corner, punched many times, followed by a roundhouse kick. My motivation toward recovery has been greatly increased. I feel hope. Power. Strength. Excitement. I do not know what happened to cause this turn around, but I want to remember what it feels like to be at this point. I am feeling a little more free every day. Doing crazy things like eating red meat, dessert, attending a meeting out of town, and not acting on urges.

I am really speechless about it all, as a result, I won't be writing much. For anyone struggling right now, keep working hard. Things can turn around if you want them to. There is hope. You can make your life what you want. Dreams can come true. Relationships can grow. Freedome can be found.