A year ago I wrote a Goodbye letter to Ed. Reading over this, I can feel the emotions that I felt when I wrote it. Remember the anxiety, the fear of giving up something so precious to me, yet so detrimental to my future, a future that I longed for. A part of me really did not want to say 'goodbye' but instead wanted to keep just a little hold on, even if only by a string. There was comfort in my disease. A security in knowing that if I felt unsafe, out of control, misunderstood, or ashamed that I could run back to my blanket and again feel protected.
I did not know that after writing that letter, I would have some big falls before I had my major turn of heart in December. I did not know I would drink many times before I decided that October 23rd would be the date that I would stay sober one day at a time. I did not know anything when I wrote that letter. But I did know one thing, I wanted a future and that is one thing that I still know today. However, there is one thing that is a little stronger today as well: I see that future unfolding. The future excites me more then it scares me. I know I will have some struggles, but I also know how I will deal with them. I don't hate the person I am today, I'm actually starting to like who I am.
So today's letter to Ed would be much shorter. It would simply say this:
Dear Ed,
Thank you for all that you have done in my life. It might seem odd to some that I am thanking you, but today I can see the blessings you have brought, or at least the blessings God has brought into my life because of you. I have learned who I am, what I want from life, what I value, and how to appreciate life. While there are certain aspects I will probably always miss about you when it comes to body image, I'm not willing to trade anything to get those aspects back. So Ed, it's been a long, hard, roller-coaster ride, but I'm sorry my friend, I'm getting off. Adios!
