Freedom

Freedom. This word carries so much power. An array of emotions and dreams. Freedom: what does this truly mean? I have had moments in my life where I thought I was experiencing freedom at the time, but looking back, I was really a prisoner. I had a fictitious thought of freedom when I had substances in me. I thought I could do anything, be anything, accomplish anything, ignore anything. But boy was I wrong. I could do anything, but the consequences always came with it. Same with my eating disorder. Restricting gave me a false sense of control. I thought I was all powerful. But reality was that I was not. Instead, I was a prisoner, entrapped within the world of disease, shame, and guilt.

You see, all these times that I thought I had freedom or control were not a reality. I was lying to myself. Now I long for true freedom. I have had glimpses of it, slight tastes. Whenever I'm playing with kids, I experience so much joy. Whenever I'm working as a physical therapist (student), I am able to get out of my head and be in the moment. I love painting and walking around with my camera, posed and ready for any moment to be captured. I've had times of enjoying new foods. Times that I've been proud of myself for turning the car around when I was about to buy alcohol (now that's a real sense of control). Other instances I have engaged in my inner child and played on a swingset, or hula hooped at the park with friends. Now all these are glimpses of freedom, time outside my head and in the world. Glimpses of a life without the disease plaguing my every thought. I long for more times like these. And I trust others when they say it will get easier. One day at a time, one moment at a time, I am looking forward to more free days.

What does freedom look like for you?

Kansas City Eating Disorder Examiner

Today I was granted a dream job! I get to share my passion of eating disorder recovery with the world! Yes that's right, I was chosen as Kansas City's Eating Disorder Examiner for Examiner, an online news distributer. I was just looking through some jobs available in Kansas City, originally looking for photography jobs when I came across Examiner. I saw that they were looking for people to write about health related topics. I thought that would be fun. Little did I know at that time that I would later see a subcategory of Eating Disorders. I use this site to share some of my experiences, but now I can post articles to spread awareness and education about this awful disease. Words cannot express how blessed I feel to be given this opportunity. Hopefully word will spread. I am just one voice, but I hope my voice can be heard by others who will then use their voice. Word can spread if we allow it to.

The website my articles will be under: http://www.examiner.com/x-59135-Kansas-City-Eating-Disorder-Examiner

Goodbye Ed

Dear Ed and all your cohorts,

I have had this screen pulled up on my computer for 3 days now, staring at the white page hoping the words would magically come. Praying that maybe I would magically wake up one morning and feel better about saying “goodbye” to you. But alas, that morning has not come. I still tremble in fear wondering what my life would ever be like without you. Yes there are all the wonderful things: freedom from body obsession and food, more fun, better relationships, closer to God, more energy, less lies or anxiety, being a better PT and having a family some day. All these things sound wonderful yet there is still a part of me that is afraid to give up the comfort, control, self-confidence, pride, worth, structure and the reliable friend you seem to be. That quick release of anxiety is addicting. However, I have to keep in mind the guilt and shame that follows. Nothing good comes from you in the long run.

You have taken away so much of my life, time that I cannot regain. I cannot take back my undergrad years, or the summer before college, or my first two years of graduate school. The longer I hold onto you, the more time I am throwing away. I never know what the day will bring, what miracles will happen, and I don’t want to miss out on any more. You make me robotic, dead to the world, merely a body walking around without a purpose. I know God has a purpose for me, a purpose that I want to follow out. I know longer wish to spend multiple days in the hospital throughout a semester. Yes, I’ve been fortunate that my teachers are understanding, but I cannot rely on that forever. I don’t wish to wake up feeling hung-over from the night before from either overdosing on meds or alcohol. You will ultimately take my life if I allow you too. I can’t have a small portion of you in my life. Sometimes I wish I could, but I know in my heart that it doesn’t work out that way.

This is why I have to tell you goodbye. I want my life back. I want all those positive things that I can have without you. It will be hard and there will probably be times that I try coming back to you out of fear and anxiety, but I know God will help me through those times. He will show me things to remind me of why I want a life with Him and not with you. He never fails me. You do. I cannot have the both of you. One gives me life and the other takes. And I want to live. So goodbye Ed, you are no longer welcome.

Dear Lord, Please help me live up my end of this letter. Give me the willingness and desire to take it one step at a time, focusing on what I will gain in a life with you instead of with Ed. Thank you.

Sincerely,

Jenn

Beginning a New Journey

I arrived at Timberline Knolls on May 17, lost, hurting sick and unsure of who I as or what I was searching for. Trembling, I signed the paperwork hoping that I had made the right decision. The relapse of my eating disorder that brought me to TK was worse than any relapse I had previously experienced. Pills and alcohol were added to my already deep rooted eating disorder.

After signing the paperwork, I made the walk from the administration building to the newly remodeled Maple

Lodge. I was greeted with an enthusiastic "Hi! Welcome to Maple" from who would become one of my most supportive BHSs. The rest of the evening was nerve racking: my first meal at TK, questioning whether I really needed to be here and meeting new people. LIttle did I know that some of those women I met on my first night would become some of my best and most trusted friends.

The next several days were filled with intake appointments, meeting my treatment team and adjusting to the schedule. The first week is a blur. I went through the motions but really struggled with whether I wanted to change or not. However, sometime in the next two months, things started to shift. While fear often overwhelmed me, I wanted to find the willingness to change. I needed to reach out for support from God to do so thought. Did I really want to let go of everything? It wasn't until about 5-6 weeks into my stay that I was able to honestly say "yes!" Praying for acceptance, working on being more gentle with myself, and challenging myself with meals, I started to see changes.

It was one day at Overeaters Anonymous that my eyes were opened to progress I had made. After reading "Acceptance was the Answer" in AA's Big Book, I looked back to my thoughts I had experienced when I read it previously. Before, acceptance was merely a dream that did not seem achievable as my perfectionism was constantly in the way. However, upon reading it the second time I began to recall times of acceptance over the past week. Times I had given into urges but not beat myself up, but instead got back on the saddle. Times I have accepted where I'm at in my recovery without saying "I should be better." Again, after doing a body racing in my last week, I saw improvements. I was able to pick out more good qualities of my personality than the lies my disease had told me for so many years, something I never thought I'd be able to do.

Today, I am back in my hometown. While I'm nervous to be out in the "real world," I'm exited to start a new leg of my recovery. I have truly began to gain my life back. I feel dreams may actually be accomplished. I have hope and a desire to live. TK has truly saved my life and I will always be eternally grateful.