I walked into IOP scared, but excited to continue along the path of recovery I had already begun. Fresh out of residential treatment, I was on a recovery high, wanting to do everything to put my past behind me and move on with a new life. What I did not know was that the outside world, the world beyond the walls of the safe bubble built by residential treatment, was a difficult one. So difficult that I would soon come crashing down. While the crash took me by surprise, I was so glad to have the support of the women and staff in IOP.
I had many ups and downs during the time I was in IOP, but I learned from each fall and I made my way back up. Each time I spent down was a little bit less as the months passed. I started applying the tools I was learning and really listening to what I was being told. I accepted things where they were, but knew, deep down, I was worth more. So I started doing what I was told, not just listening to it. I put one foot in front of the other, no matter how difficult it was. I cried through meals. I felt the pain. I sat through anxiety. I started to have glimpses of happiness, times where I was not obsessing, moments that my mind was quiet. Those moments kept pushing me forward.
Looking back to the time I started IOP, it’s hard to believe that it has actually only been the amount of time that it has been. I am a completely different person to who I was the day I walked in those doors. I am no longer fearful the moment I wake up in the morning. I actually look forward to what the day has to bring. I can enjoy going out to eat with family and friends, something I never dreamed would be possible for me. I can exercise because I want to, not because I HAVE to. And if I don’t want to some day, that’s ok, I can lay around and relax. After meals, I can sit around the table and talk and laugh with my family. I can feel and talk about emotions. I no longer have to lie about where I’m going or what I’m doing. Best of all, I have a better sense of who I am and who I want to become.
