"Be not afraid of life. Believe that life is worth living, and your belief will help create the fact." – William James

Monday, September 27, 2010

Blame...on ME?!?

I was sitting at an AA meeting at noon today. It was a topic meeting. The lady that introduced the topic talked about all kinds of things that I could relate to, but one stood out to me more than others: Blame. This past weekend, I was planning to go to Chicago for Alumni Day at Timberline Knolls, the residential treatment facility I went to. I was excited to staff, maybe instill some hope on the residents, but most of all, excited to see my best friend from treatment, Emily.
First it was my parents to voice their opinions about my best interests...aka they didn't agree with me going due to recent actions and lack of control over them. So I decided at this time, after talking to my mentor and seeing that she agreed with them, that I would shorten my trip to only 2 days/only 1 day overnight. Yes, I was staying in a hotel by myself, but I would be ok. I would just attend a meeting Friday night to keep myself in the right mindset. I would leave my credit card at home. I wouldn't bring anything with me I could easily cut with. I was finding everything to convince myself that I would be ok. I canceled the second day at the hotel and for a couple days, thought that would be my plan.
The day before I was suppose to go, I talked with girls at IOP along with the therapist. I suddenly got a reaction "You're staying alone?!?" I guess it was a big deal with everyone's reactions. I really couldn't be trusted on my own. It was again highly suggested that I didn't go. Right then and there, I picked up my phone and called to cancel the hotel reservation entirely. I made the decision not to go, with a lot of pushes behind me.
On Friday, the day I was suppose to leave, I was very depressed. I moped a
round the house. Ate, slept, ate, slept...that's all I could do. I didn't have any energy. I just wanted to disappear. For once I wasn't blaming others. I saw that the situation was my own fault and I was upset about that. However, I could not change the past. With a little motivation from my lovely mentor, I decided to finally get out of bed and do something productive. I had a nice break outside then moved on with my day. As stated, I cannot change the past, however, I can make my future. I can learn from this. My actions do have consequences. I can continue to act the way I have been lately, or I can turn things around so I don't miss out on more opportunities in the future. Life is truly a gift. In my disease, these gifts are not realized. I choose to live. I choose to enjoy these moments. I choose to recover.

Sunday, September 19, 2010

Clearing the Fog


It has again been a long time between posts. I just haven't found much to blog about. I have however been working on my book a lot. Have a proposal mostly done plus have a few chapters underway. This excites me a lot. I'm actually doing something toward accomplishing my dream. I have so many dreams. However, in the past they were merely that: dreams. Something I hoped to do but doubted my ability to do so. I can see some of them now. Granted they are still pretty dull, they are there. They get clearer with little steps forward. You see, my dreams can never be accomplished with my eating disorder, alcoholism, cutting or prescription drug use. They fog over the dreams. All that is left is my addictions. They are my life, my friend, my control, my everything. With each small step away from them, the fog begins to clear and those dreams can be seen.This weekend has been full of highs and lows. Friday night, I attended a baseball game with my parents. I planned on getting ice cream to challenge myself and to enjoy. I was craving it and thought I'd listen to my body for once and get what I wanted. I kept repeating "this fits in my meal plan." Self talk was crucial. So I stood in line for about 15-20 minutes only to have them run out one person in front of me. This little thing caused me to push everything aside and say "Forget it. It wasn't mean to be." (I use this "it wasn't meant to be" way too often). I instantly texted my mentor. After talking with her I decided to walk to another stand. "I can do this!" Standing in this line, my anxiety rose. As I approached the cashier, I felt the tears start and ran away. This was the end. I "failed." (At least that's what I thought.) After beating myself up for awhile, I decided to move on. I stood in line after all, that's improvement.
On Saturday I attended the University of Missouri football game. (GO TIGERS!)
During a bathroom break, I noticed a Dippin Dots stand. The wheels started turning and I realized I could make up for last nights events this night. So I went back to my seat, sat there for awhile, then told my parents my idea. I knew at this time that I needed to get it now before I chickened out. So I asked my parents if they wanted any and I went down to the stand. I again stood in line for at least 20 minutes. But this time I did not run away. I placed my order. Got a size I felt safe with. Then went back up to my seat to enjoy it. It had be
en many years since I had gotten one of these. I got my favorite flavor too: Banana Split. I'm happy to say that I ate it slowly, concentrating on the taste and enjoying each bite.
I finished this challenge with pride. I had overcome a hurdle. While it's important to do this challenge again as one time does not eliminate fears, I know that I did it once and can again. I did not die. I didn't even have an anxiety attack. Staying in the moment, I accomplished a goal, and today I feel good. I'm happy. Not restricting because of eating it yesterday. Instead, I'm telling you that challenges can be accomplished. I reached out for support from my mentor. Told my parents of my challenge and showed them my empty cup after so I could get a little praise. I'm not afraid to ask for a congrats now. I deserve it and you do too!